The other day, I had one of my usual tiffs with amma. The reason, again, like always, wasn’t so serious. And on the same day, a very close friend of mine appreciated the maturity I showed towards handling a similar, but different situation. Where I could have lost my patience, over reacted and messed things up. But somehow I didn’t.
As I indulged in the sugar-coated words my friend showered on me, I didn’t really relish it as much as I would have normally. And I presumed, it was coz of the episode with amma. Somewhere, I wasn’t able to relate to the reasons that led to both the situations. On one hand, when I took no time to express my edginess by throwing tantrums, on the other I was as calm as a cloud. Or at least, I tried to be.
I tried to be calm. I made an effort to control my feelings. I forced a smile on my face. And so, succeeded in retiring unhurt. And I kinda felt good about it. But not even the thought of trying, passed my mind while with amma. So who am I after all? Or rather, which of these is the real me?
I’d definitely like to believe I was myself when with my friend. But like I said, it was all an attempt. To be nice. Well ya, it is good if you try to be good. It’s good for the society. It’s good for the country. But what’s the point if you can’t be the same when you’re with your own people?
I don’t mean I’m a rebel who tries to prove everything wrong when with my folks or picks up a fight with them for every small reason. But when you try balancing situations, I definitely ain’t as good as I am when out. Natural?
A forwarded email the other day talked about this. About how we need to think about it and blah! The mail was supposed to light up that dark corner of your mind, where these thoughts lay hidden. Yea, right! All it did was strengthen my doubts further. I mean, looks like everyone around the world’s thinking about it. And just continues doing so.
I tried a simple test. It was based on the kind of relationship I shared with the people involved in either situations. And what I found wasn’t really convincing. But satisfactory.
Probably, (the word’s used intentionally) it’s all about taking your own people for granted. In other words, I wouldn’t bother what amma thought about me if I reacted that way. That is, even if she did think badly, I didn’t mind. Coz she knows me better than anyone else, and so, if she thought I was short tempered, she also knew I would cool down soon. She knows I wouldn’t hurt her intentionally. And at the end of the day, she’s my best friend. And me, her lil angel. ;)
However, I’d probably think twice before reacting in the same manner when with strangers or not-so-close friends. Coz it’s not likely that they’d understand why I reacted that way. It might in turn, hurt their emotions. And end up in creating ill feelings between us. All said and done, I don’t think any of us would want someone to misunderstand us just like that right? And also there’s nothing wrong if you are nice to someone.
So again, does that mean that, with your close friends, you have the freedom to behave the way you wish? It’s nice that way, isn’t it? You really don’t have to think twice. Smiles come naturally. You’re sure you can’t hurt her just like that. You say, her specially designed saree looks awful on her, tell her how much she irritates you and she retorts back. Reminding you about some embarrassing moment or by commenting on your weird dress sense. Nothing makes you a bad person in her eyes or vice-versa.
If not, when you really don’t care about someone or wish not to be so nice with someone, you aren’t always your good self. You often just give them a piece of your mind. And you’re hardly even bothered whether it creates a misunderstanding or you hurt him/her. For all you know, that’s all you intend to do too. A very rare case I suppose.
Makes me think if the same applies when you’re in love with someone. Comes down to the question, is being in love with someone equal to taking him/her for granted? How easy is it to just push aside fights understanding that he/she is just being natural and accept them that way? Does it really help? Or does it just become a forced commitment? Now that’s something I still can’t understand completely.
I guess a lot of factors contribute to each of these cases. It’s not easy to define reasons and their consequences in any of the above situations. The bond or relationship you share is just one of them. Perhaps, the most easily identifiable.