Future is now?

I don’t even know if can call this weird. Whatever’s been happening to me. One moment I’m all happy and looking forward to life and the other I really don’t know where it’s heading to or what I should expect. It’s been a long year. Yeah. Take it from the time I moved to Chennai. Actually long before that. But for now, let’s rewind only till we can remember.

Whew! What a year. Hell a lot of stuff happened in the past few months. From new hopes, new beginnings, new people, old stories, old feelings to a mix of everything. It’s been quite a ride. And as I come to close to completing one year, everything, one by one is becoming history. Making way for something new to unfold.

Change is imminent for sure! The days to come are gonna be so crucial, I can’t even explain. Life’s gonna change. Lives are gonna change. Times will change. I may change. For the good or worse, nobody knows!

It’s there right in front of me and I can see life taking a new turn. I’m counting days. And I think I can see very clearly what future awaits me with. It’s with fear that I’m treading the path towards a new tomorrow. It’s with anxiety that I wake up every morning.

There’s a plan for sure. For all that’s happening. And everything seems to be moving as per “the” plan. Set by whom? Dunno. But have to say, he/ she is great at his/her job! What it leaves me with, time can only say. Whether it works for me, fate will have to answer.

For now, I’m counting days. Trying to count my blessings. Crossing my fingers. Biting each and every nail. (Nothing left anymore) And trying to walk up straight with the really heavy load in my heart. Hoping, wishing, and waiting for things to be fine.

Weight Laws!

I badly want to lose weight. But not so badly that I’ll wake up at 6 am to go gymming. Or not so badly that I can give up on good food. But I have to lose weight like badly! Ok, now don’t give me that look. I’ve got enough of those and even more from people who'e heard my fundas about the whole thing.

The very first time I consciously got into a weight loss programme was four years back. I remember walking into a gym and watching people work out like there was an invasion expected and people who were fat would be beheaded. So much involvement, so much dedication.

I looked at them and then at myself. And in a day I was there too. Working out equally hard! Believe it or not, I would wake up early morning and drag myself to the gym and work out for 2 straight long hours! I was so proud of myself. I loved it when people looked at me the same way I looked at some others a few weeks back!

It went on for nearly 6 months. At the end of which, I was beginning to get used to people's comments. “You’ve lost weight”, “Hey what have you been doing?” And I would just shrug and say, “Nothing. I just workout a lil bit.” Yeah right! And once I was done with all the praises and feeling good, I was soon back to my old self. Over confidence I guess – that "Oh It just takes a few visits to the gym to get rid of that!" feeling. The few visits however never happened.

I tried hard to keep my eyes open and get myself on the treadmill. But the josh was no longer there! I felt too heavy in my head (Pun intended, Of course) to keep it going.

The following weeks and months saw various new ways to lose weight take shape! The GM diet, skipping, crunches (the max I did were 15?). Finally one worked! The no rice and a lot of veggies diet!

Man! Did it work wonders! I slept as much as I wished! Ate all the food I liked. And still managed to shrink. All I did was replace my lunch with veggies and give up on rice completely (2-3 spoons not counted)!

I remember the looks I got when I told people the way my diet worked! Comments like, “That’s not how it works”, “You’ll only fall sick.” Or just a mere shake of the head (Mallu style) meaning ya right, came in abundance!

The winner was, “Nothing’s going to happen. Wait and watch! You’ll remain the way you are!” I found myself searching for a vase then!

I know it’s hard to believe that you get to eat what you like and still lose weight. The lunch was all that I gave up. And that too not completely. I did gorge on rotis sometimes. Soups and fruit juices kept me going.

But the best part of all this was I could look forward to dinner! That was when I would pamper my taste buds by treating it to some yummy stuff I could bite into! And when it worked, it was once again compliment time! Oh, how I loved it when I shared the secret with those “wise” ones!

