Conditions Apply!

And after all that thinking that went into Who I am, I still feel there’s a lot more to it. It’s such a vast area to think on. So many aspects to it. Like I can go on and on. But I definitely wouldn’t. So, chill.

The other day, I put up a status message on gtalk asking where the rules of life were compiled. And most of you came up with the answer-in my mind. I’d love to believe so. Every time I look for an answer, all I need to do is ask myself what I felt. What’s right and what’s wrong. And my mind would help me out.

It doesn’t work that ways. At least not for me. Well, there are instances when it does. When the consequences aren’t gonna be too heavy. When I can afford to listen to my mind. And be sure of what lies in store for me and handle it with ease.

But there are other times, when I’m absolutely lost. No decision I take seems to be right. And if I end up doing what my mind says then am I in for a disaster, or what!

But lemme ask you, who really decides what’s right and wrong? The society? Our family? I guess so. Let’s assume that’s the case. Now who decides for them? Is there a sole decision maker somewhere there who carries a book with all the dos and don’ts and the rights and wrongs? Coz we seem to be following them quite sincerely.

Look at the rules that have been set up for us. By whom? Who cares? Rules are rules. If I have to get married to the man of my choice, I need to look up at the book of rules. Or do I just ask my mind if I’m right. Perhaps I would. But I certainly cannot end things there. The final call remains with the book. Why? Because that’s what I’ve been taught to believe.

The rule book, I’ve never seen but always heard of, decides what’s right and what’s wrong. And I unconsciously turn to it, for help. I would perhaps not go ahead and do what my mind tells me to, because I haven’t been taught to do so.

I do what the rules say. They say rules are flexible. Anybody can change it. Perhaps yes. But not all of them. Some of them are rigid. So if I’m to get married, then there you have the countless conditions attached to it. It ought to be to

1. A guy.
2. Who came into the world at least a month before me
3. Into a decent family.
4. From the same caste
5. And religion
6. Similar family
7. School of thought – and all that “necessarily” in that order.

And if the book says so, then so be it. And if it were to be looked into for help, then you’ll find absolutely no clauses attached to the first three for sure. And if you need to alter them, then it’s almost like writing a new book. And you would have rewritten rules. As if you rewrote history or something. Something, that the generations to come are most likely to do. Hopefully.

I have a set of conditions too. Ones I’ve set for myself. And not what the world has asked me to. Coz that’s for me to follow, not the world. And whose life is it anyways? It’s not just marriage that I speak of. It’s the countless dreams and desires each of us carry within our hearts. Or perhaps merely what we do or cannot do in our daily lives.

It’s for us to think about. And decide on what’s best for us. I may be tagged a rebel, which I’m not. Coz all said and done, I’ll still do what the book says. All coz of the strings attached.

Eventually, it’s not about rebelling against norms. It’s about seeing nothing rebellious about it.

Who am I?

I’m 26. And I’m an independent woman. Or at least, I’d like to think so. Most women today would like to consider themselves independent at this age. Why women alone? Let’s talk about youth. Aren’t the youth today already free birds, say, at the age of 20? How many of you, below twenty, reading this would like to be told by Mummy what’s to be worn to college today? Some? A few? None?

Well, let me admit I’ve never felt the need to be independent until late. In fact, on the contrary, I always thought I was an independent kid. I was made to believe so. Coz my parents have been working right from when I was perhaps in Kindergarten. And it was no big deal then, or now. I was proud of the fact that my mommy’s working! Unlike other mommies. My sister and I were taught to unlock the door, once back from school, leave our shoes in its place, open the fridge, heat up whatever is there and wait like good girls for one of them to get back.

And while my sister would be busy reading something, I’d climb on to the gate skimpily clothed, LOL. (Hey now we’re talking bout a 5-year old here, mind you) and have my eyes fixed where the road takes a turn. Waiting for my mom to get back. Her eyes fill every time she recollects this.

