To forgive, or not to forgive!

Scorpions, they say are those who never forgive an enemy and never forget a kindness. Of the latter, I’m sure. But of the former, umm..! I really haven’t had many such experiences where I’ve had to hate somebody. Oh yea, for a moment or a day, I’ve had the urge to kill people. Am sure most of us have. But beyond that, it’s never gone to the extent of hatred.

Now if you mean just not forgetting a bad action, it could be true. Because, I still remember my sister eating the last chocolate I had saved for a week. My class teacher’s sarcastic remark on how well I did in the exam. And Chutki’s comment on my oily hair. If that’s called not forgiving, then am a witch. I remember very clearly each and every instance where I was hurt. By something. Or someone.

As I entered adolescence, the number of occasions where I was so hurt that I almost hated myself, started increasing. Right from the remark from my peers on how short I was. To the false assurance that a secret was just forgotten to share and not intentional. Eveything stayed right there in my mind. Not to treat those who said it with contempt. But only to think about it and feel bad later on.

Quite unusually, I would act very normal to the person who hurt me without giving them the slightest hint of how much they hurt me. It continues to be that way. I forgive. But never forget. At times I wonder why I forgive so soon. So easily. There were instances where I’ve wished to go back in time and screw someone’s happiness for hurting me. And that feeling entered me in the past few years, and is getting stronger with time.

Perhaps because I’ve been taken too much for granted of late. Because I never fight back. Or question back. I always take the blame on my head and forgive the one who’s actually at fault. I keep telling myself, that it is a result of plain misunderstanding. Moreover, I believe that words or actions that have caused pain cannot be taken back. And so what’s the point in talking about what’s happened.

The fear of losing a friend also prompts me from not taking the issue forward. Because I know, that bringing up the topic may lead from discussion to debate. And I, at such junctures, prefer keeping conversations short. So I keep my distance. Try not to talk too often. Because when I do, I can’t help but act normal and forget everything. And honestly, I don’t want to. I’m just forced to.

I really hope, one day I can turn back at all those who’ve hurt me and give them a piece of my mind. If there’s anyone who wants to join me in the mission, welcome! Until then, I’ll carry on being a partial Scorpion. Dreaming of a metamorphosis that’ll help me develop ito a full-fledged one. One, that stings!

Controlled Luck!

Fingers crossed.

How true is it, that if you really want to fulfill your personal desire, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen? Coz, if it’s so, then there’s something that I desire for, at the moment. Something that I’ve been strongly wishing for, for the past 3 years. Something that’s been my strongest desire in my life until now. And I want to know, if the whole world is conspiring at all.

This philosophy, which I came across in the Alchemist (one of the many books, which I havent managed to complete so far), has got me thinking. And at times, it makes me believe in it. The way my life’s moving and things are happening, I have no choice but to believe in it. I’ve tried all that I can, to give up on my wish. My desire. Knowing I’m asking for too much. Forcing myself to believe that it ain’t gonna work. But something or the other happens, and voila! Am back to square one. Just not able to let my dream go. Yearning for it to happen.

I have no choice but to believe, that the world does seem to be conspiring. Because, why else would I find myself in a dilemma, every time I let it go? And then on cloud 9, every time it’s back with me? Why does all this force me to believe that it means something. That probably it’s meant to be. And how I love to believe it does! Coz I strongly feel so!

There’s nothing about it that tells me to think twice. Or to move on. But almost everyting about it asks me to just hang on. Hold on for a while. Like everything’s soon gonna fall in place. Everything’s happening for the good. Something keeps telling me not to stop trying. The further I try moving away from my desire, the more I’m being pulled back to it. And that’s when I decide to give in. And to let the best happen. Coz I know, that what I wish for, is true. And hope, that when I wish from the bottom of your heart, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen.

Fingers crossed.

Keep Walking!

There was a time when I thought being in school and studying Math and Science took away all the fun that ought to be there in my life. I still believe so to a certain extent. If not for those nerve wrecking exams, I would have spent all my childhood watching TV, playing hide and seek or just sleep. Life would have been so beautiful then. I would look at how the baby next door gazed at blank spaces and laughed and envied her and her freedom! Lucky she! I would say. No exams, no books no nothing. She’s always carried around by someone. She cries when hungry and there’s food. Cries when sleepy and someone’s singing and putting her to sleep. Not fair!

And then the exams just pass by, (pun unintended) and you think that’s the end of all your sorrows in life. A new ray of light has touched you and life is at its best for the next two months! And then, there you are back at your desk. Cursing your fate all over again. And in between all this, your parents walk behind you telling you how important it is for you to study and why fun needs to take a back seat. Oh c’mon! What do they know about the trauma you are going through!

You crib, cry, sulk and finally fly out of the so called prison into a whole new world called college. Life suddenly looks so different. No hard rules. No dress codes. It’s freedom all the way! But prick! Just when you began smiling in your dreams, there comes the most painful part of your life (again). The guy for whom you waited ALL your life. (No matter how many came into your life during that wait) You think God sent him down only so that he meets you, falls in love with and gets married to you. Of course buying expensive gifts come along. And just when you thought he is THE MAN (after rahul, sameer, naveen and Karthik) he tells your best friend how beautiful she looks! Life can be so unfair!

