16.4.08

Communication gap!

The gender war has never been a subject of concern to me. Perhaps because I haven’t really felt the need for being at par with my fellow being of the opposite sex. Complacence. You could say. But from where I see it, it’s the company of some good men I keep. I haven’t really had fights with any of my male friends on what our responsibilities to the society are. They are people who are open to my views and never try to dominate theirs on mine. Vice versa as well.

There’s never been an instance where I’ve told myself, never trust men. I’ve had bad experiences, yes. But the instinct to set that as a bad example has never worked with me. To forgive, or not to forgive has always been a reason for dilemma. Which is why, perhaps, I continue interacting with them like nothing’s wrong. And I do not regret. I don’t feel bad.

But my concern begins here. This one’s addressed to all the men reading this. I want you to tell me, how you would you gauge a situation I’m about to describe. Let’s assume we know each other. We’re not really good friends or anything. We’re not even just friends. We’re just acquaintances. And have often exchanged a hi or a bye. And at some instance, phone numbers. With absolutely no “wrong” intentions. Neither of us.

And one day I see your number flashing on my screen. I pick it up with a smile, coz that’s your first call to me. And the feeling within me is a mix of wonder and curiosity. As a result of which follows the greeting. And you greet back. It’s a casual call you made. Or at least you made me believe so. And we begin talking.

Now I, the way I am, laugh more, talk less. (Well, not exactly less. But you know what I mean.) Like I’ve known you for ages. Crack jokes. Pull your leg. And you reciprocate the same way. And we hit it off really well. At the end of the conversation, I hang up telling myself: “Oh that was a nice conversation.” And it ends there.

What about you? Would you tell yourself “That was fast. She seems to be an easy prey”? Or would you feel the same I did? I would like to, and have always believed it’s the latter. But I’ve often been warned against fast and easy conversations. Been advised that I could probably be giving wrong signals. And that gives me bad feelings. Has often wanted me to erase conversations. Hated myself for being the way I am.

Am I wrong when I see it as a casual friendly conversation? When I don’t see the big deal in it and talk like I would talk to any other good friend? Why do you, if at all you do, take wrong signals? Feel that I’m being open to ideas? Is there something unnatural about me being the open, casual, way I am?

I’ve probably raised several eyebrows right here. If I have, guys this aint for you. For others with a smirk and the "I know what you’re talking about babe" look, read on. Perhaps you want to tell me something I don’t know. And should know. So be kind to comment. The ones with eyebrows raised can comment too. You’re probably few of those who talk the way I do. And think the way I do. So no one other than you can make me feel better. But no matter what you feel, let me know. Either ways, you’re helping.

22 comments:

speedskaber said...

ohh gawd! you are so interesting! most of the things you have said in the blog are mere reality. I would love to tell you about me before commenting on your request that you want all men reading this to tell you how would you guage the situation that you described.

My friends describe me as smart dark and handsome.. dont claim to be tall, as i dont feel 174 cms height is very tall. An animal who lives in the internet jungle almost 18*7 (probably takes off to bed at 12 and back at around 6 in the morning)routine.

I have lots of friends who are known to me, have lots of friends who are not known to me (net friends), have some one who are my friends' friends.. etc.

In my orkut i have around 100 friends with most of whom i interact on a daily basis. May be 10 of them are girls whom i have not seen, only seen thru photographs. Yet I chat with them passionately, would love to talk fun, and so on.. they also love me... some one speaks to me on phone, and even talks about their bedroom stories to me!! I would love to talk to strangers and make them friends but yet keep them strangers always in my life..!! No real intentions indeed ! dont think that i am trying to pull a fast one on you now.

Now coming back to your questions (I want to know from all men, how do you read a woman who is on the other end of the computer at some place which may or may not be known to you..?)

I am assuming that we are known to each other.. as your condition described so. Not even just friends, just acquaintances often exchanged a by or a hi.. may be at some instances a phone number and has no wrong intentions!!

