Controlled Luck!

Fingers crossed.

How true is it, that if you really want to fulfill your personal desire, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen? Coz, if it’s so, then there’s something that I desire for, at the moment. Something that I’ve been strongly wishing for, for the past 3 years. Something that’s been my strongest desire in my life until now. And I want to know, if the whole world is conspiring at all.

This philosophy, which I came across in the Alchemist (one of the many books, which I havent managed to complete so far), has got me thinking. And at times, it makes me believe in it. The way my life’s moving and things are happening, I have no choice but to believe in it. I’ve tried all that I can, to give up on my wish. My desire. Knowing I’m asking for too much. Forcing myself to believe that it ain’t gonna work. But something or the other happens, and voila! Am back to square one. Just not able to let my dream go. Yearning for it to happen.

I have no choice but to believe, that the world does seem to be conspiring. Because, why else would I find myself in a dilemma, every time I let it go? And then on cloud 9, every time it’s back with me? Why does all this force me to believe that it means something. That probably it’s meant to be. And how I love to believe it does! Coz I strongly feel so!

There’s nothing about it that tells me to think twice. Or to move on. But almost everyting about it asks me to just hang on. Hold on for a while. Like everything’s soon gonna fall in place. Everything’s happening for the good. Something keeps telling me not to stop trying. The further I try moving away from my desire, the more I’m being pulled back to it. And that’s when I decide to give in. And to let the best happen. Coz I know, that what I wish for, is true. And hope, that when I wish from the bottom of your heart, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen.

Fingers crossed.


Keep Walking!

There was a time when I thought being in school and studying Math and Science took away all the fun that ought to be there in my life. I still believe so to a certain extent. If not for those nerve wrecking exams, I would have spent all my childhood watching TV, playing hide and seek or just sleep. Life would have been so beautiful then. I would look at how the baby next door gazed at blank spaces and laughed and envied her and her freedom! Lucky she! I would say. No exams, no books no nothing. She’s always carried around by someone. She cries when hungry and there’s food. Cries when sleepy and someone’s singing and putting her to sleep. Not fair!

And then the exams just pass by, (pun unintended) and you think that’s the end of all your sorrows in life. A new ray of light has touched you and life is at its best for the next two months! And then, there you are back at your desk. Cursing your fate all over again. And in between all this, your parents walk behind you telling you how important it is for you to study and why fun needs to take a back seat. Oh c’mon! What do they know about the trauma you are going through!

You crib, cry, sulk and finally fly out of the so called prison into a whole new world called college. Life suddenly looks so different. No hard rules. No dress codes. It’s freedom all the way! But prick! Just when you began smiling in your dreams, there comes the most painful part of your life (again). The guy for whom you waited ALL your life. (No matter how many came into your life during that wait) You think God sent him down only so that he meets you, falls in love with and gets married to you. Of course buying expensive gifts come along. And just when you thought he is THE MAN (after rahul, sameer, naveen and Karthik) he tells your best friend how beautiful she looks! Life can be so unfair!

And after living through another traumatic phase of your life, you enter the corporate world. You become financially independent. Life now moves the way you want it to. You take your own decisions. Life isn’t so bad after all. Well, it wouldn’t have been. If not for the nasty, nagging, selfish tyrant called Boss! He knows exactly how to make life miserable. Work loads, deadlines, nightmares! Life’s nothing but a series of failures!

And the saga continues. At every stage of life, you come face to face with a problem which forces you to see the world coming to an end. When you feel so, it helps when you pause a while, turn back and count the number of times you’ve moved on. Or rather life’s moved on. Like my friend says, if you solved equations at the age of 12, meeting deadlines at 25 is no big deal.



Imagine yourself in this situation. You are at a meeting, which decides what needs to be done to save the company from closing down. Grim faces. Dark lines on the forehead. And just the sound of one deep breath. And there goes "Arrey babua, uthana hi nahi tha, tho khareeda kyu??" (If you had no intentions of picking it up, then why did you buy it?) All eyes on you! And yours, wide open like never before! You hurry towards your pocket, grab your cell out and with a lot of difficulty, cut the call!

Déjà vu? You feel like digging a hole for yourself right below your feet, squeezing yourself in, and covering it up! But come what may, changing your ringer music is out of question. Because, on a different occasion, you would have been the centre of attraction if your cell rang. Is that the reason why ringer tunes are such a huge business these days? Every body has at least a couple of funny, foot tapping numbers on their cell as their ring tones. And current models also give you the option of choosing any song as your tone. I've got a Chinese song as mine.