And after living through another traumatic phase of your life, you enter the corporate world. You become financially independent. Life now moves the way you want it to. You take your own decisions. Life isn’t so bad after all. Well, it wouldn’t have been. If not for the nasty, nagging, selfish tyrant called Boss! He knows exactly how to make life miserable. Work loads, deadlines, nightmares! Life’s nothing but a series of failures!

And the saga continues. At every stage of life, you come face to face with a problem which forces you to see the world coming to an end. When you feel so, it helps when you pause a while, turn back and count the number of times you’ve moved on. Or rather life’s moved on. Like my friend says, if you solved equations at the age of 12, meeting deadlines at 25 is no big deal.

Hello?

Imagine yourself in this situation. You are at a meeting, which decides what needs to be done to save the company from closing down. Grim faces. Dark lines on the forehead. And just the sound of one deep breath. And there goes "Arrey babua, uthana hi nahi tha, tho khareeda kyu??" (If you had no intentions of picking it up, then why did you buy it?) All eyes on you! And yours, wide open like never before! You hurry towards your pocket, grab your cell out and with a lot of difficulty, cut the call!

Déjà vu? You feel like digging a hole for yourself right below your feet, squeezing yourself in, and covering it up! But come what may, changing your ringer music is out of question. Because, on a different occasion, you would have been the centre of attraction if your cell rang. Is that the reason why ringer tunes are such a huge business these days? Every body has at least a couple of funny, foot tapping numbers on their cell as their ring tones. And current models also give you the option of choosing any song as your tone. I've got a Chinese song as mine.

So, what exactly is the need of a musical ring tone? I guess it's gone far beyond just another interesting way to ring. Well, if that's so, why do people take the effort to change their tones from time to time? I see it this way. Ringtones have hugely become a tool to attract attention. The faster and peppier the music, the more number of heads turn towards you. And wow! What a feel that is! Well, provided you're in a coffee shop or party and not at a meeting. And then, with a smirk, you go on to answer your call. (Well, after the phone rings sufficiently enough for everyone to hear though.) And unless the song doesn't have the catchy music right in the beginning, the very purpose of it goes down in the drain. You'll have to wait for it to ring till the foot tapping music begins. And by then, it's time for the call to end. On another note, people keep ring tones to differentiate callers. Romantic songs for the loved one, barking dogs for the not so loved ones etc etc. Helps you decide whether to pick up the call or not, before the caller id helps you.

There was a time when I set tones, because I liked the song. It has, at several instances, managed to lift me from the dumps. Every time my phone rang, it would bring a smile on my face and I would hum along for a while and also spread the feel to people around. But not for long. Soon, listening to the same song day after day, hour after hour or even minute after minute got boring. Ajeeb Dastan Hai Yeh was one of my favourites. And so, set it as my ringer tone. In no time, I began developing revulsion towards it. Largely because, I got to hear only half the song. And so, changed it to my next favourite. Wonder for how long.

If the only purpose of a ring tone was alerting you on a call, then there's nothing better than the conventional trring trring. Or maybe interesting versions of it. All said and done, I would still continue setting Shakira or Abba as my tone. And change it maybe after a couple of weeks. You may ask if it's for heads to turn, I would say yes. Musical ring tones are after all for the people around. Music always spreads joy. And so does it, through ringtones. Otherwise, if it were for you, how many times would you laugh at your own funny tone? Or sing along with your own favourite song? And if you were so in love with that tone, why would you want to cut it half way through?

Destiny awaited!

Back! Yeah! And hopefully, this time I won't have to delete the post half way. Well, if you get
to read this post, then consider yourself lucky. Coz I've been suffering from a huge "not in a
mood to write" syndrome. And trust me, I even thought it had no cure. Coz everytime I would start writing something, two sentences - and there goes my finger to the delete button! I dunno how I managed to do so! And I almost thought that my blog was taking its final breaths. All those debates, comments, questions. Everything seemed to be coming to an end. And that's when I heard about the "writer's block"!

Block as in road block, nose block etc. And not apartment block or building blocks. (Looks like I'm definitly gonna take time recovering!) Anyways. So, when this someone asked me if I were suffering from a writer's block, I saw no reason to say no. Because I knew I wanted to write on a whole lot of things, but the minute I opened my blog and began to type, words kinda got stuck. Nothing happened. And all I coud do was close the browser and sulk!

And as a writer by profession, this was the last thing that I wanted to happen to me. Not knowing what to write! Or even worse, not able to write. A whole lot of things haunted me in the past few weeks. Nothing seemed to be going right. And how I wished to write about it. But I would either stop myself coz I didn't want my state of mind to reflect on my blog or I would just not be in a mood to write.

In fact, the very reason I starting blogging was to find answers to several questions. When I was confused. Didn't know whether what I did was right or wrong. Or what next I should do. And that being the case, the past weeks were when I should have written the most. But then, writing them down and trying to find answers seemed impossible. Because I had to believe that some questions have no answers after all. If they are bound to happen they will.

Destiny. Something that's pre-written. Something I strongly believe in. And if my destiny meant all that's been happening, then so be it. I'm no one to change anyting. And it seemed like destiny ruled so hard that I wasn't even sure of what to write. I left everyting to my fate. Writing it down didn't seem to help. Answers didn't seem right. Decisions no more depended on them. I just followed destiny wherever it went. And deciding to write again just happened on the way.

And now as I write this, I still wonder what my destiny awaits me with. Where it is headed towards. And what it has in store for me. Do I just sit and wait? Or do I have to do something? But again, if it's pre-written, what really can I do? I can't change it? Can I?