So, what’s wrong?

When you’ve finally decided what you want to do, something around you stops you from doing it. And then you start thinking if you took the right decision. And by then it’s too late to go back and change it. So then what do you do? Stick to it and face things as they come? Or sit and think of an alternative that never exists? Either ways, it doesn’t help. So all you can do is stop thinking about it.

But what happens when you just can’t let go off whatever lead to the decision? It follows you wherever you go? Just when you’re still thinking of whatever happened. You’re still wondering if what happened was right. That’s not all. There comes a point when I even wonder what came first. The chicken or the egg. Is my present situation a result of my decision? Or is my decision a result of my present situation? Confusing, either ways.

It’s like this. Before I reached this point in time, I almost dreaded it. Wished it never came. But then when it did, I almost didn’t even realize it. Did my destiny prepare me for it? Perhaps yes. Coz, I’ve gone through this several times before. And every time it happened, I’ve lost it. So then again, why not this time? What makes it so different now? It’s got to be the numbness that’s got on to me. I’ve acquired from somewhere the power of immunity. And lost the cells of sensitivity.

Just when you learn to take the pain and move on, something even worse begins to trouble you. Questions from everywhere begin to taunt you. How the hell did you manage to take it so well? Are you not upset at all? Was it so easy after all? Then, what did all that happen in past years mean after all? Whew! Crying over spilt milk is what’s expected out of you. If you thought getting yourself another bowl, and not worrying abut what happened was a sensible move, then you’re wrong.

Coz that shows how much that bowl mattered to you after all. It’s not just what the world tells you. It’s what you begin asking yourself after a while. You know the answer. But it makes no difference. And the funny thing is you don’t know what’s wrong and right till you surrender to your conscience. One that tells you you’re wrong all the time. And when you finally listen to it, and do what it says, you confirm once again with experience that you’ve always been right. You win. And you conscience loses. But if your conscience wins, then lucky you! But that’s just 10 % of the case.

So again, you get back to war. With something deep in your heart telling you, you can’t be wrong. And just keep fighting. Hoping that someday you can tell yourself, that although you weren’t always right. You weren't always wrong either.

Getting worked up

So, like always, here I am sitting and brooding. Well, probably there is a reason after all. Or perhaps not. But who cares? As long as I am, I am. Whether there’s reason or not. Ok, so moving ahead, all that matters now is, finding a way out of this state of mine. Only to come back very soon of course.

These are one of those times, when I feel I’m lost and don’t know where to go. Happens mostly when I don’t know whether what I’m doing is right or wrong. Exactly the way I feel at the moment. I’m totally confused as to what to do. What to think. And what to say.

I don’t say there’s no mistake of mine in what happened today. But I also wouldn’t want to think, that I have a major role to play in whatever happened. That’s where I loose track. All I have to say is, I too wish to become something in life. Now I don’t know if there’s a particular way to do it. But I don’t think I’m doing absolutely nothing about it either.

Ok, now before the confused me starts speaking more, let me think clear. I wish I could get a name for myself in this world. And I feel, I can. And I think that, I’m doing what I can. Probably different from how many others would, but at least I am.

But no matter what I do, all I end up feeling is that I’m at the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Probably it was by mistake that I ended up doing what I am. So, that means that no matter how hard I try, I can’t. Because I’m not supposed to.

And when someone asked me why I felt that way, All I could say was I see no reason why I should continue doing what I am. Probably I just feel, I’m doing all that I can. Perhaps I’m not, and it’s just complacence that’s speaking. But I would definitely not like to believe so.

Often the fear that I can’t do well, stops me from doing well. The feeling that I don’t know where I am going lets me be happy with whatever little I do. And I end up telling myself, that’ll do. Which I don’t do very often. When I do a work, I ( quite surprisingly ) don’t like to be let to myself. Would rather prefer, someone showing some interest in what I plan to do. And when I don’t see that happening, I lose all interest. Right or wrong? I don’t know.

I want to be given work, not because there’s no one else to do it. Not because, I’ll be learning. But because Im considered capable of doing it. I don’t think Im asking for too much. Yeah perhaps a little early. Perhaps I really need to learn. Perhaps I really can’t complain. But I can’t stop being concerned either.

I know it’ll take time. But I also wonder whether it ever will. I wonder when I will know whether it will. I still wonder.