So, what exactly is the need of a musical ring tone? I guess it's gone far beyond just another interesting way to ring. Well, if that's so, why do people take the effort to change their tones from time to time? I see it this way. Ringtones have hugely become a tool to attract attention. The faster and peppier the music, the more number of heads turn towards you. And wow! What a feel that is! Well, provided you're in a coffee shop or party and not at a meeting. And then, with a smirk, you go on to answer your call. (Well, after the phone rings sufficiently enough for everyone to hear though.) And unless the song doesn't have the catchy music right in the beginning, the very purpose of it goes down in the drain. You'll have to wait for it to ring till the foot tapping music begins. And by then, it's time for the call to end. On another note, people keep ring tones to differentiate callers. Romantic songs for the loved one, barking dogs for the not so loved ones etc etc. Helps you decide whether to pick up the call or not, before the caller id helps you.

There was a time when I set tones, because I liked the song. It has, at several instances, managed to lift me from the dumps. Every time my phone rang, it would bring a smile on my face and I would hum along for a while and also spread the feel to people around. But not for long. Soon, listening to the same song day after day, hour after hour or even minute after minute got boring. Ajeeb Dastan Hai Yeh was one of my favourites. And so, set it as my ringer tone. In no time, I began developing revulsion towards it. Largely because, I got to hear only half the song. And so, changed it to my next favourite. Wonder for how long.

If the only purpose of a ring tone was alerting you on a call, then there's nothing better than the conventional trring trring. Or maybe interesting versions of it. All said and done, I would still continue setting Shakira or Abba as my tone. And change it maybe after a couple of weeks. You may ask if it's for heads to turn, I would say yes. Musical ring tones are after all for the people around. Music always spreads joy. And so does it, through ringtones. Otherwise, if it were for you, how many times would you laugh at your own funny tone? Or sing along with your own favourite song? And if you were so in love with that tone, why would you want to cut it half way through?


Destiny awaited!

Back! Yeah! And hopefully, this time I won't have to delete the post half way. Well, if you get
to read this post, then consider yourself lucky. Coz I've been suffering from a huge "not in a
mood to write" syndrome. And trust me, I even thought it had no cure. Coz everytime I would start writing something, two sentences - and there goes my finger to the delete button! I dunno how I managed to do so! And I almost thought that my blog was taking its final breaths. All those debates, comments, questions. Everything seemed to be coming to an end. And that's when I heard about the "writer's block"!

Block as in road block, nose block etc. And not apartment block or building blocks. (Looks like I'm definitly gonna take time recovering!) Anyways. So, when this someone asked me if I were suffering from a writer's block, I saw no reason to say no. Because I knew I wanted to write on a whole lot of things, but the minute I opened my blog and began to type, words kinda got stuck. Nothing happened. And all I coud do was close the browser and sulk!

And as a writer by profession, this was the last thing that I wanted to happen to me. Not knowing what to write! Or even worse, not able to write. A whole lot of things haunted me in the past few weeks. Nothing seemed to be going right. And how I wished to write about it. But I would either stop myself coz I didn't want my state of mind to reflect on my blog or I would just not be in a mood to write.

In fact, the very reason I starting blogging was to find answers to several questions. When I was confused. Didn't know whether what I did was right or wrong. Or what next I should do. And that being the case, the past weeks were when I should have written the most. But then, writing them down and trying to find answers seemed impossible. Because I had to believe that some questions have no answers after all. If they are bound to happen they will.

Destiny. Something that's pre-written. Something I strongly believe in. And if my destiny meant all that's been happening, then so be it. I'm no one to change anyting. And it seemed like destiny ruled so hard that I wasn't even sure of what to write. I left everyting to my fate. Writing it down didn't seem to help. Answers didn't seem right. Decisions no more depended on them. I just followed destiny wherever it went. And deciding to write again just happened on the way.

And now as I write this, I still wonder what my destiny awaits me with. Where it is headed towards. And what it has in store for me. Do I just sit and wait? Or do I have to do something? But again, if it's pre-written, what really can I do? I can't change it? Can I?


My first tag!

Awrite, just when my blog was idle and people asked me why so, amooma comes in with an answer. :) I've just been tagged by her. And so here I am, after a looong break, writing something on my blog dearest!

I've always wondered what I wud write if someone tagged me. Coz the tags Ive come across so far are all long autobiographies. But thankfully, amooma made things easy fur me. With sumtin simpler.

