Some songs, sometimes make so much sense. Like they were written for you.

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was thereWill be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be

Who am I?

I’m 26. And I’m an independent woman. Or at least, I’d like to think so. Most women today would like to consider themselves independent at this age. Why women alone? Let’s talk about youth. Aren’t the youth today already free birds, say, at the age of 20? How many of you, below twenty, reading this would like to be told by Mummy what’s to be worn to college today? Some? A few? None?

Well, let me admit I’ve never felt the need to be independent until late. In fact, on the contrary, I always thought I was an independent kid. I was made to believe so. Coz my parents have been working right from when I was perhaps in Kindergarten. And it was no big deal then, or now. I was proud of the fact that my mommy’s working! Unlike other mommies. My sister and I were taught to unlock the door, once back from school, leave our shoes in its place, open the fridge, heat up whatever is there and wait like good girls for one of them to get back.

And while my sister would be busy reading something, I’d climb on to the gate skimpily clothed, LOL. (Hey now we’re talking bout a 5-year old here, mind you) and have my eyes fixed where the road takes a turn. Waiting for my mom to get back. Her eyes fill every time she recollects this.

And that went on. They are still working and we're proud about it. But after a while, when my life reached a juncture and I had to make decisions alone, lead a life of my own, I found myself in a dilemma. Unlike many, who’d wait for an opportunity to break-free and lead their own lives, I found it quite difficult. Now, that’s something I never anticipated.

I’ve reached a stage, where, I can do nothing that would in some way offend my parents. Consciously or unconsciously. I feel the threads are still very strong. Ironically, I do have the freedom to go out with friends, come home reasonably late, stay over at a friend’s and all that. But all this, knowing the limits that have been set for me.

Or take another instance. I decide to dedicate an entire holiday reading a book. I can bet on a fortune that I’d fail to do so. The very thought that I’m not alone and I need to spend time with the others in my house would stop me from doing so. Ok, you think I don’t make sense. All I’m trying to say is that there’s a thread that connects me with a whole lot of people. One that pulls me back every time I begin to wander alone. One that tells me, there are lives connected to you. There are people who’re part of you.

And it’s not just in family. I seem to be leading somebody else’s life all the time. At times I feel it’s better that ways. Coz if given a chance to live my own life, I’d make nothing of it. Today, if you find me reading a book, that’s not me. If you see me watching a movie that won at the Oscars for best editing, that’s not me. If you see me plan my day systematically, hell that’s not me! But I do all of these. However, it’s not what I’d do in “my” life!

Know what I’d do? Sleep. Eat. Chat. Roam around. Watch TV. Talk on phone. And definitely, dream! And that’s when I wonder. When my life’s in real so unproductive, isn’t it better I lead the one someone else asks me to? Of course not forced upon me. I draw inspirations. It feels good when I know I'm doing something constructive. When people whom I look up to make me part of their discussions. Like I’m one among them. Like I’m important. LOL.

And I do so, because I know that otherwise my life aint something you would like to follow. I do nothing that can inspire. That makes you look up to me. But I look up to so many. And I try to do what they do. Like I’m answerable to them.

Aint that good? Or do I just live my life the way I want to. Doing what I feel like? Who knows I may just end up doing something that surprises me myself. And I’d proudly say it’s what I wanted to do and what I love to do. And then I can stop being somebody else?

Still confused.

Controlled Luck!

Fingers crossed.

How true is it, that if you really want to fulfill your personal desire, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen? Coz, if it’s so, then there’s something that I desire for, at the moment. Something that I’ve been strongly wishing for, for the past 3 years. Something that’s been my strongest desire in my life until now. And I want to know, if the whole world is conspiring at all.

This philosophy, which I came across in the Alchemist (one of the many books, which I havent managed to complete so far), has got me thinking. And at times, it makes me believe in it. The way my life’s moving and things are happening, I have no choice but to believe in it. I’ve tried all that I can, to give up on my wish. My desire. Knowing I’m asking for too much. Forcing myself to believe that it ain’t gonna work. But something or the other happens, and voila! Am back to square one. Just not able to let my dream go. Yearning for it to happen.

I have no choice but to believe, that the world does seem to be conspiring. Because, why else would I find myself in a dilemma, every time I let it go? And then on cloud 9, every time it’s back with me? Why does all this force me to believe that it means something. That probably it’s meant to be. And how I love to believe it does! Coz I strongly feel so!

There’s nothing about it that tells me to think twice. Or to move on. But almost everyting about it asks me to just hang on. Hold on for a while. Like everything’s soon gonna fall in place. Everything’s happening for the good. Something keeps telling me not to stop trying. The further I try moving away from my desire, the more I’m being pulled back to it. And that’s when I decide to give in. And to let the best happen. Coz I know, that what I wish for, is true. And hope, that when I wish from the bottom of your heart, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen.