Then soon, Chennai happened. Away from home, left with no choice. I either had to cook my own food or eat what I got. Make a wild guess what I chose! I began eating anything and everything I got my hands on. With a heavy heart and (most often a heavy stomach) I saw them come back! All the fat that I got rid of with the rice was making its presence felt once again.

And now, as I write this, I wonder what I should have for dinner. The no rice diet has struck and eyebrows are raised again. But it doesn’t look like I’ll stick by it this time. For once, I’ll let the wise ones be. So much for the two divine creations called food and sleep!

To forgive, or not to forgive!

Scorpions, they say are those who never forgive an enemy and never forget a kindness. Of the latter, I’m sure. But of the former, umm..! I really haven’t had many such experiences where I’ve had to hate somebody. Oh yea, for a moment or a day, I’ve had the urge to kill people. Am sure most of us have. But beyond that, it’s never gone to the extent of hatred.

Now if you mean just not forgetting a bad action, it could be true. Because, I still remember my sister eating the last chocolate I had saved for a week. My class teacher’s sarcastic remark on how well I did in the exam. And Chutki’s comment on my oily hair. If that’s called not forgiving, then am a witch. I remember very clearly each and every instance where I was hurt. By something. Or someone.

As I entered adolescence, the number of occasions where I was so hurt that I almost hated myself, started increasing. Right from the remark from my peers on how short I was. To the false assurance that a secret was just forgotten to share and not intentional. Eveything stayed right there in my mind. Not to treat those who said it with contempt. But only to think about it and feel bad later on.

Quite unusually, I would act very normal to the person who hurt me without giving them the slightest hint of how much they hurt me. It continues to be that way. I forgive. But never forget. At times I wonder why I forgive so soon. So easily. There were instances where I’ve wished to go back in time and screw someone’s happiness for hurting me. And that feeling entered me in the past few years, and is getting stronger with time.

Perhaps because I’ve been taken too much for granted of late. Because I never fight back. Or question back. I always take the blame on my head and forgive the one who’s actually at fault. I keep telling myself, that it is a result of plain misunderstanding. Moreover, I believe that words or actions that have caused pain cannot be taken back. And so what’s the point in talking about what’s happened.

The fear of losing a friend also prompts me from not taking the issue forward. Because I know, that bringing up the topic may lead from discussion to debate. And I, at such junctures, prefer keeping conversations short. So I keep my distance. Try not to talk too often. Because when I do, I can’t help but act normal and forget everything. And honestly, I don’t want to. I’m just forced to.

I really hope, one day I can turn back at all those who’ve hurt me and give them a piece of my mind. If there’s anyone who wants to join me in the mission, welcome! Until then, I’ll carry on being a partial Scorpion. Dreaming of a metamorphosis that’ll help me develop ito a full-fledged one. One, that stings!

Freedom of Expression!

The other day, I had one of my usual tiffs with amma. The reason, again, like always, wasn’t so serious. And on the same day, a very close friend of mine appreciated the maturity I showed towards handling a similar, but different situation. Where I could have lost my patience, over reacted and messed things up. But somehow I didn’t.

As I indulged in the sugar-coated words my friend showered on me, I didn’t really relish it as much as I would have normally. And I presumed, it was coz of the episode with amma. Somewhere, I wasn’t able to relate to the reasons that led to both the situations. On one hand, when I took no time to express my edginess by throwing tantrums, on the other I was as calm as a cloud. Or at least, I tried to be.

That’s it.

I tried to be calm. I made an effort to control my feelings. I forced a smile on my face. And so, succeeded in retiring unhurt. And I kinda felt good about it. But not even the thought of trying, passed my mind while with amma. So who am I after all? Or rather, which of these is the real me?

I’d definitely like to believe I was myself when with my friend. But like I said, it was all an attempt. To be nice. Well ya, it is good if you try to be good. It’s good for the society. It’s good for the country. But what’s the point if you can’t be the same when you’re with your own people?

