Future is now?

I don’t even know if can call this weird. Whatever’s been happening to me. One moment I’m all happy and looking forward to life and the other I really don’t know where it’s heading to or what I should expect. It’s been a long year. Yeah. Take it from the time I moved to Chennai. Actually long before that. But for now, let’s rewind only till we can remember.

Whew! What a year. Hell a lot of stuff happened in the past few months. From new hopes, new beginnings, new people, old stories, old feelings to a mix of everything. It’s been quite a ride. And as I come to close to completing one year, everything, one by one is becoming history. Making way for something new to unfold.

Change is imminent for sure! The days to come are gonna be so crucial, I can’t even explain. Life’s gonna change. Lives are gonna change. Times will change. I may change. For the good or worse, nobody knows!

It’s there right in front of me and I can see life taking a new turn. I’m counting days. And I think I can see very clearly what future awaits me with. It’s with fear that I’m treading the path towards a new tomorrow. It’s with anxiety that I wake up every morning.

There’s a plan for sure. For all that’s happening. And everything seems to be moving as per “the” plan. Set by whom? Dunno. But have to say, he/ she is great at his/her job! What it leaves me with, time can only say. Whether it works for me, fate will have to answer.

For now, I’m counting days. Trying to count my blessings. Crossing my fingers. Biting each and every nail. (Nothing left anymore) And trying to walk up straight with the really heavy load in my heart. Hoping, wishing, and waiting for things to be fine.

Weight Laws!

I badly want to lose weight. But not so badly that I’ll wake up at 6 am to go gymming. Or not so badly that I can give up on good food. But I have to lose weight like badly! Ok, now don’t give me that look. I’ve got enough of those and even more from people who'e heard my fundas about the whole thing.

The very first time I consciously got into a weight loss programme was four years back. I remember walking into a gym and watching people work out like there was an invasion expected and people who were fat would be beheaded. So much involvement, so much dedication.

I looked at them and then at myself. And in a day I was there too. Working out equally hard! Believe it or not, I would wake up early morning and drag myself to the gym and work out for 2 straight long hours! I was so proud of myself. I loved it when people looked at me the same way I looked at some others a few weeks back!

It went on for nearly 6 months. At the end of which, I was beginning to get used to people's comments. “You’ve lost weight”, “Hey what have you been doing?” And I would just shrug and say, “Nothing. I just workout a lil bit.” Yeah right! And once I was done with all the praises and feeling good, I was soon back to my old self. Over confidence I guess – that "Oh It just takes a few visits to the gym to get rid of that!" feeling. The few visits however never happened.

I tried hard to keep my eyes open and get myself on the treadmill. But the josh was no longer there! I felt too heavy in my head (Pun intended, Of course) to keep it going.

The following weeks and months saw various new ways to lose weight take shape! The GM diet, skipping, crunches (the max I did were 15?). Finally one worked! The no rice and a lot of veggies diet!

Man! Did it work wonders! I slept as much as I wished! Ate all the food I liked. And still managed to shrink. All I did was replace my lunch with veggies and give up on rice completely (2-3 spoons not counted)!

I remember the looks I got when I told people the way my diet worked! Comments like, “That’s not how it works”, “You’ll only fall sick.” Or just a mere shake of the head (Mallu style) meaning ya right, came in abundance!

The winner was, “Nothing’s going to happen. Wait and watch! You’ll remain the way you are!” I found myself searching for a vase then!

I know it’s hard to believe that you get to eat what you like and still lose weight. The lunch was all that I gave up. And that too not completely. I did gorge on rotis sometimes. Soups and fruit juices kept me going.

But the best part of all this was I could look forward to dinner! That was when I would pamper my taste buds by treating it to some yummy stuff I could bite into! And when it worked, it was once again compliment time! Oh, how I loved it when I shared the secret with those “wise” ones!

Then soon, Chennai happened. Away from home, left with no choice. I either had to cook my own food or eat what I got. Make a wild guess what I chose! I began eating anything and everything I got my hands on. With a heavy heart and (most often a heavy stomach) I saw them come back! All the fat that I got rid of with the rice was making its presence felt once again.