While most girls and even me, do this in reality without any wrong intentions..I can bet you friend, most men are not like that.. men are always looking and would always love to dig where there is little water!! though there are no bad intentions!

I have seen enough men talking about girls whom they meet on chat or meet saying it proudly to others mostly in parties (or only male gatherings!). Men have always treated to have as many woman with them and will always take this as a pride ! Whereas most woman I have seen have been treasuring the relation saying that they have enjoyed being with a person and will always say that "he is a nice person". (But most of these nice persons would be not so very nice to their own pair i mean gf or wife.. try a closer look at men you have around you.. they will have some problems at their home! or may be they are womanisers!!)

Again, its just generalisation. I wont be able to comment on your friends because there may be good guys, bad guys, ugly guys and so on.. But you must be aware of the double standards! you can easily come to know about a person by asking a question.. how many chat friends his wife has ? Or does she have any boyfriends with whom she spends time ? Or would you like to have a boyfriend talking to her everyday on phone or chatting to her when you are away ? This will hurt his manlihood and may be that would be the end of your relation even (Amazing ?? right.. but true). Men are MCPs Men are MCPs no doubt about it.

So please dont keep any hopes about men. To know them is not to try to to know them. If you try to know men.. you will start hating them no matter how tall, how fair, how straight,how hunk they look.

Taking "wrong signals" or giving "wrong signals" ... this needs to be cleared first. What you mean by taking wrong signals ? Are you trying to explain that from a harmless act, men will try to read something odd, and try to catch from there ? No.. not really, the fact of the matter is that they are not really close to you. What makes you close is only the feeling that you are also yet another good looking woman..

You can test men for their intentions very fast.. pull a fast one and see how he falls ..

Men are bound to fall to female charm. It is very easy for a woman to get a man in her arms.. But in otherwords, mean need to try.. and they keep on trying keep on trying.. that how they are made.. they are from mars..and mars is always hot and red.. while your venus mount really crave only to the one you love.. at the same time men can make love and not to love a woman.

Rosemary said...

aaaaaahhh girl....
u freak me out...
those r question which plague me too!!..so all u men out there..plz speak up!!
do u know...my brothers are forever telling me.."dont give ur number to anyone..not even to my best friends..." "even if u do..don talk to them"

Jayasuryan said...

Its in our nature[men] to get attracted towards u beautiful people[women] ;)
Whenever a gal makes a call to me my heart began to pump faster…..
I am a bit shy whn making calls to gals esp if they r strangers to me
But once it get started it goes well n if my wavelength( read d one who accepts d way I am, plus n minus)
its okei for me….otherwise I will wear my mask….
A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. What women don’t know abt Men is that they need to hav a reason to talk. We don’t talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a women talks for a while, a man will start to open up n share how he relates to what she has shared.
For instance, if she talks abt sum of her difficulties during d day he may share some of d difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks abt her feelings abt sthg, he may then talk abt his feelings on d same topic. As she opens up n doesn’t feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up.
A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has something to say he will resist bcoz he feels her demand. She never feels that unless he talks, he doesn’t love her. To reject a man for not talking is to ensure that he has nothing to say.
A man needs to feel accepted just the way he is. And then he will gradually open up. He does not get wrong intentions if u communicate ur feelings with clarity.
Women talk for a variety of reasons.
1. To convey or gather information [This is generally d only reason a man talks]
2.To explore n discover wat it is ….
3. To feel better n more centered when she is upset[ he stops talking whn he is upset]
4.To create intimacy. Though sharing her inner feelings she is able to knw her loving self[ a man stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself]
Without dis vital understanding of our differences and needs u may giv `Him’ d wrong signal
Remember we r supposed to be different….
Never go into a mans cave or youll be burned by a dragon
;)

craving to love life said...

hey,
know wut? I was myself trying to write something like wut wrote. The thot has been driving me crazy for the past 1week, but i wanted some more researches before i cud c myself writing on this topic. And now tat u have written, i kno i can ask for few more questions before i finally sit down and write abt it...
As for an answer to ur question, to an extent it's an inborn nature. besides, der are instances wen u first get the number, then u ask out for a coffee and then things starts to roll.
the first ques to ask wile asking or giving away numbers is categorising the other person.
acquaintence
business
casual
and so on... tat tho u cud understand from the nature of teh conv u have already had wid him
it's to complex....i wil write abt it in detail after quizzing u....