And that went on. They are still working and we're proud about it. But after a while, when my life reached a juncture and I had to make decisions alone, lead a life of my own, I found myself in a dilemma. Unlike many, who’d wait for an opportunity to break-free and lead their own lives, I found it quite difficult. Now, that’s something I never anticipated.

I’ve reached a stage, where, I can do nothing that would in some way offend my parents. Consciously or unconsciously. I feel the threads are still very strong. Ironically, I do have the freedom to go out with friends, come home reasonably late, stay over at a friend’s and all that. But all this, knowing the limits that have been set for me.

Or take another instance. I decide to dedicate an entire holiday reading a book. I can bet on a fortune that I’d fail to do so. The very thought that I’m not alone and I need to spend time with the others in my house would stop me from doing so. Ok, you think I don’t make sense. All I’m trying to say is that there’s a thread that connects me with a whole lot of people. One that pulls me back every time I begin to wander alone. One that tells me, there are lives connected to you. There are people who’re part of you.

And it’s not just in family. I seem to be leading somebody else’s life all the time. At times I feel it’s better that ways. Coz if given a chance to live my own life, I’d make nothing of it. Today, if you find me reading a book, that’s not me. If you see me watching a movie that won at the Oscars for best editing, that’s not me. If you see me plan my day systematically, hell that’s not me! But I do all of these. However, it’s not what I’d do in “my” life!

Know what I’d do? Sleep. Eat. Chat. Roam around. Watch TV. Talk on phone. And definitely, dream! And that’s when I wonder. When my life’s in real so unproductive, isn’t it better I lead the one someone else asks me to? Of course not forced upon me. I draw inspirations. It feels good when I know I'm doing something constructive. When people whom I look up to make me part of their discussions. Like I’m one among them. Like I’m important. LOL.

And I do so, because I know that otherwise my life aint something you would like to follow. I do nothing that can inspire. That makes you look up to me. But I look up to so many. And I try to do what they do. Like I’m answerable to them.

Aint that good? Or do I just live my life the way I want to. Doing what I feel like? Who knows I may just end up doing something that surprises me myself. And I’d proudly say it’s what I wanted to do and what I love to do. And then I can stop being somebody else?

Still confused.

To forgive, or not to forgive!

Scorpions, they say are those who never forgive an enemy and never forget a kindness. Of the latter, I’m sure. But of the former, umm..! I really haven’t had many such experiences where I’ve had to hate somebody. Oh yea, for a moment or a day, I’ve had the urge to kill people. Am sure most of us have. But beyond that, it’s never gone to the extent of hatred.

Now if you mean just not forgetting a bad action, it could be true. Because, I still remember my sister eating the last chocolate I had saved for a week. My class teacher’s sarcastic remark on how well I did in the exam. And Chutki’s comment on my oily hair. If that’s called not forgiving, then am a witch. I remember very clearly each and every instance where I was hurt. By something. Or someone.

As I entered adolescence, the number of occasions where I was so hurt that I almost hated myself, started increasing. Right from the remark from my peers on how short I was. To the false assurance that a secret was just forgotten to share and not intentional. Eveything stayed right there in my mind. Not to treat those who said it with contempt. But only to think about it and feel bad later on.

Quite unusually, I would act very normal to the person who hurt me without giving them the slightest hint of how much they hurt me. It continues to be that way. I forgive. But never forget. At times I wonder why I forgive so soon. So easily. There were instances where I’ve wished to go back in time and screw someone’s happiness for hurting me. And that feeling entered me in the past few years, and is getting stronger with time.

Perhaps because I’ve been taken too much for granted of late. Because I never fight back. Or question back. I always take the blame on my head and forgive the one who’s actually at fault. I keep telling myself, that it is a result of plain misunderstanding. Moreover, I believe that words or actions that have caused pain cannot be taken back. And so what’s the point in talking about what’s happened.

The fear of losing a friend also prompts me from not taking the issue forward. Because I know, that bringing up the topic may lead from discussion to debate. And I, at such junctures, prefer keeping conversations short. So I keep my distance. Try not to talk too often. Because when I do, I can’t help but act normal and forget everything. And honestly, I don’t want to. I’m just forced to.