Fingers crossed.

A Love Story

This is the story of a boy and a girl. May sound like just another love story to you. Which it definitely is. Because like in any other love story, the boy and the girl loved each other deeply. Like every other couple, they fought deciding who loved whom more. But unlike many other destinies, theirs took them far away from each other. And yet, their love grew with every passing day. They yearned to be in each others arms. And longed for the warmth of their love.

This is a real story. This is my story. On second thoughts, how can reality be a story? And why would I want to call this a story? This is my reality. Because, this is one of the very few real things that happened in my life. Everything about it was real. The feeling of my heart skipping a beat when I first met him was real. The feeling when I smiled seeing his number flash on my cell was real. The feeling, when I realized I was in love with him, was real. The feeling when we kissed for the first time was real. My love for him was real. He was real. Then what went wrong? I still don’t know. Nobody knows.

It was decided. That he’s the guy I wanted in my life. Probably it was the passion in his voice when he spoke to me. Or perhaps the love in his eyes when he looked at me. I couldn’t stop myself from loving him all the more, every time I spoke to him. There was nothing different in him. And yet there was something special about him. He never went on his knees to propose to me. He never ever took me out on a dinner date. Never sent me those cards with all mushy stuff written all over. He never got the boy to deliver roses at my place. He did nothing that a love struck Romeo would do. But everything about him made me go crazy. I was truly, deeply and madly in love with this guy. I still am.

Amongst all the stuff he never did for me, he had some really nice ways of making me feel special. Like kissing me goodbye and apologizing a hundred times for a busy day at work, and then leaving half day complaining to his boss about a bad headache, to spend the rest of the day with me. Calling me at 12 am, on my bday and reciting a poem he wrote for me. Writing one liner mails saying he loved me like mad. And pulling me against him and saying I was his dream come true, at a “tell me your dreams” game at the Spencer’s Mall.

For me, it was life on cloud 9. I was never in love with anyone so much before. Those who know me also know of the innumerable crushes I’ve had. But with him, I knew it wasn’t just one of those. There was a certain gentleness about him that drew me closer to him. It was as if he spoke romantically, even when he told me how upset he was when I didn’t answer his call the whole day. Even in the worst of his moods, I felt like hugging him tight and leaving myself to his control.

Fights never happened. Arguments died before they were started. All of which was possible thanks to his calm, patient and mature self. Which also taught me a lot. Although unintentionally, he had shown me how to take a relationship further. I’m sure if he’s reading this, he’ll disagree. But if not for him, I would have never known what a relationship meant and how to be happy in it. Thanks for that.

And then it all happened. One after the other. We saw all our dreams disappear. He was sent to the US for a project. I cried the whole night. I was sure however, that come what may; it’s him I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. And decided, be it a year or more, I’ll wait. And like we had known, nothing changed.

We spoke every day. There was hardly a day when he went to bed without wishing me good night. The only thing that changed was the timing. The only difference that came between us. I’d be at work, while he was preparing to hit the bed. I recollect the days when I’d say I’m busy at work, so we can’t talk. He’d wait for a couple of hours, assume that I’d be free and call me again. All this when it’s nearing sunrise in his part of the world. He’d keep himself awake only so that he could talk to me before sleeping. No matter how hard a day he had. And when time permitted, we would talk for hours together. Through the night at times.

Our love flourished. I thanked my stars for getting him. I knew that he was the best thing that happened to me. I knew that I could love no one like I loved him. I was the happiest human being in the world. I loved being in love with him. It was all so pure. Everything seemed so perfect. Nothing could ever go wrong. I knew I couldn’t be happier without him. And I knew he felt the same way.

I waited for him to come back. There were places I wanted to go with him. Where it was just the two of us. I dreamt of a life together with him. I knew he’ll make me his when he’s here.

He’s here today. But seems to have left everything else behind. He says, things are different. I tried hard to see what, but saw nothing. If there was something, why am I unable to see it? He has no answer to give me. I hate to believe it’s over. Everything seems to have come to a standstill. I don’t know where to go from here. What to do next.
I still love him. And I’m sure he loves me too. And I wonder why he’s doing this. It’s not the end for me. I can’t let it end this way. I can’t stop loving him just like that.

I don’t know where my life’s headed towards. I have absolutely no clue what’s in store for me. But there’s definitely one thing I’m sure about. He’s the love of my life. And will always be so. Nothing’s going to change. I’ve always loved him. And will always do.