Who am I?

I’m 26. And I’m an independent woman. Or at least, I’d like to think so. Most women today would like to consider themselves independent at this age. Why women alone? Let’s talk about youth. Aren’t the youth today already free birds, say, at the age of 20? How many of you, below twenty, reading this would like to be told by Mummy what’s to be worn to college today? Some? A few? None?

Well, let me admit I’ve never felt the need to be independent until late. In fact, on the contrary, I always thought I was an independent kid. I was made to believe so. Coz my parents have been working right from when I was perhaps in Kindergarten. And it was no big deal then, or now. I was proud of the fact that my mommy’s working! Unlike other mommies. My sister and I were taught to unlock the door, once back from school, leave our shoes in its place, open the fridge, heat up whatever is there and wait like good girls for one of them to get back.

And while my sister would be busy reading something, I’d climb on to the gate skimpily clothed, LOL. (Hey now we’re talking bout a 5-year old here, mind you) and have my eyes fixed where the road takes a turn. Waiting for my mom to get back. Her eyes fill every time she recollects this.

And that went on. They are still working and we're proud about it. But after a while, when my life reached a juncture and I had to make decisions alone, lead a life of my own, I found myself in a dilemma. Unlike many, who’d wait for an opportunity to break-free and lead their own lives, I found it quite difficult. Now, that’s something I never anticipated.

I’ve reached a stage, where, I can do nothing that would in some way offend my parents. Consciously or unconsciously. I feel the threads are still very strong. Ironically, I do have the freedom to go out with friends, come home reasonably late, stay over at a friend’s and all that. But all this, knowing the limits that have been set for me.

Or take another instance. I decide to dedicate an entire holiday reading a book. I can bet on a fortune that I’d fail to do so. The very thought that I’m not alone and I need to spend time with the others in my house would stop me from doing so. Ok, you think I don’t make sense. All I’m trying to say is that there’s a thread that connects me with a whole lot of people. One that pulls me back every time I begin to wander alone. One that tells me, there are lives connected to you. There are people who’re part of you.

And it’s not just in family. I seem to be leading somebody else’s life all the time. At times I feel it’s better that ways. Coz if given a chance to live my own life, I’d make nothing of it. Today, if you find me reading a book, that’s not me. If you see me watching a movie that won at the Oscars for best editing, that’s not me. If you see me plan my day systematically, hell that’s not me! But I do all of these. However, it’s not what I’d do in “my” life!

Know what I’d do? Sleep. Eat. Chat. Roam around. Watch TV. Talk on phone. And definitely, dream! And that’s when I wonder. When my life’s in real so unproductive, isn’t it better I lead the one someone else asks me to? Of course not forced upon me. I draw inspirations. It feels good when I know I'm doing something constructive. When people whom I look up to make me part of their discussions. Like I’m one among them. Like I’m important. LOL.

And I do so, because I know that otherwise my life aint something you would like to follow. I do nothing that can inspire. That makes you look up to me. But I look up to so many. And I try to do what they do. Like I’m answerable to them.

Aint that good? Or do I just live my life the way I want to. Doing what I feel like? Who knows I may just end up doing something that surprises me myself. And I’d proudly say it’s what I wanted to do and what I love to do. And then I can stop being somebody else?

Still confused.


Vik said...

Hey matey, quite profound. I guess that skimpily dressed part would have ripped every parent. So I don't blame your mom having a moist eye. LOL

No seriously, it is interesting you write this. It is all about the emotional bank balance you seem to accrue, you know. So that is where you are at this point wondering if one move to one place would hurt people around. Would I do this and would that hurt some other person who has lent me his/her shoulder sometime back. I think you should let it all go. You are independent, beautiful :-) * I have to add some serious adjectives appropriately*,so yea just be yourself and you have one life so go for it (Whatever it is).

I know where you come from about what IF it would be taken in bad taste by someone.May be I read it from one point of view which may not be what you meant but if knew it well sometimes we all get so bogged down by the series of What IF's. Sometimes everyone who are good to us need not be the important ones whom we have to be worried abt. I am like curt here. Actually this is what I think. So..Besides, opinions are like for everyone. So yea if it is like really really important, I would only consider the ones that matter to me - the near and dear. If that is hard to convince, I will try else I would be pushed to that corner where I would defend and make a decision them vs my interest. But,again when it comes to that immediate important family folks, then what decisions we take is quite confusing.

craving to love life said...

i look up to u..FYI....it was nice....tat's wut happens wen u write after so long...no wonder i din hear from u last night...

Shynil Hashim said...

nice one! no confusions if u r in the author's shoes. but i'm sure u cud try n leave something for the readers as well.

Umesh said...

There is nothing wrong in taking an effort to do something if you think it is for good. You do things which makes others happy. It mightbe something which you havent done in your life or even thought of doing. But as our happiness lies in seeing our near and dear happy it only helps. Its like my boredom funda... :-)

claytonia vices said...