Anonymous said...

hi

dis is a woman talking to u..possibly ur age..and someone who hz had such experiences occasionally..one thing i ve learnt (maybe not d hard way always) dat men need to be shown "real" distances.. they cant percieve a distance from ur voice, ur expressions or body language... u need to literally "tell" them where they belong.. so if u r gonna speak to an acquaintance like u ve been best friends with him, he's gona think "wow shes flirting".. so u have to giv them dat occasional pinch dat says "look u mean nothn to me..am jus chattin with u bcz i ve nothn better to do".. listen girl, u really dont ve to please them all... trust me, u get a lot more respected dat way.. and of course there ll b men who'd think "oh! bitch"..well dat shows their quality.. do u really need friends like dat?

Pointblank said...

Sari,

I sooo know wot u trying to say... Our society is so bloody biased. Different stds for men n women. Forget bout friendly chats or flirting, even when men sleep around they are players. And we are sluts!!! Sad, eh??

Somehow an image of a coy woman is deeply ingrained in our brain. So if a woman is friendly, sometimes men do get the wrong messages. But then, it also depends on each man. Ppl have different perspectives. It depends on their upbringing and what they ahve been exposed to! So like the ad caption goes - "Life has lotta choices bebe, make the right one today" :)

But then men, I really wanna know wot u have to say bout it. Some men did comment, but m not sure whether they really answered ur qstn!

speedskaber said...

Wrong Signals.... Want to elaborate more on this from a man's perspective..So that it is more clear to all women who are out here reading this.

What is a wrong signal that men take as a wrong signal. Let me explain with some scenarios what one average indian male thinks:-

1.Giving a telephone number to an unknown person or a person who is not so close to you..(He thinks, if this lady can give this to me, she will be giving it to to 10 others too)

2.Talking to him about intimate things. (He thinks she needs to be cuddled and crave for that).

3.Talking about sad things in her life (Probably men dont think bad about it and would love to make her happy! But ask him, does he do that to his own sisters or wife ? He will never do that !! Those who do that to wife/sisters will never be on internet because they will not have time to do this !!! FACT, BARE NAKED TRUTH!!)

4.Talking about other men and commenting about their looks and features.. (Men will think that this lady is so fond of men around her and always think about male beauty and sex in her life..)

5.Talking about drinks / booze habits/parties . (He would love to share his ideas and would love to share a drink/dance with you.. But would not love his wife or girlfriend talking about it to others and sharing it with others! (a double standard)

6.Talking about personal things like garments you wear..(will make them horny..I swear..)

7.Talking about other men in your life. (Guys will like to extract information from you and will start hating you from there... about any bad episodes in your life. so never ever disclose anything to men who doesnt have a business in your life.)

8.Talking about your earlier affairs..(This too is unwarranted. it gives a wrong signal and he can also approach).

Conclusion..

There may be men of character who would be like a friend..I dont deny that fact. I am not a pessimist either. Gals, really it is very rare to see in todays world. Many of them are not actually what they are ! I remember a dialogue in a movie called DHOKA.. (hindi film , a nice one recently released and flopped.. but had a good story) where there is a dialogue..

"Men and women hide so many feelings and emotions from others/outerworld and seldom show a different face to the outerworld. In fact, their real character is the one that is hidden, not the one that is open to public".

So its not surprising if you find the real character in men..after a short period of interaction !!

Internet gives an opportunity to the world to open their mind and show their real characters!

Fear is a character that hides many of these emotions and feelings. Once some one gives you a phone number or loves to be around you, the first thing that goes away from a man is "fear"..

