Some songs, sometimes make so much sense. Like they were written for you.

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was thereWill be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be



The other day, I met an old friend. She had recently broken up with the man she loved for 4 years and still loves. Why they broke up? Family pressures. I know. It’s weird that even today such problems exist. That a girl or a guy has to wait, look both sides, and only then proceed or just retreat.

Their love was one of those beautiful stories one would like to hear. One that made people believe that they were newly in love every time they saw them. Long distance, late nights, early mornings. Love for them, saw no barrier. Not once, have I heard either of them complain about the other. Crib about what she had done or he had not done.

She once told me that with him, love had just one meaning. And that was being happy. Tears did make friendly appearances. But only at the thought of losing him. And that haunted her quite often. Little did she know that it was bound to happen one day.

Seeing her in the state she was, I began wondering how unfair the world is. Where she has to see the guy she loves so dearly walk away with another woman. And he has to see some other guy fulfill the promises he made to her someday. Helplessness. Frustration. And above all, the love that’s still alive within them made life miserable!

And what can anyone do anything now? It’s a whole lot of new people involved. But I know for one, the love she has for her guy is beyond comparison. No matter what the world tells her or shows her, she would stick by her choice. Although she feels and is forced to believe that he has moved on. And she knows it’s too late to catch up, leaning back and watching the show is not what she wants to do.

She’s sure of her love. Sure that there’s none other in the world who’d love him as dearly as she does. And that’s what keeps her going. And she wishes he understands it someday. She knows he does still. But is forced to turn a blind eye. She hopes that one day he’ll choose to see. Only what he wants to. And not what the world wants him to.


5Ws and one H!

I’ve been in a mood to write for so long now! But, I haven’t so far, coz I’ve always felt that I won’t be doing justice to my feelings. The anger, frustration, confusion and restlessness that’s been in my mind won’t be reflected enough in what I write. And so I’ve just kept them within myself. Letting them fight with each other. Knowing that it’ll go on. But I was sure that some day, I’ll be forced to write.

And today is the day. When I’m writing with no choice left. How I wish I knew what else can be done. I know it’s just a phase and that I’ll be fine soon. But how soon? I’ve never been patient. And I’ve been trying hard for the past few months. It has definitely helped me a lot. But it’s not anymore. At least not now. All I can think of now, is to scream, yell and ask life, what the hell do you think of yourself? It’s just momentary. I don’t feel this way always. And honestly, I have no hard feelings towards my life at all.

I’m still happy and thankful about a lot of stuff. I’m being very optimistic about whatever’s in store for me. But there are times when I feel like questioning life and doing all that I’ve mentioned above. Am sure everyone feels that way at some point or the other. I’m doing everything possible not to let these feelings ruin my life. Coz if I do, then I’ll be in a bigger mess. Right now, I have this broad smile on my face and am greeting life everyday with it. I sulk, crib whatever, within myself or very rarely.

I’m already feeling better. I’m beginning to think what I was so mad about. (LOL). I know and have always known it’s nothing serious. Perhaps why, I’ve not blown my top off yet. It’s been stuff I can handle. But yea, the mixed feelings have always been there. I get mad at people; I feel like crying sometimes, wondered what the hell? But never got an answer! Probably that just means, shut up and wait! Perhaps I need a knock on my head. On second thoughts, got enough of those too. But never understood for what.

Is it really just me? I may be dumb, yea mebbe. Which is why I have the same questions pondering over me time and again. If not, I should have found answers long back to questions that keep popping up! I don’t mind moving on. I can. But not just by telling myself “Aah, leave it!” or “No point thinking.” or “You’re just over reacting.” Mebbe I don’t wanna forget. Or mebbe I do. But not just like that. Mebbe I want to tackle it, find answers and then forget, but I don’t know how to and what. And that’s what’s bothering me.


Something new!