Here's what i'm supposed to do:

1. Name the person with the link who tagged you.

2. Describe what you are asked to do, in this case publish 5th paragraph of page 123 of the book you are currently reading. (if the page does not have 5th paragraph, take the last paragraph. And if the book doesn’t have page no. 123, take the last page.)

3. Tag five people.

So here goes:

First question answered already.

2. I'm reading the Kite Runner. ( I havent reached the 123rd page!! :( But anyways...)

" Wasn't there some story floating around about Taheri's daughter?"

I said to Baba, trying to sound casual.

"You know me", Baba said, inching the bus along the queue exiting the flea
market. "Talk turns to gossip and I walk away."

"But there was, wasn't there?" I said.

"Why do you ask?" He was looking at me coyly.

I shrugged and fought back a smile. "Just curious, baba."

"Really? Is that all?" he said, his eyes playful, lingering on mine. "Has
she made an impression on you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Please Baba."

He smiled, and swung the bus out of the flea market. We headed for Highway
680. We drove in silence for a while. "All I've heard is that there was a man
once and things...didn't go well." He said this gravely, like he'd disclosed to
me that she had breast cancer.


Hmm, now I'm all excited about reading further. I like dis tag game!! ;) A nice book so far. Set in an afghan backdrop, I am in love with the two kids ( who i think will soon grow to be young men in the book) Hassan and Amir.

Ok, now my turn to tag. Get set guys!!!

1. Umesh! Has to be you. The reason im all alive and kicking here on bloggers! How cud I not tag u?? ;)
2. Rahul. Am sure u'll love it.
3. Mushi. Long time, no see? Where r u??
4. Nariyal Chutney. For that spice!
5. Addicted. One guy I can tag bindass.

Ok!!! Now get to work guys!!!! ( evil laugh)


Freedom of Expression!

The other day, I had one of my usual tiffs with amma. The reason, again, like always, wasn’t so serious. And on the same day, a very close friend of mine appreciated the maturity I showed towards handling a similar, but different situation. Where I could have lost my patience, over reacted and messed things up. But somehow I didn’t.

As I indulged in the sugar-coated words my friend showered on me, I didn’t really relish it as much as I would have normally. And I presumed, it was coz of the episode with amma. Somewhere, I wasn’t able to relate to the reasons that led to both the situations. On one hand, when I took no time to express my edginess by throwing tantrums, on the other I was as calm as a cloud. Or at least, I tried to be.

That’s it.

I tried to be calm. I made an effort to control my feelings. I forced a smile on my face. And so, succeeded in retiring unhurt. And I kinda felt good about it. But not even the thought of trying, passed my mind while with amma. So who am I after all? Or rather, which of these is the real me?

I’d definitely like to believe I was myself when with my friend. But like I said, it was all an attempt. To be nice. Well ya, it is good if you try to be good. It’s good for the society. It’s good for the country. But what’s the point if you can’t be the same when you’re with your own people?

I don’t mean I’m a rebel who tries to prove everything wrong when with my folks or picks up a fight with them for every small reason. But when you try balancing situations, I definitely ain’t as good as I am when out. Natural?

A forwarded email the other day talked about this. About how we need to think about it and blah! The mail was supposed to light up that dark corner of your mind, where these thoughts lay hidden. Yea, right! All it did was strengthen my doubts further. I mean, looks like everyone around the world’s thinking about it. And just continues doing so.

I tried a simple test. It was based on the kind of relationship I shared with the people involved in either situations. And what I found wasn’t really convincing. But satisfactory.

Probably, (the word’s used intentionally) it’s all about taking your own people for granted. In other words, I wouldn’t bother what amma thought about me if I reacted that way. That is, even if she did think badly, I didn’t mind. Coz she knows me better than anyone else, and so, if she thought I was short tempered, she also knew I would cool down soon. She knows I wouldn’t hurt her intentionally. And at the end of the day, she’s my best friend. And me, her lil angel. ;)

However, I’d probably think twice before reacting in the same manner when with strangers or not-so-close friends. Coz it’s not likely that they’d understand why I reacted that way. It might in turn, hurt their emotions. And end up in creating ill feelings between us. All said and done, I don’t think any of us would want someone to misunderstand us just like that right? And also there’s nothing wrong if you are nice to someone.