Once he is out of fear ... ohh boy.. now anything is possible..

I am no exception.. But I think I have an insight to see things by staying away from me and happening around me..

Bottomline: Every signal is a good signal or bad signal to others. It depends on the person at the other end how he takes. But the funniesst fact is that most men come to internet is to hook girls..or be around girls..

Some close associates those who can take advantage of your frankness and closeness are :-

***Your brother's friend.
***Your collegue in a distant office.
***Your childhood friends most honest husband.
***Your husband's young brother!!
***Your sisters husband!!
***Your distant relative uncle.
***Your father in law..
***Your son's friend..(If you have a grown up son).

Believe me.. its all because of those wrong signals that I have mentioned and make the other person to get rid of his "FEAR"...

SO BEWARE.. DONT GET THE OTHER PERSONS FEAR GO OFF.. IF THEY DONT FEAR YOU.. YOU ARE DEAD!

So better beware! Its not just strangers! those who are known to you may also have the potention to act and think weird about you, purely depending on his character, need and the very circumstances underwhich he is pulling his life cart.

arvindiyer said...

I don't want to comment anythin here!!! U know what I would say and I know you know what am going to say:) So just smile away and be yourself!!!

g-man said...

it has never been a subject of concern for me either, except when guys (not necessarily guys i know) talk about girls (ditto) in really vulgar terms. that does get irritating and i generally walk away when that happens. but it does happen a lot, and there are times when i just can't walk away owing to some reason.

let me just say this, there are guys out there who have only one thought on their mind (i don't need to elaborate), and you're totally justified in hating the living daylight out of them.

Amooma said...

i totally understand! our curse, wat else!

Umesh said...

Men are men and they are always in search of women. Now the search can be for different reasons. Its not always to have sex; atleast not me. I have different needs from different women. Why women? Coz its another feeling altogether. I'm not saying talking to men has no feelings attached to it. Its another world. The men's world which we are aware of; we r used of. Thats why we yearn for a woman's company.

You are one of the very few women i consider as someone to whom i can talk, crack PJs, laugh and set the house on fire. I do it with all my male friends but when it comes to a girl its special. :-)

We are chasing girls i admit but the needs are different thats all.

Hari Vishnu said...

nice one nice one.. i had the exactly same discussion with one of my close friends who was a girl recently (note that i dint use girlfriend, just friend who is a girl)

there r guys out there who would think either way.. mine would be the second, i say this because ive done it.. but u are completely justified in thinkin there are guys out there who think the first way..

not all males are trustworthy u know..some have only this intention in the mind.. dont let this alienate u from the opp sex, some of the ppl u can get closest to are also guys.. so ultimately upto u to take a safe decision..

that was a purely 50-50 comment wasnt it:-)..

y dont u blog more frequently than once a month?i enjoy reading ur blog.. gives an insight into female psychology (:-P)

Hari Vishnu said...

@rosemary

haha thats wat i told my sister as an elder bro too.. but its changed now.. not all guys are monsters u know :-)..

Hari Vishnu said...

@anonymous

wow a real female chauvinist.. but ur views come out spot on in some cases to me.. some guys need to be shown the distance when ure talking to them, else they misunderstand from ur conversation..

Hari Vishnu said...

@umesh

spot on views same as me again! female company defnitions.. please read my post http://college-memories.blogspot.com/2008/04/hot-seated-eee-kaapad-beach-trip.html about the same topic if u can..

Saritha Rajagopal said...

@speedbreaker. Thanks. Looks like uve spent a lot of your time pondering over this matter. I appreciate that and have noted quite a few intersting points about men ther.

@Rose: Babe, our destiny. Its finally in our court. So we need to think before we serve. No other solution i guess. ;)

@Jaya: A shy guy's the most difficult to figure out. U just made dat easier. ;)

@ Rahul: Man, u shud have written a post on dis. Am sure u have alot more to say.