What if? Will I? Again? Some questions that haunted me time and again before I decided on a shift to chennai. What happened three years back, was still there somewhere. Reminding me, warning me, and scaring me. And no way did I want history to repeat this time. I hoped for a new beginning. A new life. One that I’d never wish to leave. And today, with a broad smile on my face, I admit I’ve got it all.

It’s been over a month now in this city full of buzz. (Apologies hence, dear readers, for the gap.) And it’s almost like I’m in love. With the place. I wake up every day hoping to see a new day waiting for me. Ready to greet me with it’s warm smile. And embracing me comfortingly, when I feel lost. It’s been a different feeling this time. Like a bag full of surprises. Good ones. New faces. New places. New ideas. And most importantly, new feelings.

Life, as if, has suddenly taken a new turn. Making me want to explore more. Making me wonder, why not before? Like I’ve very little time and so many things to do. People, whom I wished I met earlier in life. And wish to know a lot more about, but wonder if I ever will. Your mind starts playing all sorts of games with you. When you’re alone, all by yourself, you begin to think on a lot of things you’ve never thought about before. You do a flashback of your life and wonder where it’s heading. And then you ask yourself, was that my life, or is this the beginning?

I wouldn’t deny there are times I feel like a stranger in my own life. Times when I’m unsure of what I want. Because if what I did until a month back is what my life’s all about, the life I lead now seems a lot more exciting. And I find myself asking me, hi! so where did you come from?

If I were given an option to create a new life for myself, I would like to pick and choose a little from my past and some from my present and a create beautiful future. My family, my friends from yesterday I can’t afford to loose and some people today, I’d love to treasure all my life. You feel you met them for a reason. They’re not just a passing cloud. And are here to stay. But then you look around and see, that you’ve run out of place. But you just can’t let them go. Now, what do you do?

Not everything’s changed after all. I’m still my same old confused self. With a hundred questions pondering over me. I’ve been told by someone that I shouldn’t think so much. Coz it shows all over my face. But sometimes when I think and I want to talk about it, but can’t, my face just helps.

I’m waiting. For my life to unfold as each day passes. Whatever has been, in the past one month, has only brought a smile on face. And am almost sure it’ll continue doing so. Provided some things don’t change. And some people, stay.


Are you sleeping?

Have you ever seen a dream and wished it never were one? You become so much a part of it, that when you wake up, you wonder which was the dream and what is real? And just as much as you wish the dream were real and it never got over, you know it were better off as a dream. Coz in reality, it would never happen. But then, as the day passes, every part of the dream follows you. You continue living each moment of the dream. It makes you feel good. You begin to wonder if it meant anything.

You hope it dies off wit time. But you also wish it didn't have to. It's weird what a dream can do to you.



I don't like it, when we don't speak.
I hate the silence, it makes me weak.
I know you're near, although so far.
But how I wish, I were the star,
That sees you smile, wherever you are.

I feel alone, amidst a crowd.
I cry at night, wishing you were around.
A fear within says will something go wrong.
But a voice assures, it'll soon be morn.
And with you, I'll be a whole life long.

I see your face, I read your mind.
I hear you say, a way we'll find.
It's you I seek, when I feel low.
It's you I want, and nothing more.
So, please come back and never go.


Here I am.

Here I am - this is me.
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be.

Back from holidaying at Kolkatta. A trip made once in every two years to meet my grandparents, this time I felt like a part of the city like never before. Like one amongst the locals. Although I can’t speak Bengali or even understand much, for that matter. But there was an unidentifiable link somewhere. One, that you’d have or, are supposed to have with your birthplace. I suddenly felt like what happened 25 years ago, is having its effect today. My birth in the city of Joy. Born amongst other bong babies, I’ve never really felt the bong connect interfere in my Malayali life. I’ve always been a Mallu and shall continue being one. In fact I’m proud to be one. But I wonder if it’s the bong-mallu similarities that make me feel so, or something else. Perhaps the plain fact that, I wus out on the streets more than ever before. I walked through narrow alleys and puddled footpaths. Dodged between roadside shops. And breathed in the aroma of the kaati rolls by the corner of the streets. Puchkas (bong slang fur paanipuris) and masala chaats were like energisers. Sat by the hugli river. Watched the sunset. Sailed under the howrah bridge.
I’m back home. Or am I? Have I left a part of me back there? Do I go back to collect it? Or just be?


