AUTOmatic response!

Left work early today. Acha had a rotary meeting to attend and so I had to find my own means of transport. I was pretty apprehensive about that, coz acha said there's a huge block on MG Road and Chittoor road. And the attitude of cochin auto waalas are unbearable at times!! They just need to hear the word "blo" somewhere, and they decide not to budge from where they stand.

However, hoping for the best, I walked towards the main road trying to pataaofy some auto guys using my charm. ;) Everything was a mess. Slushy roads, my any minute breakable chappals and the long and loose salwars that loved taking a dip into the puddles! Yuck!

Me with a stern look, stood by the road, waiting for an empty auto. At times, u feel like a total waste standing there when the auto guys dont even give you a look and just speed off. And all that attitude you wore on your face all that while just vanishes!

I got empathising looks from people who passed by. Perhaps they wondered how no autos could slow down by a pretty young girl like me. ;) Yeah! None of the autos which stooped were willing to take me where I wanted to go either. " Ayyo bhayanagara blockaa" ( there's a huge block) I tried my best to convince him how badly I needed to get home. Like he bothered!

So I spent a good half hour standing there watching autos pass by, dodging in between to avoid water splashes. (That's the last thing I wanted) and mumbling to myself about how unfortunate my bad luck was!

And finally it dawned to me that there were other means of transport too. Like the bus! And so I walked towards to bust stop. Within no time, I wus inside the bus. Comfortably seated by the window and letting the cool winds caress my face. (Suddenly, the rains looked so beautiful).

Soon I reached my destination. And just to add to everything, I realised that I hadnt carried my umbrella! So there I was, covering my head with my palm ( I still wonder y people do that. It hardly helps) and running towards the auto stand. All drenched by now. Thankfully!! I found an auto, and the driver with a pleasant smile, let me in and agreed to drop me at my place.

And just as he took a U turn towards my house, I caught a glance of a family standing by the road. They looked at me and I knew exactly what they thought. :) "Lucky her!" I truly wished they didn't have to stand there for long and hoped that they got an auto who understood that no matter how bad a block is, it's just the matter of time. And as long as there's an engine running and tyres moving, they'll get out of it.

Or does it mean that if there's a block somewhere, anyone who needs to go towards that direction has to cancel his plans?

Weird!

A new blog has come!

Now dats more like it. Blogging's getting interesting now. Thanks Ooomz!!! :) I'll have more stuff posted now. Not just cribbings.

Hey! Dats wut I though blogging was all bout! Just realsied I wus wrong..wut wud I do if not fur u Ooomz! ;)

So, what’s wrong?

When you’ve finally decided what you want to do, something around you stops you from doing it. And then you start thinking if you took the right decision. And by then it’s too late to go back and change it. So then what do you do? Stick to it and face things as they come? Or sit and think of an alternative that never exists? Either ways, it doesn’t help. So all you can do is stop thinking about it.

But what happens when you just can’t let go off whatever lead to the decision? It follows you wherever you go? Just when you’re still thinking of whatever happened. You’re still wondering if what happened was right. That’s not all. There comes a point when I even wonder what came first. The chicken or the egg. Is my present situation a result of my decision? Or is my decision a result of my present situation? Confusing, either ways.

It’s like this. Before I reached this point in time, I almost dreaded it. Wished it never came. But then when it did, I almost didn’t even realize it. Did my destiny prepare me for it? Perhaps yes. Coz, I’ve gone through this several times before. And every time it happened, I’ve lost it. So then again, why not this time? What makes it so different now? It’s got to be the numbness that’s got on to me. I’ve acquired from somewhere the power of immunity. And lost the cells of sensitivity.

Just when you learn to take the pain and move on, something even worse begins to trouble you. Questions from everywhere begin to taunt you. How the hell did you manage to take it so well? Are you not upset at all? Was it so easy after all? Then, what did all that happen in past years mean after all? Whew! Crying over spilt milk is what’s expected out of you. If you thought getting yourself another bowl, and not worrying abut what happened was a sensible move, then you’re wrong.

Coz that shows how much that bowl mattered to you after all. It’s not just what the world tells you. It’s what you begin asking yourself after a while. You know the answer. But it makes no difference. And the funny thing is you don’t know what’s wrong and right till you surrender to your conscience. One that tells you you’re wrong all the time. And when you finally listen to it, and do what it says, you confirm once again with experience that you’ve always been right. You win. And you conscience loses. But if your conscience wins, then lucky you! But that’s just 10 % of the case.

So again, you get back to war. With something deep in your heart telling you, you can’t be wrong. And just keep fighting. Hoping that someday you can tell yourself, that although you weren’t always right. You weren't always wrong either.

Getting worked up

So, like always, here I am sitting and brooding. Well, probably there is a reason after all. Or perhaps not. But who cares? As long as I am, I am. Whether there’s reason or not. Ok, so moving ahead, all that matters now is, finding a way out of this state of mine. Only to come back very soon of course.

These are one of those times, when I feel I’m lost and don’t know where to go. Happens mostly when I don’t know whether what I’m doing is right or wrong. Exactly the way I feel at the moment. I’m totally confused as to what to do. What to think. And what to say.

I don’t say there’s no mistake of mine in what happened today. But I also wouldn’t want to think, that I have a major role to play in whatever happened. That’s where I loose track. All I have to say is, I too wish to become something in life. Now I don’t know if there’s a particular way to do it. But I don’t think I’m doing absolutely nothing about it either.

Ok, now before the confused me starts speaking more, let me think clear. I wish I could get a name for myself in this world. And I feel, I can. And I think that, I’m doing what I can. Probably different from how many others would, but at least I am.

