22.5.07

So, what’s wrong?

When you’ve finally decided what you want to do, something around you stops you from doing it. And then you start thinking if you took the right decision. And by then it’s too late to go back and change it. So then what do you do? Stick to it and face things as they come? Or sit and think of an alternative that never exists? Either ways, it doesn’t help. So all you can do is stop thinking about it.

But what happens when you just can’t let go off whatever lead to the decision? It follows you wherever you go? Just when you’re still thinking of whatever happened. You’re still wondering if what happened was right. That’s not all. There comes a point when I even wonder what came first. The chicken or the egg. Is my present situation a result of my decision? Or is my decision a result of my present situation? Confusing, either ways.

It’s like this. Before I reached this point in time, I almost dreaded it. Wished it never came. But then when it did, I almost didn’t even realize it. Did my destiny prepare me for it? Perhaps yes. Coz, I’ve gone through this several times before. And every time it happened, I’ve lost it. So then again, why not this time? What makes it so different now? It’s got to be the numbness that’s got on to me. I’ve acquired from somewhere the power of immunity. And lost the cells of sensitivity.

Just when you learn to take the pain and move on, something even worse begins to trouble you. Questions from everywhere begin to taunt you. How the hell did you manage to take it so well? Are you not upset at all? Was it so easy after all? Then, what did all that happen in past years mean after all? Whew! Crying over spilt milk is what’s expected out of you. If you thought getting yourself another bowl, and not worrying abut what happened was a sensible move, then you’re wrong.

Coz that shows how much that bowl mattered to you after all. It’s not just what the world tells you. It’s what you begin asking yourself after a while. You know the answer. But it makes no difference. And the funny thing is you don’t know what’s wrong and right till you surrender to your conscience. One that tells you you’re wrong all the time. And when you finally listen to it, and do what it says, you confirm once again with experience that you’ve always been right. You win. And you conscience loses. But if your conscience wins, then lucky you! But that’s just 10 % of the case.

So again, you get back to war. With something deep in your heart telling you, you can’t be wrong. And just keep fighting. Hoping that someday you can tell yourself, that although you weren’t always right. You weren't always wrong either.


2 comments:

addict said...

Sari,

How can you pen down these corrugated and confused state of mind? I mean, i thought only very few people like me could do that! ;-) I totally agree to the helplessness faced compulsorily by anyone, to the subtle note of the deadliest of pain that you are able to omit... so what else can you do? other than write all these emotions!!!
very good one sari... you have motivated me too to write something now, its been really looooooooooong...

Sujit said...

theres a saying that you don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did...
its all bout living urself wthout regretting i guess.. a compromise whch we all do unintentionally(debatable!!) so that we don crib/cry/curse blah blah all thrghot our life...