As I wait.

Have I ever told u how crazy about you I am?
How madly in love, how happy with you I am?

Have I told you how butterflies do the dance everytime I hear your voice?
The way the ground begins to sink when you say you love me, my boy?

Have I told you, that my heart skips a beat and my voice refuses to flow?
Everytime you kiss me soft, making me wait for more?

Have I told you, the world comes to a halt and the winds touch my cheek?
Whenever you look into my eyes, like they've got something to speak?

No matter how many times I have, or the number of times I will.
It just doesn't seem enough coz there's a lot more to say still.

Like the world is there waiting.
And a whole life ahead.

But the world seems too small.
And a lifetime too less.

For me to hold my baby, so close to my heart.
And tell you that I love you.

I love you, no matter what.


Few of my favourite things!

Having considred the comments of all you beautiful people out there, I have decided to stop thinking. For a while. And take a break. I've decided to dream a bit. A bit more than I usally do. And talk about my dreams. And not just my worries. But yes, am sure i'll get back to my thinking self soon! And my blog, back to what it was started for. Thinking, expressing and yeah at times, cribbing.

But amidst all these, I somehow forgot about all the beautiful things around me. And all the beautiful things I dream about. I wonder why I only blog about my worries and not about my dreams? Or do I?. Coz I know why. It's simply because I blog, when I'm confused. When there seems to be a closed door in front of me. When I dunno where to turn. And blogging helps me decide.

The other day, I read a post on a friend's blog on how we tend to overlook some of the beautiful things in this world. It's so true. I mean, it was when I left a comment on the blog, that did I realise what he meant. And what I missed. I'm however not the kinds who'd forgo all the fun in my life for the serious stuff. I am in love with life. I dream. I have fun. And fun is the most important ingredient of my life.

So today, I'm gonna talk about a few of my favourite things. To start with, every time I watch an animation film with my neice, I wish I were a part of it. Like maughli or someone. Part of the jungle, where all the animals are friends. They sing, they dance. The beautiful lakes with rippling water. The dark green hills. And the trees laden with fruit. It's all so nice. No worries. No fear. How I wish I were in a world where everyone's happy for each other. Each one ready to help another. And it's all smiles around. Laughter everywhere. What a wonderful world! Sigh!! But I guess, that's why they're in cartoons. And not in real. But do you think, there'd be a world like that somewhere?

If not, a world full of babies. Babies who smile at you for no reason. Hold your fingers and don't let them go. Make sounds that you wish never changed. And talk to you, like they knew all what's going around. Pampers, Cerelac and feeding bottles accepted. :)

I've always dreamt of a loong drive through an empty road, in the rains. The windows of your car lowered slightly, and the rain drops kissing your nose gently. When the skies are all grey and white. And leaves of plants, bright and green. Winds blowing softly caressing your hair. And you drive towards nowhere, like in search of where the rains come from.

I wish I never reach a point, where I'll be left without my friends around. Life will be incomplete without them. Laughing with them. Crazking dumb jokes. Suddenly, life becomes so enjoyabale. So much more fun. You forget there's a world outside the coffee shop or the theatre.

How would it be, if the world were the way we wanted it to be? Would it be a nice, coz, happy place to be in? Or would we still be wishing for more? Well, we'd still be humans. And so, our thrist for more can never be quenched. I wouldn't be surprised if I dreamt of a different life, if I were in the world I dream of now.

But that's what keeps us going right? The hope for something better. The dreams that seem so real. And all the negatives that make us look forward to them. For, if they were no bad things, there would be nothing good either. Makes sense?


Communication gap!