So again, does that mean that, with your close friends, you have the freedom to behave the way you wish? It’s nice that way, isn’t it? You really don’t have to think twice. Smiles come naturally. You’re sure you can’t hurt her just like that. You say, her specially designed saree looks awful on her, tell her how much she irritates you and she retorts back. Reminding you about some embarrassing moment or by commenting on your weird dress sense. Nothing makes you a bad person in her eyes or vice-versa.

If not, when you really don’t care about someone or wish not to be so nice with someone, you aren’t always your good self. You often just give them a piece of your mind. And you’re hardly even bothered whether it creates a misunderstanding or you hurt him/her. For all you know, that’s all you intend to do too. A very rare case I suppose.

Makes me think if the same applies when you’re in love with someone. Comes down to the question, is being in love with someone equal to taking him/her for granted? How easy is it to just push aside fights understanding that he/she is just being natural and accept them that way? Does it really help? Or does it just become a forced commitment? Now that’s something I still can’t understand completely.

I guess a lot of factors contribute to each of these cases. It’s not easy to define reasons and their consequences in any of the above situations. The bond or relationship you share is just one of them. Perhaps, the most easily identifiable.


Life Styles!

Kochi has been witnessing a sudden swirl in lifestyle. Big names in the fashion and lifestyle sector have entered the city. A welcome wind of change for most Kochiites and of course for the Non Keralite population settled here.

Brands like FabIndia, Levis, MTV et all have begun dominating the retail world of clothing. And not to mention the supermarket chains. Nilgiris, Fabmall, Spencers, and the latest entrant Reliance Fresh. All of these have, in a short span, won over the hearts of most Malayalee families.

Looks like these new entrants have taken their place. And are sure to stay. Those who once went in search of these names to cities like Chennai and Bangalore are now just a few yards away from their favourite brands. And can sure watch out, for bigger players joining in.


No More A Private Affair!

Remember the day you decided to go on your first date? The hunt for the perfect place probably ended at what you would term as a safe and secure ice cream parlour or restaurant. With a very limited seating capacity just perfect for the two of you, and far from the madding crowd, so that you could immerse yourselves in your own world. The bold ones however opted for open parks, which soon became quite a risky game.

Gone are those days. Sadly, the number of such joints is on a decline. With the advent of the modern glass door cafes. Call it modern or trendy or whatever, the lovebirds are not too happy with the concept of sleek architecture.

Today, any new coffee pub or snack parlour seems to be in vogue with their western counterparts, offering the customers a clear view of the outside world and vice versa, where the danger lies.

The ambience, food or service plays no role anymore, thanks to these structures, which prevent the pair from estranging themselves from the outside world and relish the world inside. And of course of their own.

No more do the lovers drown in each other’s eyes. Instead, one of them, especially the girl has hers fixed at the door, with the fear of being caught red-handed. The entire date turns out to be a formality. Unlike earlier, where they spent hours sipping on one glass of fresh juice sharing dreams, hopes and promises.

Amidst these sad faces are a few content ones too. Obviously, those of their guardians. They fear no more of their young wards staying back for special classes, or late visits at a friend’s place. For them, glass indeed remains a boon.

The search continues. With a request to the architects, ready with their blue prints. Please avoid glass doors. It could end up being a bigger barrier than any other.


It's different!

Some people like to be different. And that's all they like to be. Different from everyone. And the way they try hard to be so! It becomes so predcitable after a while. You knw what's going on in their mind. You know what they'd have to say about something.

And somehow you tend to give less importance to their opinion. Coz you aren't sure whether they really mean what they're saying. Or they're just saying it for the sake of being different. For example, when a whole bunch of people think a movie is made really well, this particular category of people may differ in opinion. He/she may deny it completely, and think the film was crap!

Probably they really meant it. Perhaps they do have an opinion of their own. But after a certain while, it comes quite redundant. You begin wondering if they did feel so. You tend to think otherwise. And so even if they do have a serious opinion about something, you aren't sure about it.

It's their way of standing out in a crowd. Coz when they say something different, all heads turn to them and ask them why they felt so. And that's all that they want. And well, if they have their arguments in place then kudos to them!

We all do it. We've all wanted to be different at some point or the other. And we've been so some way or the other. Either by arguing with out folks, fighting for our rights, convincing them that we're right, differing from what they have to say. Not really because they're wrong, but because you don't want to admit that they are right.

To let them know that you have an opinion of your own too. That you no longer need them to
decide for you. And no matter how hard they try to make you understand, you try harder to prove your point.

We do it to impress someone at times. By going against what the group thinks and giving your own piece of argument for it. And then you become the centre of attraction. It's your opinion that begins to matter.

