Communication gap!

The gender war has never been a subject of concern to me. Perhaps because I haven’t really felt the need for being at par with my fellow being of the opposite sex. Complacence. You could say. But from where I see it, it’s the company of some good men I keep. I haven’t really had fights with any of my male friends on what our responsibilities to the society are. They are people who are open to my views and never try to dominate theirs on mine. Vice versa as well.

There’s never been an instance where I’ve told myself, never trust men. I’ve had bad experiences, yes. But the instinct to set that as a bad example has never worked with me. To forgive, or not to forgive has always been a reason for dilemma. Which is why, perhaps, I continue interacting with them like nothing’s wrong. And I do not regret. I don’t feel bad.

But my concern begins here. This one’s addressed to all the men reading this. I want you to tell me, how you would you gauge a situation I’m about to describe. Let’s assume we know each other. We’re not really good friends or anything. We’re not even just friends. We’re just acquaintances. And have often exchanged a hi or a bye. And at some instance, phone numbers. With absolutely no “wrong” intentions. Neither of us.

And one day I see your number flashing on my screen. I pick it up with a smile, coz that’s your first call to me. And the feeling within me is a mix of wonder and curiosity. As a result of which follows the greeting. And you greet back. It’s a casual call you made. Or at least you made me believe so. And we begin talking.

Now I, the way I am, laugh more, talk less. (Well, not exactly less. But you know what I mean.) Like I’ve known you for ages. Crack jokes. Pull your leg. And you reciprocate the same way. And we hit it off really well. At the end of the conversation, I hang up telling myself: “Oh that was a nice conversation.” And it ends there.

What about you? Would you tell yourself “That was fast. She seems to be an easy prey”? Or would you feel the same I did? I would like to, and have always believed it’s the latter. But I’ve often been warned against fast and easy conversations. Been advised that I could probably be giving wrong signals. And that gives me bad feelings. Has often wanted me to erase conversations. Hated myself for being the way I am.

Am I wrong when I see it as a casual friendly conversation? When I don’t see the big deal in it and talk like I would talk to any other good friend? Why do you, if at all you do, take wrong signals? Feel that I’m being open to ideas? Is there something unnatural about me being the open, casual, way I am?

I’ve probably raised several eyebrows right here. If I have, guys this aint for you. For others with a smirk and the "I know what you’re talking about babe" look, read on. Perhaps you want to tell me something I don’t know. And should know. So be kind to comment. The ones with eyebrows raised can comment too. You’re probably few of those who talk the way I do. And think the way I do. So no one other than you can make me feel better. But no matter what you feel, let me know. Either ways, you’re helping.

Anybody there?

I wish someone could read my mind. I’ve had enough of expressing what I do not feel. And I’m so damn bad at it. I’m miserable when it comes to smiling outside when I’m crying with pain within. So the best thing I can do is, argue or look irritated. And yet not letting out what’s in.

I’ve had enough of asking myself what’s right for me. I’ve had enough of asking myself who I really am. And what I really deserve. People close to me show me the easiest way out. But isn’t that coz they love me and think I’m the best and so nothing bad can or should happen to me?

But how good am I really? Is what I do, always the right thing? Is that what I really want? If it involves two people, is it always that Im right and the other, wrong? Simply because Im chirpy and bubbly doesn’t mean Im also the cleanest soul? I can be wrong too, right? I so miss an unbiased advice sometimes.

And I don’t like to believe that I’m as good as people think I am. I sure have the devil hidden inside me. Who prompts me to take a few decisions? So, that makes me the bad one right? Somebody tell me I’m at fault. That I’m wrong. Don’t always say I did the right thing. We are not talking about the good guy and the bad guy here. We are talking about me and an equally or even better human being. So just because you’re my friend doesn’t mean I’m right? Does it? Sometimes what you think is the wrong advice may be the one I want to hear!

Let’s put an end to the blame game. And see what else can be done. Why are things not happening? Coz they’re not meant to? How funnier can that get? If not anything else, see how difficult it has been for me. And why they’ve been so. Try and see what’s been in my mind. And why I think the way I do? And then give me an answer. That’ll help me sleep in peace.

I wish people saw things the way I see them. The way I know them. And then perhaps they’d know what I want. Perhaps there’s no other way for me to be happy from within and outside. And that if I look fine today, it’s not because I’ve defined right and wrong. Its coz sometimes you just do what’s best for the rest.

Tagain!