I don’t mean I’m a rebel who tries to prove everything wrong when with my folks or picks up a fight with them for every small reason. But when you try balancing situations, I definitely ain’t as good as I am when out. Natural?

A forwarded email the other day talked about this. About how we need to think about it and blah! The mail was supposed to light up that dark corner of your mind, where these thoughts lay hidden. Yea, right! All it did was strengthen my doubts further. I mean, looks like everyone around the world’s thinking about it. And just continues doing so.

I tried a simple test. It was based on the kind of relationship I shared with the people involved in either situations. And what I found wasn’t really convincing. But satisfactory.

Probably, (the word’s used intentionally) it’s all about taking your own people for granted. In other words, I wouldn’t bother what amma thought about me if I reacted that way. That is, even if she did think badly, I didn’t mind. Coz she knows me better than anyone else, and so, if she thought I was short tempered, she also knew I would cool down soon. She knows I wouldn’t hurt her intentionally. And at the end of the day, she’s my best friend. And me, her lil angel. ;)

However, I’d probably think twice before reacting in the same manner when with strangers or not-so-close friends. Coz it’s not likely that they’d understand why I reacted that way. It might in turn, hurt their emotions. And end up in creating ill feelings between us. All said and done, I don’t think any of us would want someone to misunderstand us just like that right? And also there’s nothing wrong if you are nice to someone.

So again, does that mean that, with your close friends, you have the freedom to behave the way you wish? It’s nice that way, isn’t it? You really don’t have to think twice. Smiles come naturally. You’re sure you can’t hurt her just like that. You say, her specially designed saree looks awful on her, tell her how much she irritates you and she retorts back. Reminding you about some embarrassing moment or by commenting on your weird dress sense. Nothing makes you a bad person in her eyes or vice-versa.

If not, when you really don’t care about someone or wish not to be so nice with someone, you aren’t always your good self. You often just give them a piece of your mind. And you’re hardly even bothered whether it creates a misunderstanding or you hurt him/her. For all you know, that’s all you intend to do too. A very rare case I suppose.

Makes me think if the same applies when you’re in love with someone. Comes down to the question, is being in love with someone equal to taking him/her for granted? How easy is it to just push aside fights understanding that he/she is just being natural and accept them that way? Does it really help? Or does it just become a forced commitment? Now that’s something I still can’t understand completely.

I guess a lot of factors contribute to each of these cases. It’s not easy to define reasons and their consequences in any of the above situations. The bond or relationship you share is just one of them. Perhaps, the most easily identifiable.

Nibulithic Age English!

Like all those who've known me for a while say; I don't really need a reason to laugh my heart out. But of late, it's different. Thanks to Nibu. My collegue, senior and a great friend!

While on one hand I get to learn loads from this guy his unusually distinct sense of humour can get me rolling on the floor. He has a unique way of converting even a normal, everyday usage into something witty. Here's a sample:

"How many times are there?" - What's the time?

"How many rupees are there in this biriyani?" -How much does
this biriyani cost?

This one's my favourite:

"Thankyou vaari kori much" -Thankyou very much!

And people say I laugh with no reason?

*Vaari kori in malayalam means, heaps and loads*

An Evening To Remember

Like any other reunion, this one was really special too. Though attended by just 6 of us, we brought alive the memories of an entire class of 40. Reliving each moment, each study hour and each leisure period. We sang the songs, once sung for class Antaksharis. Laughed at the goof ups made for class competitions. And teased someone for being the teacher’s pet. In short, it was an evening filled with laughter. When we laughed for funny reasons. Sometimes for no reason at all.

Well, I guess that’s the beauty of togetherness. When you need no reason to be happy. You’re happy just because you’re together. In the company of those whom you love. Adore. Or those who make you feel comfortable just like that. After spending a huge part of your life with someone, there ought to be a level of comfort with them. And amongst us, it was high up there. When you know that at the end of the day, come what may, they’re gonna be there for you.