The gender war has never been a subject of concern to me. Perhaps because I haven’t really felt the need for being at par with my fellow being of the opposite sex. Complacence. You could say. But from where I see it, it’s the company of some good men I keep. I haven’t really had fights with any of my male friends on what our responsibilities to the society are. They are people who are open to my views and never try to dominate theirs on mine. Vice versa as well.

There’s never been an instance where I’ve told myself, never trust men. I’ve had bad experiences, yes. But the instinct to set that as a bad example has never worked with me. To forgive, or not to forgive has always been a reason for dilemma. Which is why, perhaps, I continue interacting with them like nothing’s wrong. And I do not regret. I don’t feel bad.

But my concern begins here. This one’s addressed to all the men reading this. I want you to tell me, how you would you gauge a situation I’m about to describe. Let’s assume we know each other. We’re not really good friends or anything. We’re not even just friends. We’re just acquaintances. And have often exchanged a hi or a bye. And at some instance, phone numbers. With absolutely no “wrong” intentions. Neither of us.

And one day I see your number flashing on my screen. I pick it up with a smile, coz that’s your first call to me. And the feeling within me is a mix of wonder and curiosity. As a result of which follows the greeting. And you greet back. It’s a casual call you made. Or at least you made me believe so. And we begin talking.

Now I, the way I am, laugh more, talk less. (Well, not exactly less. But you know what I mean.) Like I’ve known you for ages. Crack jokes. Pull your leg. And you reciprocate the same way. And we hit it off really well. At the end of the conversation, I hang up telling myself: “Oh that was a nice conversation.” And it ends there.

What about you? Would you tell yourself “That was fast. She seems to be an easy prey”? Or would you feel the same I did? I would like to, and have always believed it’s the latter. But I’ve often been warned against fast and easy conversations. Been advised that I could probably be giving wrong signals. And that gives me bad feelings. Has often wanted me to erase conversations. Hated myself for being the way I am.

Am I wrong when I see it as a casual friendly conversation? When I don’t see the big deal in it and talk like I would talk to any other good friend? Why do you, if at all you do, take wrong signals? Feel that I’m being open to ideas? Is there something unnatural about me being the open, casual, way I am?

I’ve probably raised several eyebrows right here. If I have, guys this aint for you. For others with a smirk and the "I know what you’re talking about babe" look, read on. Perhaps you want to tell me something I don’t know. And should know. So be kind to comment. The ones with eyebrows raised can comment too. You’re probably few of those who talk the way I do. And think the way I do. So no one other than you can make me feel better. But no matter what you feel, let me know. Either ways, you’re helping.


Anybody there?

I wish someone could read my mind. I’ve had enough of expressing what I do not feel. And I’m so damn bad at it. I’m miserable when it comes to smiling outside when I’m crying with pain within. So the best thing I can do is, argue or look irritated. And yet not letting out what’s in.

I’ve had enough of asking myself what’s right for me. I’ve had enough of asking myself who I really am. And what I really deserve. People close to me show me the easiest way out. But isn’t that coz they love me and think I’m the best and so nothing bad can or should happen to me?

But how good am I really? Is what I do, always the right thing? Is that what I really want? If it involves two people, is it always that Im right and the other, wrong? Simply because Im chirpy and bubbly doesn’t mean Im also the cleanest soul? I can be wrong too, right? I so miss an unbiased advice sometimes.

And I don’t like to believe that I’m as good as people think I am. I sure have the devil hidden inside me. Who prompts me to take a few decisions? So, that makes me the bad one right? Somebody tell me I’m at fault. That I’m wrong. Don’t always say I did the right thing. We are not talking about the good guy and the bad guy here. We are talking about me and an equally or even better human being. So just because you’re my friend doesn’t mean I’m right? Does it? Sometimes what you think is the wrong advice may be the one I want to hear!

Let’s put an end to the blame game. And see what else can be done. Why are things not happening? Coz they’re not meant to? How funnier can that get? If not anything else, see how difficult it has been for me. And why they’ve been so. Try and see what’s been in my mind. And why I think the way I do? And then give me an answer. That’ll help me sleep in peace.