It is like this for me, I will explain with an example. Parents always told me that sleeping early and waking up early is good. Initially it might have been not out of choice that I did it but for various reasons like not wanting to be on time to school, etc. Later when there was no need to do it I also slept late and did what I felt like. But it did not feel good because I was actually doing things my best and at my happiest state when I woke up early. So then I made it MY rule and then no one could change that.

If you realize something is good for you, you make that habit YOURS and then there is no more external force involved. After all we have a unique brain and mind... If we are incapable of deciding what is good for ourselves we will allow either a TV commercial, a parent, a friend or a neighbor to decide... and yet the positive or negative consequences are ours... and of course we will end up feeling like we ARE leading someone else's life, isn't it?

I am actually trying to understand this. If someone actually needs u to talk to them, then not reading the book and giving the company is great. But then not reading a book just with the idea of obliging someone even when there is no need??? Is that what you mean?

Neha Premanand said...

people we look upto maybe in conflict with themselves as well gal..To us they..they inspire.. but r u sure they are content with themselves? maybe not!! so y wud it be good to follow something that hasn't even made that person( who u derive inspiration from) happy or content? If u become happy or content with watching Tv or dreaming.. if it really makes u happy!! then one day some great person may want happiness to come to him just as it came to u!! in simple ways that seem so tough to follow just because everyone does not follow that!! and maybe that is why everyone is not happy either!! no one to blame.. but ourselves.. all of us put together!! as individuals.. as groups.. y cant we derive inspiration from ourselves? here 'we' includes 'me'.. coz i know i am no diffrent!! but like the old song said.. " Another brick in the wall " that is what we finally end up being.. with inspiration or without it!! coz we refuse to follow heart!! and wait to follow others so that others could follow us!! is it really worth it? to follow and be followed?

speed said...

It was indeed nice to read a touching blog after a long time. I am tempted to reciprocate..sorry in case you dont like this....after all i am a stranger and you tend to keep strangers away (Why I dont understand.. anyways its your right to think the way you want to think ..). But mind that Strangers are sometimes much better than close ones.. Only experience can teach you that..

Going thru your blog. You mentioning about rying to do things that others want you to do or live life the way you want to live.

You have two options here:
First one is.. you can live your life the way you want to live.. But you must be sure what you want in life.. Many of us are so immatured and indecisive when it comes to own life. Leave alone, we cant even decide ourself what we need to eat when we go to a restaurant !!! We move around the menu table 10 times across each other before we finally decide what we eat!.. Sounds Strange ! but it is the reality. Then you are responsible for what you are ! you cant blame it on others.. yet feel bad about it if things go wrong.

Second option is to leave it to others to think on behalf of you. Its the easiest way.. to float around as if i am not responsible for what i am. You dont really have to worry about what will happen to you because there are others to take care of you upto a certain stage. This works in the old principle of human civilisations where a woman is always under control of a men, Poor is always under control of the rich, Powerfull is dominating the powerless .. and so on..
So if the powerful is kind,rich,strong, powerless will get a good deal.

But the later will always have a say that whatever happend is not attributed to his or her decisions and can always look at your own life with a pelicans view.. This is a great advantage you know for all escapists.

Have you anytime gone thru Osho Rajnish videos ? many of them are available in youtube.. must go thru that and will get enchanted a bit and relieved a bit of your pressures of life. Please ignore if you have already done this.

Life is full of events, and you always influence someone or thrust someone to behave the way you want them to behave. This could be because of many reasons:

Lovers behave in a way which is commonly called as possessiveness.

Husbands do this in a way called authorititive..

Wives do this in a way called bonding..

Friends and relatives often do this in a way called ettiquetes or rituals.

Society and religion do this to you in the form of ceremonies..functions.. faithful compulsions.. etc.

You have no escape from all these. If you try to be different from all these, society will strangle you to death!

Life is tough.. and the saying goes here..

when the going gets tough,, the tough gets going..

So you need to be tough in your thoughts to break the rules! when I say break the rules, dont get confused as you need to be a rebel. no way !! Like a 5 year old not keen to do a days home work, or failing to arrange his school timetable in his school bag.. we treat this as crime! forget about getting low marks..

So there are clear double standards too. When we think about breaking free.. are we also trying to break others free ?

Eg:- Will it be okay for you to allow your husabnd or wife to spend time with another opposite sex who is as or more charming as you ?

I have millions of examples where human beings show clear double standards! There are scenarious..
I am okay you are okay...
I am okay you are not okay..
I am not okay you are okay...
I am not okay you are not okay..

4 of them.. apply in most of the cases. So life encircles around these 4 sentences.

Can you change them to ..

I am okay.. i dont care about you..

You dont care about me.. and still I am okay with that..

If you can do that. you are suceeded. you reach Maslow's highest need in the hierarchy... the state of NIRVANA...

unconditionally love everyone to be able to reach there..

neha said...

its like someone reading my thoughts and putting them here! :)

woodpecker said...

what that neha.. you are telling that sarita and you share similar thoughts! bravo !