I’ve been in a mood to write for so long now! But, I haven’t so far, coz I’ve always felt that I won’t be doing justice to my feelings. The anger, frustration, confusion and restlessness that’s been in my mind won’t be reflected enough in what I write. And so I’ve just kept them within myself. Letting them fight with each other. Knowing that it’ll go on. But I was sure that some day, I’ll be forced to write.
And today is the day. When I’m writing with no choice left. How I wish I knew what else can be done. I know it’s just a phase and that I’ll be fine soon. But how soon? I’ve never been patient. And I’ve been trying hard for the past few months. It has definitely helped me a lot. But it’s not anymore. At least not now. All I can think of now, is to scream, yell and ask life, what the hell do you think of yourself? It’s just momentary. I don’t feel this way always. And honestly, I have no hard feelings towards my life at all.
I’m still happy and thankful about a lot of stuff. I’m being very optimistic about whatever’s in store for me. But there are times when I feel like questioning life and doing all that I’ve mentioned above. Am sure everyone feels that way at some point or the other. I’m doing everything possible not to let these feelings ruin my life. Coz if I do, then I’ll be in a bigger mess. Right now, I have this broad smile on my face and am greeting life everyday with it. I sulk, crib whatever, within myself or very rarely.
I’m already feeling better. I’m beginning to think what I was so mad about. (LOL). I know and have always known it’s nothing serious. Perhaps why, I’ve not blown my top off yet. It’s been stuff I can handle. But yea, the mixed feelings have always been there. I get mad at people; I feel like crying sometimes, wondered what the hell? But never got an answer! Probably that just means, shut up and wait! Perhaps I need a knock on my head. On second thoughts, got enough of those too. But never understood for what.
Is it really just me? I may be dumb, yea mebbe. Which is why I have the same questions pondering over me time and again. If not, I should have found answers long back to questions that keep popping up! I don’t mind moving on. I can. But not just by telling myself “Aah, leave it!” or “No point thinking.” or “You’re just over reacting.” Mebbe I don’t wanna forget. Or mebbe I do. But not just like that. Mebbe I want to tackle it, find answers and then forget, but I don’t know how to and what. And that’s what’s bothering me.