I wish people saw things the way I see them. The way I know them. And then perhaps they’d know what I want. Perhaps there’s no other way for me to be happy from within and outside. And that if I look fine today, it’s not because I’ve defined right and wrong. Its coz sometimes you just do what’s best for the rest.



I have been tagged yet again! This time by my cutest junior ever, neetu! I’m already late by couple of days. So before she hides her cuteness and shows me another side of hers, lemme get going! I wonder if I know so much about myself though.
So here goes:

Eight things I am passionate about:
1. My friends: No exaggerations here people. I’m serious. Anything for my friends. Hate to see them low and will do anything possible to keep the curve on their faces up!
2. My family: My world. People I can take for granted. Love them heaps and loads!
3. Kids: Hopefully it’ll remain the same when I have my own. Now, my niece is my own. And I love her to bits!!
4. Food: Trying to take it off from the list soon though. Coz it aint doing any good anyways. Just adding some extras here and there. But some things just can’t change.
5. Music: Fast ones, slow ones. Old ones. New ones. Native ones. Foreign ones. Music is any form, welcome!
6. Movies: Trying to get into the serious ones. But seems hard. My preference would be, the romantic, funny ones. I go awwww, every time I see the guy and girl kiss. ;)
7. My dreamz: By the window, gazing into nothing, with a faint smile, dreaming about the beautiful things that have or could happen.
8. My bed: Nothing like cuddling up on my bed, under the blanket on a cold rainy night.

Eight things I want to do before I die (In no particular order):
1. Become Mommy: Justified in the above list.
2. Become vegetarian: I tried, but need to gather a little more will power to stick on to it.
3. Fit into clothes I can never fit into now: For a few months will do. Just wanna know how I’d look in them.
4. Fulfill the dreams of kids who rarely dream: Or at least bring a smile on their faces and make sure they last forever.
5. Travel around the world: To start with, Kerala.
6. Be a known name in the field I excel: I really don’t know if it’ll continue to be advertising. So whatever it be, no more come what mays. I’d better be good at it!
7. Do something really wild, not bothered about the world: Any suggestions?
8. Learn to give it back to people when they hurt me: Some day! And then, leave none alone!

Eight things I say often:
1. Awww...soo cute!
2. Oh my god!!!!
3. Yummyy!!!
4. Hooooribble!
5. Really???
6. Ya right!!
7. Ohhhh Ok!!
8. Okie doks!!

Eight books I’ve read recently:
1. Blink
2. Kite Runner
3. Laughable Loves
4. The great Indian Novel
5. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintanance
Can’t think of any other.

Eight songs I could listen to, over and over:
1. Pehala Nasha
2. Sacrifice
3. Nothing’s Gonna change my love for you
4. When you say nothing at all.
5. Hoshwaalo Ko Khabar Kya
6. Tum Itna Jo muskura rahe ho
7. Maula Mere Maula
8. Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein

Eight things that attracts me to my best friends:
1. Ears to my qualms and a shoulder to cry
2. No reason to laugh
3. They let me be myself
4. Just a call away
5. Talk about anything under the sun
6. Roam around
7. Genuineness
8. Sense and sensibility.

Eight people I think should do this tag
Cant think of 8!
1. Shynil
2. Umesh
3. Hari
4. Romila
5. Rahul
6. Vibin


Conditions Apply!

And after all that thinking that went into Who I am, I still feel there’s a lot more to it. It’s such a vast area to think on. So many aspects to it. Like I can go on and on. But I definitely wouldn’t. So, chill.

The other day, I put up a status message on gtalk asking where the rules of life were compiled. And most of you came up with the answer-in my mind. I’d love to believe so. Every time I look for an answer, all I need to do is ask myself what I felt. What’s right and what’s wrong. And my mind would help me out.