I have been tagged yet again! This time by my cutest junior ever, neetu! I’m already late by couple of days. So before she hides her cuteness and shows me another side of hers, lemme get going! I wonder if I know so much about myself though.
So here goes:



Eight things I am passionate about:
1. My friends: No exaggerations here people. I’m serious. Anything for my friends. Hate to see them low and will do anything possible to keep the curve on their faces up!
2. My family: My world. People I can take for granted. Love them heaps and loads!
3. Kids: Hopefully it’ll remain the same when I have my own. Now, my niece is my own. And I love her to bits!!
4. Food: Trying to take it off from the list soon though. Coz it aint doing any good anyways. Just adding some extras here and there. But some things just can’t change.
5. Music: Fast ones, slow ones. Old ones. New ones. Native ones. Foreign ones. Music is any form, welcome!
6. Movies: Trying to get into the serious ones. But seems hard. My preference would be, the romantic, funny ones. I go awwww, every time I see the guy and girl kiss. ;)
7. My dreamz: By the window, gazing into nothing, with a faint smile, dreaming about the beautiful things that have or could happen.
8. My bed: Nothing like cuddling up on my bed, under the blanket on a cold rainy night.




Eight things I want to do before I die (In no particular order):
1. Become Mommy: Justified in the above list.
2. Become vegetarian: I tried, but need to gather a little more will power to stick on to it.
3. Fit into clothes I can never fit into now: For a few months will do. Just wanna know how I’d look in them.
4. Fulfill the dreams of kids who rarely dream: Or at least bring a smile on their faces and make sure they last forever.
5. Travel around the world: To start with, Kerala.
6. Be a known name in the field I excel: I really don’t know if it’ll continue to be advertising. So whatever it be, no more come what mays. I’d better be good at it!
7. Do something really wild, not bothered about the world: Any suggestions?
8. Learn to give it back to people when they hurt me: Some day! And then, leave none alone!



Eight things I say often:
1. Awww...soo cute!
2. Oh my god!!!!
3. Yummyy!!!
4. Hooooribble!
5. Really???
6. Ya right!!
7. Ohhhh Ok!!
8. Okie doks!!



Eight books I’ve read recently:
1. Blink
2. Kite Runner
3. Laughable Loves
4. The great Indian Novel
5. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintanance
Can’t think of any other.



Eight songs I could listen to, over and over:
1. Pehala Nasha
2. Sacrifice
3. Nothing’s Gonna change my love for you
4. When you say nothing at all.
5. Hoshwaalo Ko Khabar Kya
6. Tum Itna Jo muskura rahe ho
7. Maula Mere Maula
8. Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein



Eight things that attracts me to my best friends:
1. Ears to my qualms and a shoulder to cry
2. No reason to laugh
3. They let me be myself
4. Just a call away
5. Talk about anything under the sun
6. Roam around
7. Genuineness
8. Sense and sensibility.



Eight people I think should do this tag
Cant think of 8!
1. Shynil
2. Umesh
3. Hari
4. Romila
5. Rahul
6. Vibin

Conditions Apply!

And after all that thinking that went into Who I am, I still feel there’s a lot more to it. It’s such a vast area to think on. So many aspects to it. Like I can go on and on. But I definitely wouldn’t. So, chill.

The other day, I put up a status message on gtalk asking where the rules of life were compiled. And most of you came up with the answer-in my mind. I’d love to believe so. Every time I look for an answer, all I need to do is ask myself what I felt. What’s right and what’s wrong. And my mind would help me out.

It doesn’t work that ways. At least not for me. Well, there are instances when it does. When the consequences aren’t gonna be too heavy. When I can afford to listen to my mind. And be sure of what lies in store for me and handle it with ease.

But there are other times, when I’m absolutely lost. No decision I take seems to be right. And if I end up doing what my mind says then am I in for a disaster, or what!

But lemme ask you, who really decides what’s right and wrong? The society? Our family? I guess so. Let’s assume that’s the case. Now who decides for them? Is there a sole decision maker somewhere there who carries a book with all the dos and don’ts and the rights and wrongs? Coz we seem to be following them quite sincerely.

Look at the rules that have been set up for us. By whom? Who cares? Rules are rules. If I have to get married to the man of my choice, I need to look up at the book of rules. Or do I just ask my mind if I’m right. Perhaps I would. But I certainly cannot end things there. The final call remains with the book. Why? Because that’s what I’ve been taught to believe.

The rule book, I’ve never seen but always heard of, decides what’s right and what’s wrong. And I unconsciously turn to it, for help. I would perhaps not go ahead and do what my mind tells me to, because I haven’t been taught to do so.