@ anonumous: It was reading a woman's point of view quite differently. Thanks. U made me think.

@ pointblank: That point bout the coy image of women? Cent epr cent true babe! Dats exactly from where it all crops up babe!

@ Arvind: :)

@ gman: Welcome to DA. Nice to know there r men, who think different too. :)

@ Ammomma: Sigh!!

@ Umesh: I take dat as a compliment umesh! And u definitly dont fall into the guys this one wus targeted at. :) But again, ur comment did make sense.

@ Hari: Will surely write more dude. Just dat, i write best when I think a lot. But yea, nice to knw my blog makes sme difference to people.

--xh-- said...

i cant talk abt all the men, nor can i generalise my response - what i say affects to me - and in my case, i will think - 'man, tahzt so nice.. she is a good friend to talk with... '
nothing more than that...

claytonia vices said...

I think this 'taking things the wrong way' happens more in societies where there is a lot of men-women segregation. It is important to be very frank about it if you feel that someone is misinterpreting you. Saves a lot of trouble, doesn't it?

@rosemary: Girl, learn to know what kind they are first. No point being so paranoid. Not everyone is a predator. I understand that this is very common in societies where a man and a woman talking is always 'interpreted' as something more than just a conversation!

Saritha Rajagopal said...

@ xh: Can't all men think like you?

@claytonia: U make sense!

The Third Twin said...

Hi, the way you have written shows the purity in your intention... This is a rather common question every gal would want to know the answer. Firstly to your question, I would take it as a first step in a healthy friendship and not anything else (although if I mention this incident to my friends the first thing they are bound to say is that man she is trying to hit on u dude!).. I feel be it a gal or a guy, people always tend to find intentions behind others actions, and those actions drives some feelings in us which causes emotions and we all know emotions has taught us to reason. Everybody have their own way of reasoning as to what is happening to him or her with respect to some other person. Even if a guy calls a gal (both acquaintances.. similar case as u mentioned) and talks with her freely, opens up his heart, without any intentions, she is bound to take it as flirting or hitting on her.. Supposing you say something that makes the other have wrong intentions he/she conveniently misinterprets as hitting on or flirting and both guys/gals like being liked by the opposite sex but not crossing the limits.. They reassure themselves telling this is what the other person feels and moves on in that path to finally found out that he/she was terribly mistaken. There are no certain reasons as to why people think this way or why they don’t. I started to understand that you should never mistrust yours or somebody else’s feelings just because you can’t account for them. In fact you having any feeling don’t imply you need to act on it. Most often than not, there are men who think that there are 2 kinds of women, those who like his mother are to be treated with reverence and in no other way and the other women who he needs to test to know if they are of first category or not. An almost infallible sign of such men are their assumptions that all society’s stereotypes apply to u. U must be passive and must be revolted to perversion and these attributes alone prove your chastity. But then there are men who want to give women their due respect and would want to be there for her as a good friend all through her life. And I know many guys (and gals) who are very true in their feelings towards opposite sex. So I would just say if you are wondering, U being the way u are, laugh more and talk less gives you bad feelings that you give away wrong intentions and you have hated yourself for that, u should hitherto feel that way. After all you are what you are and people, who know you well, know you and accept you the way you are!

speedskaber said...

I am tempted to write again!! i have only one thing to say.. You are exactly right.. all men are not like that... but most of them are ! so here is a bit of advice with a simple scenario!

** You go out of your house for work. You are alone at home so you lock the house and go. Dont you ? Its quite a natural thing to do.

You have a choice not to lock the house and go and leave it open for others to enter..

In both scenarios a thief can rob your house. In the former scenario, it will be little tough for the thief to break the house open and then rob...,and in the later it will be easy for him..

It also not necessary that your house will be robbed even if you keep that open.. may be you are lucky that you escape the fate..

Now the choice is yours to keep the door open or closed..

The Third Twin said...

ya i get what u are telling.. like u said the ball is in your court, whether u wanna play with it or jus move on :)