It doesn’t work that ways. At least not for me. Well, there are instances when it does. When the consequences aren’t gonna be too heavy. When I can afford to listen to my mind. And be sure of what lies in store for me and handle it with ease.

But there are other times, when I’m absolutely lost. No decision I take seems to be right. And if I end up doing what my mind says then am I in for a disaster, or what!

But lemme ask you, who really decides what’s right and wrong? The society? Our family? I guess so. Let’s assume that’s the case. Now who decides for them? Is there a sole decision maker somewhere there who carries a book with all the dos and don’ts and the rights and wrongs? Coz we seem to be following them quite sincerely.

Look at the rules that have been set up for us. By whom? Who cares? Rules are rules. If I have to get married to the man of my choice, I need to look up at the book of rules. Or do I just ask my mind if I’m right. Perhaps I would. But I certainly cannot end things there. The final call remains with the book. Why? Because that’s what I’ve been taught to believe.

The rule book, I’ve never seen but always heard of, decides what’s right and what’s wrong. And I unconsciously turn to it, for help. I would perhaps not go ahead and do what my mind tells me to, because I haven’t been taught to do so.

I do what the rules say. They say rules are flexible. Anybody can change it. Perhaps yes. But not all of them. Some of them are rigid. So if I’m to get married, then there you have the countless conditions attached to it. It ought to be to

1. A guy.
2. Who came into the world at least a month before me
3. Into a decent family.
4. From the same caste
5. And religion
6. Similar family
7. School of thought – and all that “necessarily” in that order.

And if the book says so, then so be it. And if it were to be looked into for help, then you’ll find absolutely no clauses attached to the first three for sure. And if you need to alter them, then it’s almost like writing a new book. And you would have rewritten rules. As if you rewrote history or something. Something, that the generations to come are most likely to do. Hopefully.

I have a set of conditions too. Ones I’ve set for myself. And not what the world has asked me to. Coz that’s for me to follow, not the world. And whose life is it anyways? It’s not just marriage that I speak of. It’s the countless dreams and desires each of us carry within our hearts. Or perhaps merely what we do or cannot do in our daily lives.

It’s for us to think about. And decide on what’s best for us. I may be tagged a rebel, which I’m not. Coz all said and done, I’ll still do what the book says. All coz of the strings attached.

Eventually, it’s not about rebelling against norms. It’s about seeing nothing rebellious about it.


Who am I?

I’m 26. And I’m an independent woman. Or at least, I’d like to think so. Most women today would like to consider themselves independent at this age. Why women alone? Let’s talk about youth. Aren’t the youth today already free birds, say, at the age of 20? How many of you, below twenty, reading this would like to be told by Mummy what’s to be worn to college today? Some? A few? None?

Well, let me admit I’ve never felt the need to be independent until late. In fact, on the contrary, I always thought I was an independent kid. I was made to believe so. Coz my parents have been working right from when I was perhaps in Kindergarten. And it was no big deal then, or now. I was proud of the fact that my mommy’s working! Unlike other mommies. My sister and I were taught to unlock the door, once back from school, leave our shoes in its place, open the fridge, heat up whatever is there and wait like good girls for one of them to get back.

And while my sister would be busy reading something, I’d climb on to the gate skimpily clothed, LOL. (Hey now we’re talking bout a 5-year old here, mind you) and have my eyes fixed where the road takes a turn. Waiting for my mom to get back. Her eyes fill every time she recollects this.

And that went on. They are still working and we're proud about it. But after a while, when my life reached a juncture and I had to make decisions alone, lead a life of my own, I found myself in a dilemma. Unlike many, who’d wait for an opportunity to break-free and lead their own lives, I found it quite difficult. Now, that’s something I never anticipated.

I’ve reached a stage, where, I can do nothing that would in some way offend my parents. Consciously or unconsciously. I feel the threads are still very strong. Ironically, I do have the freedom to go out with friends, come home reasonably late, stay over at a friend’s and all that. But all this, knowing the limits that have been set for me.