Similarly, when a group agrees on a virtue in you. There'll definitly be someone who wishes to disagree. Which may or may not hurt you. You either take it as a constructive critiscism or as one of those "wanna be different" comments.

We defy, defend, disrupt, deviate do everything. Just to be different. Like the old malayalam saying " mookilla raajyathe murumookan raajav" In a land of noseless people, the one with a cut nose becomes king!

So, how long does being different for the sake of it, really make you so? I think if we really think different, then we better make a difference with it. That's where the difference lies!


Are you busy?

I think I have a theory here. Or perhaps an argument. You may even wanna call it an obesrvation. Or wutever!

I simply can't understand why people have the "busy" icon beside their name in an instant messenger. See, my argument is as follows:

1 . I find it quite unfathomable, when you have the busy icon beside
your name, in order to let others know that you're busy.

2. Because, I can have the symbol beside my name, and still be
chatting with people or surfing the net or doing something abolsutely
unconstructive. I'm not busy. But still have the world to believe I am.

3. Now, if you're really busy with something, so much so, that you arent
even in front of your computer, then the sign automatically changes to idle.
Which, I think, makes a lot more sense. Although it says idle, it only means
idle in chat. But busy with something else.

4. And finally, if you're really busy, have no time to respond to
messages and wish not to be disturbed, then why log into chat in the first
I've always found this extremely difficult to understand. Anyone out there with a convincing argument?


Nibulithic Age English!

Like all those who've known me for a while say; I don't really need a reason to laugh my heart out. But of late, it's different. Thanks to Nibu. My collegue, senior and a great friend!

While on one hand I get to learn loads from this guy his unusually distinct sense of humour can get me rolling on the floor. He has a unique way of converting even a normal, everyday usage into something witty. Here's a sample:
"How many times are there?" - What's the time?
"How many rupees are there in this biriyani?" -How much does
this biriyani cost?
This one's my favourite:
"Thankyou vaari kori much" -Thankyou very much!
And people say I laugh with no reason?
*Vaari kori in malayalam means, heaps and loads*


AUTOmatic response!

Left work early today. Acha had a rotary meeting to attend and so I had to find my own means of transport. I was pretty apprehensive about that, coz acha said there's a huge block on MG Road and Chittoor road. And the attitude of cochin auto waalas are unbearable at times!! They just need to hear the word "blo" somewhere, and they decide not to budge from where they stand.

However, hoping for the best, I walked towards the main road trying to pataaofy some auto guys using my charm. ;) Everything was a mess. Slushy roads, my any minute breakable chappals and the long and loose salwars that loved taking a dip into the puddles! Yuck!

Me with a stern look, stood by the road, waiting for an empty auto. At times, u feel like a total waste standing there when the auto guys dont even give you a look and just speed off. And all that attitude you wore on your face all that while just vanishes!

I got empathising looks from people who passed by. Perhaps they wondered how no autos could slow down by a pretty young girl like me. ;) Yeah! None of the autos which stooped were willing to take me where I wanted to go either. " Ayyo bhayanagara blockaa" ( there's a huge block) I tried my best to convince him how badly I needed to get home. Like he bothered!

So I spent a good half hour standing there watching autos pass by, dodging in between to avoid water splashes. (That's the last thing I wanted) and mumbling to myself about how unfortunate my bad luck was!

And finally it dawned to me that there were other means of transport too. Like the bus! And so I walked towards to bust stop. Within no time, I wus inside the bus. Comfortably seated by the window and letting the cool winds caress my face. (Suddenly, the rains looked so beautiful).

Soon I reached my destination. And just to add to everything, I realised that I hadnt carried my umbrella! So there I was, covering my head with my palm ( I still wonder y people do that. It hardly helps) and running towards the auto stand. All drenched by now. Thankfully!! I found an auto, and the driver with a pleasant smile, let me in and agreed to drop me at my place.

And just as he took a U turn towards my house, I caught a glance of a family standing by the road. They looked at me and I knew exactly what they thought. :) "Lucky her!" I truly wished they didn't have to stand there for long and hoped that they got an auto who understood that no matter how bad a block is, it's just the matter of time. And as long as there's an engine running and tyres moving, they'll get out of it.

Or does it mean that if there's a block somewhere, anyone who needs to go towards that direction has to cancel his plans?



A new blog has come!

Now dats more like it. Blogging's getting interesting now. Thanks Ooomz!!! :) I'll have more stuff posted now. Not just cribbings.