5 was the time fixed. And like always, it was 6 by the time we were all there. I was the first one. Oh no. Actually it was Krishna. He was there, looking smart in a white shirt and a well done hairdo. Poor guy was there since 430. Not so bored though. Because Cocoa tree was filled with all tweety birds and tinkerbells. So the only problem he faced, was not knowing which direction to turn to. But soon entered the witch in the happy fairytale. Me, myself and all the bad luck for Poor Krishna!  I almost sprained my neck trying to look at him when he stood up. But he was sweet enough to bend down, share a hug and put me to ease.

So, there we were. He, already nibbling on a ham sandwich and a weird looking green drink. And me, trying to make conversation (It was our first “date” after weeks of long chat) and helping him with the sandwich. Assuming he was struggling with it. ;) And always ready to help with food!

It was not long, and there came in the most popular guy (as I would like to believe) in school. Rajesh. In a pleasant yellow Kurta. And his cool dude looks. No matter how hard he tries to put on that “I’m a dude, U” look, he’s always gonna be the guy who tired to impress the girls with his funny actions and witty words in lower primary school. Can’t stop smiling thinking of those days. 

We continued the chat, and soon were joined by the husband and wife couple Mr. and Mrs. Praveen. A man of few words, Praveen and I have shared very little in the past 20 years. Yeah! Despite me being a chatterbox. I always respected his silence. And never wished to gatecrash. But that evening, it was different. I spoke to him, perhaps, like I never did. And what he said made so much sense. For the first time I regretted not speaking to him all these years. But it’s till not too late I guess. What say Praveen? 

And then came the show catcher. The one and only. Stany. A guy who can get you rolling on the floor laughing, make you stand up, dust your clothes and wonder, “So what was so funny after all?” And before you get the answer, you’ll find yourself on the floor again. That’s him. I still can’t figure out if it’s his style, or his jokes that’s funnier. But all said and done its great having him
around. All you need to do is, think twice before you say anything. Coz he’s someone who can make a joke out of all that you say. And take my word; you’ll be surprised to see the way he does it.

So there we were. Six of us. Giggling for nothing. Placing orders for all strange sounding and weird looking things on the menu. Clicking snaps. And having a jolly good time. 

A few hours there and we decide to try out some other place. There was a long debate on where to go next. Breadworld. Varkeys. Barrista. Whew. And finally who won? Any doubts? Yours truly after all! ;) So we all headed towards Marine Drive. Me on Rajesh’s Charizma, (Stany claims that the bike had its front wheel on air coz I sat at the back –FUNNY EH?)Krishna with Stany on his bike and the couple, in a rick.

Bay pride mall was crowded. So we made ourselves comfortable on the benches outside, by the backwaters. Munching on corn.  Yummy! (But eating my head! Ugh! ;) )Slowly we moved on to the floating restaurant. A beautiful place to be. Some of us even wished we were with our loved ones on the rooftop, under the starlit sky with the cool winds blowing.  Truly romantic.

Soon it was time for us to take leave. And that’s when it struck us that, we hadn’t ordered anything. Now how to leave without having anything was the question. So it was decided to settle on fruit juice.  And there, the table was set. With coloured glasses. Orange, “green” (again), Yellow. Any guesses whose the green one was? Obviously, Krishna’s! Dunno why he has this thing with greens! But it tasted good. Cucumber juice. Something new to all of us.

And so like that, we could finally walk out with our heads up. And take with us memories of a great evening. Along with some undying memories. For a lifetime. And no matter what our life has in store for each one of us, we are sure that some things are definitely not going to change. No matter in which corner of the world we are, the relationship we share will bring us together some day. Either in a coffee shop or on a roof top.

Cheers guys! To an eternal friendship!

And yet, it was there…

Wandering eyes, deaf went ears
I spoke from my heart, with no one to hear
A forced little smile, a good word or two,
Is what I wished, a little more from you.