Or take another instance. I decide to dedicate an entire holiday reading a book. I can bet on a fortune that I’d fail to do so. The very thought that I’m not alone and I need to spend time with the others in my house would stop me from doing so. Ok, you think I don’t make sense. All I’m trying to say is that there’s a thread that connects me with a whole lot of people. One that pulls me back every time I begin to wander alone. One that tells me, there are lives connected to you. There are people who’re part of you.

And it’s not just in family. I seem to be leading somebody else’s life all the time. At times I feel it’s better that ways. Coz if given a chance to live my own life, I’d make nothing of it. Today, if you find me reading a book, that’s not me. If you see me watching a movie that won at the Oscars for best editing, that’s not me. If you see me plan my day systematically, hell that’s not me! But I do all of these. However, it’s not what I’d do in “my” life!

Know what I’d do? Sleep. Eat. Chat. Roam around. Watch TV. Talk on phone. And definitely, dream! And that’s when I wonder. When my life’s in real so unproductive, isn’t it better I lead the one someone else asks me to? Of course not forced upon me. I draw inspirations. It feels good when I know I'm doing something constructive. When people whom I look up to make me part of their discussions. Like I’m one among them. Like I’m important. LOL.

And I do so, because I know that otherwise my life aint something you would like to follow. I do nothing that can inspire. That makes you look up to me. But I look up to so many. And I try to do what they do. Like I’m answerable to them.

Aint that good? Or do I just live my life the way I want to. Doing what I feel like? Who knows I may just end up doing something that surprises me myself. And I’d proudly say it’s what I wanted to do and what I love to do. And then I can stop being somebody else?

Still confused.


To forgive, or not to forgive!

Scorpions, they say are those who never forgive an enemy and never forget a kindness. Of the latter, I’m sure. But of the former, umm..! I really haven’t had many such experiences where I’ve had to hate somebody. Oh yea, for a moment or a day, I’ve had the urge to kill people. Am sure most of us have. But beyond that, it’s never gone to the extent of hatred.

Now if you mean just not forgetting a bad action, it could be true. Because, I still remember my sister eating the last chocolate I had saved for a week. My class teacher’s sarcastic remark on how well I did in the exam. And Chutki’s comment on my oily hair. If that’s called not forgiving, then am a witch. I remember very clearly each and every instance where I was hurt. By something. Or someone.

As I entered adolescence, the number of occasions where I was so hurt that I almost hated myself, started increasing. Right from the remark from my peers on how short I was. To the false assurance that a secret was just forgotten to share and not intentional. Eveything stayed right there in my mind. Not to treat those who said it with contempt. But only to think about it and feel bad later on.

Quite unusually, I would act very normal to the person who hurt me without giving them the slightest hint of how much they hurt me. It continues to be that way. I forgive. But never forget. At times I wonder why I forgive so soon. So easily. There were instances where I’ve wished to go back in time and screw someone’s happiness for hurting me. And that feeling entered me in the past few years, and is getting stronger with time.

Perhaps because I’ve been taken too much for granted of late. Because I never fight back. Or question back. I always take the blame on my head and forgive the one who’s actually at fault. I keep telling myself, that it is a result of plain misunderstanding. Moreover, I believe that words or actions that have caused pain cannot be taken back. And so what’s the point in talking about what’s happened.

The fear of losing a friend also prompts me from not taking the issue forward. Because I know, that bringing up the topic may lead from discussion to debate. And I, at such junctures, prefer keeping conversations short. So I keep my distance. Try not to talk too often. Because when I do, I can’t help but act normal and forget everything. And honestly, I don’t want to. I’m just forced to.

I really hope, one day I can turn back at all those who’ve hurt me and give them a piece of my mind. If there’s anyone who wants to join me in the mission, welcome! Until then, I’ll carry on being a partial Scorpion. Dreaming of a metamorphosis that’ll help me develop ito a full-fledged one. One, that stings!