Hey! Dats wut I though blogging was all bout! Just realsied I wus wrong..wut wud I do if not fur u Ooomz! ;)


So, what’s wrong?

When you’ve finally decided what you want to do, something around you stops you from doing it. And then you start thinking if you took the right decision. And by then it’s too late to go back and change it. So then what do you do? Stick to it and face things as they come? Or sit and think of an alternative that never exists? Either ways, it doesn’t help. So all you can do is stop thinking about it.

But what happens when you just can’t let go off whatever lead to the decision? It follows you wherever you go? Just when you’re still thinking of whatever happened. You’re still wondering if what happened was right. That’s not all. There comes a point when I even wonder what came first. The chicken or the egg. Is my present situation a result of my decision? Or is my decision a result of my present situation? Confusing, either ways.

It’s like this. Before I reached this point in time, I almost dreaded it. Wished it never came. But then when it did, I almost didn’t even realize it. Did my destiny prepare me for it? Perhaps yes. Coz, I’ve gone through this several times before. And every time it happened, I’ve lost it. So then again, why not this time? What makes it so different now? It’s got to be the numbness that’s got on to me. I’ve acquired from somewhere the power of immunity. And lost the cells of sensitivity.

Just when you learn to take the pain and move on, something even worse begins to trouble you. Questions from everywhere begin to taunt you. How the hell did you manage to take it so well? Are you not upset at all? Was it so easy after all? Then, what did all that happen in past years mean after all? Whew! Crying over spilt milk is what’s expected out of you. If you thought getting yourself another bowl, and not worrying abut what happened was a sensible move, then you’re wrong.

Coz that shows how much that bowl mattered to you after all. It’s not just what the world tells you. It’s what you begin asking yourself after a while. You know the answer. But it makes no difference. And the funny thing is you don’t know what’s wrong and right till you surrender to your conscience. One that tells you you’re wrong all the time. And when you finally listen to it, and do what it says, you confirm once again with experience that you’ve always been right. You win. And you conscience loses. But if your conscience wins, then lucky you! But that’s just 10 % of the case.

So again, you get back to war. With something deep in your heart telling you, you can’t be wrong. And just keep fighting. Hoping that someday you can tell yourself, that although you weren’t always right. You weren't always wrong either.


Getting worked up

So, like always, here I am sitting and brooding. Well, probably there is a reason after all. Or perhaps not. But who cares? As long as I am, I am. Whether there’s reason or not. Ok, so moving ahead, all that matters now is, finding a way out of this state of mine. Only to come back very soon of course.

These are one of those times, when I feel I’m lost and don’t know where to go. Happens mostly when I don’t know whether what I’m doing is right or wrong. Exactly the way I feel at the moment. I’m totally confused as to what to do. What to think. And what to say.

I don’t say there’s no mistake of mine in what happened today. But I also wouldn’t want to think, that I have a major role to play in whatever happened. That’s where I loose track. All I have to say is, I too wish to become something in life. Now I don’t know if there’s a particular way to do it. But I don’t think I’m doing absolutely nothing about it either.

Ok, now before the confused me starts speaking more, let me think clear. I wish I could get a name for myself in this world. And I feel, I can. And I think that, I’m doing what I can. Probably different from how many others would, but at least I am.

But no matter what I do, all I end up feeling is that I’m at the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Probably it was by mistake that I ended up doing what I am. So, that means that no matter how hard I try, I can’t. Because I’m not supposed to.

And when someone asked me why I felt that way, All I could say was I see no reason why I should continue doing what I am. Probably I just feel, I’m doing all that I can. Perhaps I’m not, and it’s just complacence that’s speaking. But I would definitely not like to believe so.

Often the fear that I can’t do well, stops me from doing well. The feeling that I don’t know where I am going lets me be happy with whatever little I do. And I end up telling myself, that’ll do. Which I don’t do very often. When I do a work, I ( quite surprisingly ) don’t like to be let to myself. Would rather prefer, someone showing some interest in what I plan to do. And when I don’t see that happening, I lose all interest. Right or wrong? I don’t know.

I want to be given work, not because there’s no one else to do it. Not because, I’ll be learning. But because Im considered capable of doing it. I don’t think Im asking for too much. Yeah perhaps a little early. Perhaps I really need to learn. Perhaps I really can’t complain. But I can’t stop being concerned either.

I know it’ll take time. But I also wonder whether it ever will. I wonder when I will know whether it will. I still wonder.