But no matter what I do, all I end up feeling is that I’m at the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Probably it was by mistake that I ended up doing what I am. So, that means that no matter how hard I try, I can’t. Because I’m not supposed to.

And when someone asked me why I felt that way, All I could say was I see no reason why I should continue doing what I am. Probably I just feel, I’m doing all that I can. Perhaps I’m not, and it’s just complacence that’s speaking. But I would definitely not like to believe so.

Often the fear that I can’t do well, stops me from doing well. The feeling that I don’t know where I am going lets me be happy with whatever little I do. And I end up telling myself, that’ll do. Which I don’t do very often. When I do a work, I ( quite surprisingly ) don’t like to be let to myself. Would rather prefer, someone showing some interest in what I plan to do. And when I don’t see that happening, I lose all interest. Right or wrong? I don’t know.

I want to be given work, not because there’s no one else to do it. Not because, I’ll be learning. But because Im considered capable of doing it. I don’t think Im asking for too much. Yeah perhaps a little early. Perhaps I really need to learn. Perhaps I really can’t complain. But I can’t stop being concerned either.

I know it’ll take time. But I also wonder whether it ever will. I wonder when I will know whether it will. I still wonder.

An Evening To Remember

Like any other reunion, this one was really special too. Though attended by just 6 of us, we brought alive the memories of an entire class of 40. Reliving each moment, each study hour and each leisure period. We sang the songs, once sung for class Antaksharis. Laughed at the goof ups made for class competitions. And teased someone for being the teacher’s pet. In short, it was an evening filled with laughter. When we laughed for funny reasons. Sometimes for no reason at all.

Well, I guess that’s the beauty of togetherness. When you need no reason to be happy. You’re happy just because you’re together. In the company of those whom you love. Adore. Or those who make you feel comfortable just like that. After spending a huge part of your life with someone, there ought to be a level of comfort with them. And amongst us, it was high up there. When you know that at the end of the day, come what may, they’re gonna be there for you.

5 was the time fixed. And like always, it was 6 by the time we were all there. I was the first one. Oh no. Actually it was Krishna. He was there, looking smart in a white shirt and a well done hairdo. Poor guy was there since 430. Not so bored though. Because Cocoa tree was filled with all tweety birds and tinkerbells. So the only problem he faced, was not knowing which direction to turn to. But soon entered the witch in the happy fairytale. Me, myself and all the bad luck for Poor Krishna!  I almost sprained my neck trying to look at him when he stood up. But he was sweet enough to bend down, share a hug and put me to ease.

So, there we were. He, already nibbling on a ham sandwich and a weird looking green drink. And me, trying to make conversation (It was our first “date” after weeks of long chat) and helping him with the sandwich. Assuming he was struggling with it. ;) And always ready to help with food!

It was not long, and there came in the most popular guy (as I would like to believe) in school. Rajesh. In a pleasant yellow Kurta. And his cool dude looks. No matter how hard he tries to put on that “I’m a dude, U” look, he’s always gonna be the guy who tired to impress the girls with his funny actions and witty words in lower primary school. Can’t stop smiling thinking of those days. 

We continued the chat, and soon were joined by the husband and wife couple Mr. and Mrs. Praveen. A man of few words, Praveen and I have shared very little in the past 20 years. Yeah! Despite me being a chatterbox. I always respected his silence. And never wished to gatecrash. But that evening, it was different. I spoke to him, perhaps, like I never did. And what he said made so much sense. For the first time I regretted not speaking to him all these years. But it’s till not too late I guess. What say Praveen? 

And then came the show catcher. The one and only. Stany. A guy who can get you rolling on the floor laughing, make you stand up, dust your clothes and wonder, “So what was so funny after all?” And before you get the answer, you’ll find yourself on the floor again. That’s him. I still can’t figure out if it’s his style, or his jokes that’s funnier. But all said and done its great having him
around. All you need to do is, think twice before you say anything. Coz he’s someone who can make a joke out of all that you say. And take my word; you’ll be surprised to see the way he does it.

So there we were. Six of us. Giggling for nothing. Placing orders for all strange sounding and weird looking things on the menu. Clicking snaps. And having a jolly good time. 

A few hours there and we decide to try out some other place. There was a long debate on where to go next. Breadworld. Varkeys. Barrista. Whew. And finally who won? Any doubts? Yours truly after all! ;) So we all headed towards Marine Drive. Me on Rajesh’s Charizma, (Stany claims that the bike had its front wheel on air coz I sat at the back –FUNNY EH?)Krishna with Stany on his bike and the couple, in a rick.

Bay pride mall was crowded. So we made ourselves comfortable on the benches outside, by the backwaters. Munching on corn.  Yummy! (But eating my head! Ugh! ;) )Slowly we moved on to the floating restaurant. A beautiful place to be. Some of us even wished we were with our loved ones on the rooftop, under the starlit sky with the cool winds blowing.  Truly romantic.

Soon it was time for us to take leave. And that’s when it struck us that, we hadn’t ordered anything. Now how to leave without having anything was the question. So it was decided to settle on fruit juice.  And there, the table was set. With coloured glasses. Orange, “green” (again), Yellow. Any guesses whose the green one was? Obviously, Krishna’s! Dunno why he has this thing with greens! But it tasted good. Cucumber juice. Something new to all of us.

And so like that, we could finally walk out with our heads up. And take with us memories of a great evening. Along with some undying memories. For a lifetime. And no matter what our life has in store for each one of us, we are sure that some things are definitely not going to change. No matter in which corner of the world we are, the relationship we share will bring us together some day. Either in a coffee shop or on a roof top.

Cheers guys! To an eternal friendship!