I do what the rules say. They say rules are flexible. Anybody can change it. Perhaps yes. But not all of them. Some of them are rigid. So if I’m to get married, then there you have the countless conditions attached to it. It ought to be to

1. A guy.
2. Who came into the world at least a month before me
3. Into a decent family.
4. From the same caste
5. And religion
6. Similar family
7. School of thought – and all that “necessarily” in that order.

And if the book says so, then so be it. And if it were to be looked into for help, then you’ll find absolutely no clauses attached to the first three for sure. And if you need to alter them, then it’s almost like writing a new book. And you would have rewritten rules. As if you rewrote history or something. Something, that the generations to come are most likely to do. Hopefully.

I have a set of conditions too. Ones I’ve set for myself. And not what the world has asked me to. Coz that’s for me to follow, not the world. And whose life is it anyways? It’s not just marriage that I speak of. It’s the countless dreams and desires each of us carry within our hearts. Or perhaps merely what we do or cannot do in our daily lives.

It’s for us to think about. And decide on what’s best for us. I may be tagged a rebel, which I’m not. Coz all said and done, I’ll still do what the book says. All coz of the strings attached.

Eventually, it’s not about rebelling against norms. It’s about seeing nothing rebellious about it.

Who am I?

I’m 26. And I’m an independent woman. Or at least, I’d like to think so. Most women today would like to consider themselves independent at this age. Why women alone? Let’s talk about youth. Aren’t the youth today already free birds, say, at the age of 20? How many of you, below twenty, reading this would like to be told by Mummy what’s to be worn to college today? Some? A few? None?

Well, let me admit I’ve never felt the need to be independent until late. In fact, on the contrary, I always thought I was an independent kid. I was made to believe so. Coz my parents have been working right from when I was perhaps in Kindergarten. And it was no big deal then, or now. I was proud of the fact that my mommy’s working! Unlike other mommies. My sister and I were taught to unlock the door, once back from school, leave our shoes in its place, open the fridge, heat up whatever is there and wait like good girls for one of them to get back.

And while my sister would be busy reading something, I’d climb on to the gate skimpily clothed, LOL. (Hey now we’re talking bout a 5-year old here, mind you) and have my eyes fixed where the road takes a turn. Waiting for my mom to get back. Her eyes fill every time she recollects this.

And that went on. They are still working and we're proud about it. But after a while, when my life reached a juncture and I had to make decisions alone, lead a life of my own, I found myself in a dilemma. Unlike many, who’d wait for an opportunity to break-free and lead their own lives, I found it quite difficult. Now, that’s something I never anticipated.

I’ve reached a stage, where, I can do nothing that would in some way offend my parents. Consciously or unconsciously. I feel the threads are still very strong. Ironically, I do have the freedom to go out with friends, come home reasonably late, stay over at a friend’s and all that. But all this, knowing the limits that have been set for me.

Or take another instance. I decide to dedicate an entire holiday reading a book. I can bet on a fortune that I’d fail to do so. The very thought that I’m not alone and I need to spend time with the others in my house would stop me from doing so. Ok, you think I don’t make sense. All I’m trying to say is that there’s a thread that connects me with a whole lot of people. One that pulls me back every time I begin to wander alone. One that tells me, there are lives connected to you. There are people who’re part of you.

And it’s not just in family. I seem to be leading somebody else’s life all the time. At times I feel it’s better that ways. Coz if given a chance to live my own life, I’d make nothing of it. Today, if you find me reading a book, that’s not me. If you see me watching a movie that won at the Oscars for best editing, that’s not me. If you see me plan my day systematically, hell that’s not me! But I do all of these. However, it’s not what I’d do in “my” life!

Know what I’d do? Sleep. Eat. Chat. Roam around. Watch TV. Talk on phone. And definitely, dream! And that’s when I wonder. When my life’s in real so unproductive, isn’t it better I lead the one someone else asks me to? Of course not forced upon me. I draw inspirations. It feels good when I know I'm doing something constructive. When people whom I look up to make me part of their discussions. Like I’m one among them. Like I’m important. LOL.

And I do so, because I know that otherwise my life aint something you would like to follow. I do nothing that can inspire. That makes you look up to me. But I look up to so many. And I try to do what they do. Like I’m answerable to them.

Aint that good? Or do I just live my life the way I want to. Doing what I feel like? Who knows I may just end up doing something that surprises me myself. And I’d proudly say it’s what I wanted to do and what I love to do. And then I can stop being somebody else?

Still confused.