An Evening To Remember

Like any other reunion, this one was really special too. Though attended by just 6 of us, we brought alive the memories of an entire class of 40. Reliving each moment, each study hour and each leisure period. We sang the songs, once sung for class Antaksharis. Laughed at the goof ups made for class competitions. And teased someone for being the teacher’s pet. In short, it was an evening filled with laughter. When we laughed for funny reasons. Sometimes for no reason at all.

Well, I guess that’s the beauty of togetherness. When you need no reason to be happy. You’re happy just because you’re together. In the company of those whom you love. Adore. Or those who make you feel comfortable just like that. After spending a huge part of your life with someone, there ought to be a level of comfort with them. And amongst us, it was high up there. When you know that at the end of the day, come what may, they’re gonna be there for you.

5 was the time fixed. And like always, it was 6 by the time we were all there. I was the first one. Oh no. Actually it was Krishna. He was there, looking smart in a white shirt and a well done hairdo. Poor guy was there since 430. Not so bored though. Because Cocoa tree was filled with all tweety birds and tinkerbells. So the only problem he faced, was not knowing which direction to turn to. But soon entered the witch in the happy fairytale. Me, myself and all the bad luck for Poor Krishna!  I almost sprained my neck trying to look at him when he stood up. But he was sweet enough to bend down, share a hug and put me to ease.

So, there we were. He, already nibbling on a ham sandwich and a weird looking green drink. And me, trying to make conversation (It was our first “date” after weeks of long chat) and helping him with the sandwich. Assuming he was struggling with it. ;) And always ready to help with food!

It was not long, and there came in the most popular guy (as I would like to believe) in school. Rajesh. In a pleasant yellow Kurta. And his cool dude looks. No matter how hard he tries to put on that “I’m a dude, U” look, he’s always gonna be the guy who tired to impress the girls with his funny actions and witty words in lower primary school. Can’t stop smiling thinking of those days. 

We continued the chat, and soon were joined by the husband and wife couple Mr. and Mrs. Praveen. A man of few words, Praveen and I have shared very little in the past 20 years. Yeah! Despite me being a chatterbox. I always respected his silence. And never wished to gatecrash. But that evening, it was different. I spoke to him, perhaps, like I never did. And what he said made so much sense. For the first time I regretted not speaking to him all these years. But it’s till not too late I guess. What say Praveen? 

And then came the show catcher. The one and only. Stany. A guy who can get you rolling on the floor laughing, make you stand up, dust your clothes and wonder, “So what was so funny after all?” And before you get the answer, you’ll find yourself on the floor again. That’s him. I still can’t figure out if it’s his style, or his jokes that’s funnier. But all said and done its great having him
around. All you need to do is, think twice before you say anything. Coz he’s someone who can make a joke out of all that you say. And take my word; you’ll be surprised to see the way he does it.

So there we were. Six of us. Giggling for nothing. Placing orders for all strange sounding and weird looking things on the menu. Clicking snaps. And having a jolly good time. 

A few hours there and we decide to try out some other place. There was a long debate on where to go next. Breadworld. Varkeys. Barrista. Whew. And finally who won? Any doubts? Yours truly after all! ;) So we all headed towards Marine Drive. Me on Rajesh’s Charizma, (Stany claims that the bike had its front wheel on air coz I sat at the back –FUNNY EH?)Krishna with Stany on his bike and the couple, in a rick.

Bay pride mall was crowded. So we made ourselves comfortable on the benches outside, by the backwaters. Munching on corn.  Yummy! (But eating my head! Ugh! ;) )Slowly we moved on to the floating restaurant. A beautiful place to be. Some of us even wished we were with our loved ones on the rooftop, under the starlit sky with the cool winds blowing.  Truly romantic.

Soon it was time for us to take leave. And that’s when it struck us that, we hadn’t ordered anything. Now how to leave without having anything was the question. So it was decided to settle on fruit juice.  And there, the table was set. With coloured glasses. Orange, “green” (again), Yellow. Any guesses whose the green one was? Obviously, Krishna’s! Dunno why he has this thing with greens! But it tasted good. Cucumber juice. Something new to all of us.

And so like that, we could finally walk out with our heads up. And take with us memories of a great evening. Along with some undying memories. For a lifetime. And no matter what our life has in store for each one of us, we are sure that some things are definitely not going to change. No matter in which corner of the world we are, the relationship we share will bring us together some day. Either in a coffee shop or on a roof top.