Harsh were those tones, when words pierced deep,
The truth was in your eyes, when you tried to be neat.
From somewhere behind, the corner of my heart,
I wished I went blind, so I could still love your name
And yet, it was there, amidst all despair

I lost it quite often, but found it soon again
And now I try to loose it, but it happens just in vain
My friend it is, my power to push the pain inside
It’s there no matter what, amidst all despair

And yet, its there amidst all despair
Hoping to find one more of its pair,
And in my search for another one,
I almost forgot that I’m loosing mine

Do I keep searching for more?
Or do I stop and look for mine?

Little did I know

Little did I know…
That a heart so sensitive
One that could never stand

The anguish of a loved one,
The fears of a close one,
Would one fine day be the reason for the same

The path that moved towards a happy end
Would one day take a turn half way
And reach a land where one knew not
The meaning of love, the power of a smile

There were days, when I needed no reason to smile
But searched for one, when my loved ones cried
They often struck back as tears to my eye
And yet I believed, in the magic of a smile.


Little did I know…
That a heart filled with love,
For a close one’s smile,
Would have to search for reasons so many,
And yet fail to find any.


Little did I know…

Learning a Universal Language

It’s weird at times. Especially when you’re caught in the act. But once you’ve attained, what I would call a power, you can’t help but being caught. Because, when you put this power into use, what’s important is observation. And observation can at several instances be misinterpreted as staring. Call it whatever, I OBSERVE, every move, every gesture, every expression. And assume I have the power to read the language of body.

Puts me into trouble sometimes. No, not just when caught red handed. But when it stops you from thinking normally. Like when I asked Natasha what she thought of meeting up for lunch the following weekend. “Umm.Well I guess so.”, “Weekend? Not too sure babe”, “Sounds ok”, could have taken the conversation ahead, steering me away from a journey into my sub conscious mind. Ugh! What I hate most.

But my journey began.

No response. I prompt. “Hmmm?”
A slight nod denoting “Huh”?
I ask “Lunch? This weekend?”
Silence again. “Weekend…?”
“Busy?” I ask, beginning to stare*
“Yeah…dunno. Maybe.”
“See, if it’s possible”
Prompt nod!

By now, I’ve reached half way through. Recollecting every gesture. Every expression. Besides the perfect reason being involved in work, I saw a lot more. And slipped into her mind. And here’s what I read. Call me illiterate. No hassles.

Me: What about lunch this weekend?
Natty: Hmm??(Oh shit! How do I say a no?)
Me: Hmmm?
Natty: Huh? (God!! God! Help!!)
Me: Lunch? This weekend?
Natty: (Ok, No I need to do something.) “Weekend?”
Me: Busy?
Natty: “Yeah…dunno. Maybe.” (No way can I make it)
“See, if it’s possible”
Prompt nod! (Whew! Escaped!)


A whole day hence, was spent within my sub-conscious self. Refreshing what I saw, learning her body language. Making attempts to come out, but in vain.

There were echoes through out. Strengthening the chapters I learnt. They all led to one conclusion. A silent body spoke a lot more. The mind speaks the most. And what you say is a continuation of what your mind talks.

Often, the line between blurting and speaking out goes unnoticed. When you blurt, there’s no dialogue happening within, it’s all on the outside. You speak out what’s been happening within. In a universal language, not learnt by many.

And no matter whether you talk or not, your body does. All the time. Whether you look up, down, take a deep breath; bite your lips, stretch, sit up, anything. And if you’ve learnt the language, everything says something to you. I haven’t. I just assume I’ve got a power. Like many others.

Puts me in trouble, coz, there’s no reference. Apart from experience of course. I’ve just acquired it. From no where.

But does it matter?

I give exams, evaluate and even fail. Miserably. But to myself. So it’s fine.

I do wish I never learnt it. At least it wouldn’t make me ponder. Or regret. Makes me see what I don’t want to. Shows me what they don’t want to.

But maybe someday I’ll see something I wished to. And then I’ll be glad.

So, I’ll wait. And keep staring.*


*Also read as observe/observing.