To forgive, or not to forgive!

Scorpions, they say are those who never forgive an enemy and never forget a kindness. Of the latter, I’m sure. But of the former, umm..! I really haven’t had many such experiences where I’ve had to hate somebody. Oh yea, for a moment or a day, I’ve had the urge to kill people. Am sure most of us have. But beyond that, it’s never gone to the extent of hatred.

Now if you mean just not forgetting a bad action, it could be true. Because, I still remember my sister eating the last chocolate I had saved for a week. My class teacher’s sarcastic remark on how well I did in the exam. And Chutki’s comment on my oily hair. If that’s called not forgiving, then am a witch. I remember very clearly each and every instance where I was hurt. By something. Or someone.

As I entered adolescence, the number of occasions where I was so hurt that I almost hated myself, started increasing. Right from the remark from my peers on how short I was. To the false assurance that a secret was just forgotten to share and not intentional. Eveything stayed right there in my mind. Not to treat those who said it with contempt. But only to think about it and feel bad later on.

Quite unusually, I would act very normal to the person who hurt me without giving them the slightest hint of how much they hurt me. It continues to be that way. I forgive. But never forget. At times I wonder why I forgive so soon. So easily. There were instances where I’ve wished to go back in time and screw someone’s happiness for hurting me. And that feeling entered me in the past few years, and is getting stronger with time.

Perhaps because I’ve been taken too much for granted of late. Because I never fight back. Or question back. I always take the blame on my head and forgive the one who’s actually at fault. I keep telling myself, that it is a result of plain misunderstanding. Moreover, I believe that words or actions that have caused pain cannot be taken back. And so what’s the point in talking about what’s happened.

The fear of losing a friend also prompts me from not taking the issue forward. Because I know, that bringing up the topic may lead from discussion to debate. And I, at such junctures, prefer keeping conversations short. So I keep my distance. Try not to talk too often. Because when I do, I can’t help but act normal and forget everything. And honestly, I don’t want to. I’m just forced to.

I really hope, one day I can turn back at all those who’ve hurt me and give them a piece of my mind. If there’s anyone who wants to join me in the mission, welcome! Until then, I’ll carry on being a partial Scorpion. Dreaming of a metamorphosis that’ll help me develop ito a full-fledged one. One, that stings!