Cheers guys! To an eternal friendship!


A Love Story

This is the story of a boy and a girl. May sound like just another love story to you. Which it definitely is. Because like in any other love story, the boy and the girl loved each other deeply. Like every other couple, they fought deciding who loved whom more. But unlike many other destinies, theirs took them far away from each other. And yet, their love grew with every passing day. They yearned to be in each others arms. And longed for the warmth of their love.

This is a real story. This is my story. On second thoughts, how can reality be a story? And why would I want to call this a story? This is my reality. Because, this is one of the very few real things that happened in my life. Everything about it was real. The feeling of my heart skipping a beat when I first met him was real. The feeling when I smiled seeing his number flash on my cell was real. The feeling, when I realized I was in love with him, was real. The feeling when we kissed for the first time was real. My love for him was real. He was real. Then what went wrong? I still don’t know. Nobody knows.

It was decided. That he’s the guy I wanted in my life. Probably it was the passion in his voice when he spoke to me. Or perhaps the love in his eyes when he looked at me. I couldn’t stop myself from loving him all the more, every time I spoke to him. There was nothing different in him. And yet there was something special about him. He never went on his knees to propose to me. He never ever took me out on a dinner date. Never sent me those cards with all mushy stuff written all over. He never got the boy to deliver roses at my place. He did nothing that a love struck Romeo would do. But everything about him made me go crazy. I was truly, deeply and madly in love with this guy. I still am.

Amongst all the stuff he never did for me, he had some really nice ways of making me feel special. Like kissing me goodbye and apologizing a hundred times for a busy day at work, and then leaving half day complaining to his boss about a bad headache, to spend the rest of the day with me. Calling me at 12 am, on my bday and reciting a poem he wrote for me. Writing one liner mails saying he loved me like mad. And pulling me against him and saying I was his dream come true, at a “tell me your dreams” game at the Spencer’s Mall.

For me, it was life on cloud 9. I was never in love with anyone so much before. Those who know me also know of the innumerable crushes I’ve had. But with him, I knew it wasn’t just one of those. There was a certain gentleness about him that drew me closer to him. It was as if he spoke romantically, even when he told me how upset he was when I didn’t answer his call the whole day. Even in the worst of his moods, I felt like hugging him tight and leaving myself to his control.

Fights never happened. Arguments died before they were started. All of which was possible thanks to his calm, patient and mature self. Which also taught me a lot. Although unintentionally, he had shown me how to take a relationship further. I’m sure if he’s reading this, he’ll disagree. But if not for him, I would have never known what a relationship meant and how to be happy in it. Thanks for that.

And then it all happened. One after the other. We saw all our dreams disappear. He was sent to the US for a project. I cried the whole night. I was sure however, that come what may; it’s him I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. And decided, be it a year or more, I’ll wait. And like we had known, nothing changed.

We spoke every day. There was hardly a day when he went to bed without wishing me good night. The only thing that changed was the timing. The only difference that came between us. I’d be at work, while he was preparing to hit the bed. I recollect the days when I’d say I’m busy at work, so we can’t talk. He’d wait for a couple of hours, assume that I’d be free and call me again. All this when it’s nearing sunrise in his part of the world. He’d keep himself awake only so that he could talk to me before sleeping. No matter how hard a day he had. And when time permitted, we would talk for hours together. Through the night at times.

Our love flourished. I thanked my stars for getting him. I knew that he was the best thing that happened to me. I knew that I could love no one like I loved him. I was the happiest human being in the world. I loved being in love with him. It was all so pure. Everything seemed so perfect. Nothing could ever go wrong. I knew I couldn’t be happier without him. And I knew he felt the same way.

I waited for him to come back. There were places I wanted to go with him. Where it was just the two of us. I dreamt of a life together with him. I knew he’ll make me his when he’s here.

He’s here today. But seems to have left everything else behind. He says, things are different. I tried hard to see what, but saw nothing. If there was something, why am I unable to see it? He has no answer to give me. I hate to believe it’s over. Everything seems to have come to a standstill. I don’t know where to go from here. What to do next.
I still love him. And I’m sure he loves me too. And I wonder why he’s doing this. It’s not the end for me. I can’t let it end this way. I can’t stop loving him just like that.

I don’t know where my life’s headed towards. I have absolutely no clue what’s in store for me. But there’s definitely one thing I’m sure about. He’s the love of my life. And will always be so. Nothing’s going to change. I’ve always loved him. And will always do.