On the fence

‘So you love her?’ She asked. Her eyes yearning for a no. Her lips trembling with doubt. He nodded. ‘Yes.’ She noticed an uncertainity as the word fell. But his eyes were fixed as he looked ahead. Dodging a car that honked past. ‘I think I do’. He said. With his chin up this time, as if battling her doubtful eyes.

It flashed across her mind the whole night. The talk they had on their way back home. She smiled when she thought about him. She loved every moment she spent with him. But she also knew what she wished she didn't. That she wasn’t as important to him, as he was to her.

His world was very different from hers. He was nothing that she saw in her man. He was selfish. He could be mean. He laughed at her. And he really didn’t care. But he was different. That, she knew. She liked him, she as sure.

There was something, however, she didn’t know. And that kept her awake on various nights. She wondered what she meant to him. She feared if she’d be misunderstood. Perhaps it never ran through his mind. And she hated herself for feeling this way.

And that night after what he said, she felt distressed and anxious. Was he being true? Or did he lie? So that she’d cease the hope in her?

Dream. Smile. Live.

We’ve all been given two options. To be happy or not be happy. And everything depends on the choice we make. I chose to be happy. I chose to leave behind all that’s happened and to look forward to what’s in store for me with a wide smile. And I’m happy that I chose to be happy. :)

I mean, think about it. If life so far hasn’t been so good, there’s nothing much you can do about it now. But know what the best part is? That you have no clue what’s in store for you. And you have all the freedom to dream. And wait for the best. You can dream of a trip you might make, the man you may fall in love with, or a job that’ll give you all that you’ve always wished for. It’s a beautiful feeling. Reason why you’ll find me dreaming most of the time. :)

There could be another way of looking at it too. Think about what’s going to happen, fret, crib and spoil your present. Am sure most of us do that. I do it at times too. And that’s when I wonder why we think so much about something’s that’s yet to happen. Something that may never happen. Why waste time on it when you have complete control over your thoughts?

If it’s because it helps you prepare for the worst, I don’t think it’s worth it. Because honestly, nothing’s in our hands. No matter how hard you think or plan or whatever, life takes its own course. So it’s best to live the moment and dream of the future. :)

Nothing can be bad forever. Things got to change. And after all, hope is what keeps all of us alive, right? So smile. Life’s beautiful when you smile. :)

Future is now?

I don’t even know if can call this weird. Whatever’s been happening to me. One moment I’m all happy and looking forward to life and the other I really don’t know where it’s heading to or what I should expect. It’s been a long year. Yeah. Take it from the time I moved to Chennai. Actually long before that. But for now, let’s rewind only till we can remember.

Whew! What a year. Hell a lot of stuff happened in the past few months. From new hopes, new beginnings, new people, old stories, old feelings to a mix of everything. It’s been quite a ride. And as I come to close to completing one year, everything, one by one is becoming history. Making way for something new to unfold.

Change is imminent for sure! The days to come are gonna be so crucial, I can’t even explain. Life’s gonna change. Lives are gonna change. Times will change. I may change. For the good or worse, nobody knows!

It’s there right in front of me and I can see life taking a new turn. I’m counting days. And I think I can see very clearly what future awaits me with. It’s with fear that I’m treading the path towards a new tomorrow. It’s with anxiety that I wake up every morning.

There’s a plan for sure. For all that’s happening. And everything seems to be moving as per “the” plan. Set by whom? Dunno. But have to say, he/ she is great at his/her job! What it leaves me with, time can only say. Whether it works for me, fate will have to answer.

For now, I’m counting days. Trying to count my blessings. Crossing my fingers. Biting each and every nail. (Nothing left anymore) And trying to walk up straight with the really heavy load in my heart. Hoping, wishing, and waiting for things to be fine.

Weight Laws!

I badly want to lose weight. But not so badly that I’ll wake up at 6 am to go gymming. Or not so badly that I can give up on good food. But I have to lose weight like badly! Ok, now don’t give me that look. I’ve got enough of those and even more from people who'e heard my fundas about the whole thing.

The very first time I consciously got into a weight loss programme was four years back. I remember walking into a gym and watching people work out like there was an invasion expected and people who were fat would be beheaded. So much involvement, so much dedication.

I looked at them and then at myself. And in a day I was there too. Working out equally hard! Believe it or not, I would wake up early morning and drag myself to the gym and work out for 2 straight long hours! I was so proud of myself. I loved it when people looked at me the same way I looked at some others a few weeks back!

It went on for nearly 6 months. At the end of which, I was beginning to get used to people's comments. “You’ve lost weight”, “Hey what have you been doing?” And I would just shrug and say, “Nothing. I just workout a lil bit.” Yeah right! And once I was done with all the praises and feeling good, I was soon back to my old self. Over confidence I guess – that "Oh It just takes a few visits to the gym to get rid of that!" feeling. The few visits however never happened.

I tried hard to keep my eyes open and get myself on the treadmill. But the josh was no longer there! I felt too heavy in my head (Pun intended, Of course) to keep it going.

The following weeks and months saw various new ways to lose weight take shape! The GM diet, skipping, crunches (the max I did were 15?). Finally one worked! The no rice and a lot of veggies diet!

Man! Did it work wonders! I slept as much as I wished! Ate all the food I liked. And still managed to shrink. All I did was replace my lunch with veggies and give up on rice completely (2-3 spoons not counted)!

I remember the looks I got when I told people the way my diet worked! Comments like, “That’s not how it works”, “You’ll only fall sick.” Or just a mere shake of the head (Mallu style) meaning ya right, came in abundance!

The winner was, “Nothing’s going to happen. Wait and watch! You’ll remain the way you are!” I found myself searching for a vase then!

I know it’s hard to believe that you get to eat what you like and still lose weight. The lunch was all that I gave up. And that too not completely. I did gorge on rotis sometimes. Soups and fruit juices kept me going.

But the best part of all this was I could look forward to dinner! That was when I would pamper my taste buds by treating it to some yummy stuff I could bite into! And when it worked, it was once again compliment time! Oh, how I loved it when I shared the secret with those “wise” ones!

Then soon, Chennai happened. Away from home, left with no choice. I either had to cook my own food or eat what I got. Make a wild guess what I chose! I began eating anything and everything I got my hands on. With a heavy heart and (most often a heavy stomach) I saw them come back! All the fat that I got rid of with the rice was making its presence felt once again.

And now, as I write this, I wonder what I should have for dinner. The no rice diet has struck and eyebrows are raised again. But it doesn’t look like I’ll stick by it this time. For once, I’ll let the wise ones be. So much for the two divine creations called food and sleep!

Some songs, sometimes make so much sense. Like they were written for you.

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was thereWill be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be