And now, as I write this, I wonder what I should have for dinner. The no rice diet has struck and eyebrows are raised again. But it doesn’t look like I’ll stick by it this time. For once, I’ll let the wise ones be. So much for the two divine creations called food and sleep!

Some songs, sometimes make so much sense. Like they were written for you.

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was thereWill be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be

Hope!

The other day, I met an old friend. She had recently broken up with the man she loved for 4 years and still loves. Why they broke up? Family pressures. I know. It’s weird that even today such problems exist. That a girl or a guy has to wait, look both sides, and only then proceed or just retreat.

Their love was one of those beautiful stories one would like to hear. One that made people believe that they were newly in love every time they saw them. Long distance, late nights, early mornings. Love for them, saw no barrier. Not once, have I heard either of them complain about the other. Crib about what she had done or he had not done.

She once told me that with him, love had just one meaning. And that was being happy. Tears did make friendly appearances. But only at the thought of losing him. And that haunted her quite often. Little did she know that it was bound to happen one day.

Seeing her in the state she was, I began wondering how unfair the world is. Where she has to see the guy she loves so dearly walk away with another woman. And he has to see some other guy fulfill the promises he made to her someday. Helplessness. Frustration. And above all, the love that’s still alive within them made life miserable!

And what can anyone do anything now? It’s a whole lot of new people involved. But I know for one, the love she has for her guy is beyond comparison. No matter what the world tells her or shows her, she would stick by her choice. Although she feels and is forced to believe that he has moved on. And she knows it’s too late to catch up, leaning back and watching the show is not what she wants to do.

She’s sure of her love. Sure that there’s none other in the world who’d love him as dearly as she does. And that’s what keeps her going. And she wishes he understands it someday. She knows he does still. But is forced to turn a blind eye. She hopes that one day he’ll choose to see. Only what he wants to. And not what the world wants him to.

5Ws and one H!

I’ve been in a mood to write for so long now! But, I haven’t so far, coz I’ve always felt that I won’t be doing justice to my feelings. The anger, frustration, confusion and restlessness that’s been in my mind won’t be reflected enough in what I write. And so I’ve just kept them within myself. Letting them fight with each other. Knowing that it’ll go on. But I was sure that some day, I’ll be forced to write.

And today is the day. When I’m writing with no choice left. How I wish I knew what else can be done. I know it’s just a phase and that I’ll be fine soon. But how soon? I’ve never been patient. And I’ve been trying hard for the past few months. It has definitely helped me a lot. But it’s not anymore. At least not now. All I can think of now, is to scream, yell and ask life, what the hell do you think of yourself? It’s just momentary. I don’t feel this way always. And honestly, I have no hard feelings towards my life at all.

I’m still happy and thankful about a lot of stuff. I’m being very optimistic about whatever’s in store for me. But there are times when I feel like questioning life and doing all that I’ve mentioned above. Am sure everyone feels that way at some point or the other. I’m doing everything possible not to let these feelings ruin my life. Coz if I do, then I’ll be in a bigger mess. Right now, I have this broad smile on my face and am greeting life everyday with it. I sulk, crib whatever, within myself or very rarely.

I’m already feeling better. I’m beginning to think what I was so mad about. (LOL). I know and have always known it’s nothing serious. Perhaps why, I’ve not blown my top off yet. It’s been stuff I can handle. But yea, the mixed feelings have always been there. I get mad at people; I feel like crying sometimes, wondered what the hell? But never got an answer! Probably that just means, shut up and wait! Perhaps I need a knock on my head. On second thoughts, got enough of those too. But never understood for what.

Is it really just me? I may be dumb, yea mebbe. Which is why I have the same questions pondering over me time and again. If not, I should have found answers long back to questions that keep popping up! I don’t mind moving on. I can. But not just by telling myself “Aah, leave it!” or “No point thinking.” or “You’re just over reacting.” Mebbe I don’t wanna forget. Or mebbe I do. But not just like that. Mebbe I want to tackle it, find answers and then forget, but I don’t know how to and what. And that’s what’s bothering me.