I really hope, one day I can turn back at all those who’ve hurt me and give them a piece of my mind. If there’s anyone who wants to join me in the mission, welcome! Until then, I’ll carry on being a partial Scorpion. Dreaming of a metamorphosis that’ll help me develop ito a full-fledged one. One, that stings!

Controlled Luck!

Fingers crossed.

How true is it, that if you really want to fulfill your personal desire, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen? Coz, if it’s so, then there’s something that I desire for, at the moment. Something that I’ve been strongly wishing for, for the past 3 years. Something that’s been my strongest desire in my life until now. And I want to know, if the whole world is conspiring at all.

This philosophy, which I came across in the Alchemist (one of the many books, which I havent managed to complete so far), has got me thinking. And at times, it makes me believe in it. The way my life’s moving and things are happening, I have no choice but to believe in it. I’ve tried all that I can, to give up on my wish. My desire. Knowing I’m asking for too much. Forcing myself to believe that it ain’t gonna work. But something or the other happens, and voila! Am back to square one. Just not able to let my dream go. Yearning for it to happen.

I have no choice but to believe, that the world does seem to be conspiring. Because, why else would I find myself in a dilemma, every time I let it go? And then on cloud 9, every time it’s back with me? Why does all this force me to believe that it means something. That probably it’s meant to be. And how I love to believe it does! Coz I strongly feel so!

There’s nothing about it that tells me to think twice. Or to move on. But almost everyting about it asks me to just hang on. Hold on for a while. Like everything’s soon gonna fall in place. Everything’s happening for the good. Something keeps telling me not to stop trying. The further I try moving away from my desire, the more I’m being pulled back to it. And that’s when I decide to give in. And to let the best happen. Coz I know, that what I wish for, is true. And hope, that when I wish from the bottom of your heart, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen.

Fingers crossed.

Keep Walking!

There was a time when I thought being in school and studying Math and Science took away all the fun that ought to be there in my life. I still believe so to a certain extent. If not for those nerve wrecking exams, I would have spent all my childhood watching TV, playing hide and seek or just sleep. Life would have been so beautiful then. I would look at how the baby next door gazed at blank spaces and laughed and envied her and her freedom! Lucky she! I would say. No exams, no books no nothing. She’s always carried around by someone. She cries when hungry and there’s food. Cries when sleepy and someone’s singing and putting her to sleep. Not fair!

And then the exams just pass by, (pun unintended) and you think that’s the end of all your sorrows in life. A new ray of light has touched you and life is at its best for the next two months! And then, there you are back at your desk. Cursing your fate all over again. And in between all this, your parents walk behind you telling you how important it is for you to study and why fun needs to take a back seat. Oh c’mon! What do they know about the trauma you are going through!

You crib, cry, sulk and finally fly out of the so called prison into a whole new world called college. Life suddenly looks so different. No hard rules. No dress codes. It’s freedom all the way! But prick! Just when you began smiling in your dreams, there comes the most painful part of your life (again). The guy for whom you waited ALL your life. (No matter how many came into your life during that wait) You think God sent him down only so that he meets you, falls in love with and gets married to you. Of course buying expensive gifts come along. And just when you thought he is THE MAN (after rahul, sameer, naveen and Karthik) he tells your best friend how beautiful she looks! Life can be so unfair!

And after living through another traumatic phase of your life, you enter the corporate world. You become financially independent. Life now moves the way you want it to. You take your own decisions. Life isn’t so bad after all. Well, it wouldn’t have been. If not for the nasty, nagging, selfish tyrant called Boss! He knows exactly how to make life miserable. Work loads, deadlines, nightmares! Life’s nothing but a series of failures!

And the saga continues. At every stage of life, you come face to face with a problem which forces you to see the world coming to an end. When you feel so, it helps when you pause a while, turn back and count the number of times you’ve moved on. Or rather life’s moved on. Like my friend says, if you solved equations at the age of 12, meeting deadlines at 25 is no big deal.