The Reason.

All way long you thought there’s a light at the end of that tunnel. You spoke to yourself. Wrote blogs about it. Facebooked it. Gtalked. Told your best girl friend that things are going to be fine with her, when secretly you knew it’s something you need to tell yourself. Everything­­ had an answer, in your mind. But none of them seemed to translate into reality. And the tunnel, just didn’t seem to end.

You coined terms, found the inner meaning and even caught yourself floating in meditation. Every time you cried yourself to sleep, a new answer was revealed. And yet, the pain lurked. More questions arose. And the verdict found you guilty. Guilty of stepping into this mess. Self-respect was greek. And sensibility, latin.

What made you love yourself some day was soon becoming an obligation. A formality, that couldn’t be curbed. If the world wants you to play, you ought to be a sportsman. If your mind’s playing games, you have even better reason. Just do it.

Butterflies may go to sleep, dark corridors may get uncomfortable and the ‘moment’ may last for nothing longer than one. Yesterday becomes a mistake, togetherness a routine and love, nothing more than a slip of the tongue.

With reasons to justify every action, all that you’re left with is an undying feeling of disgust. The truth being, nothing remains worth an explanation. And till the day you find yourself again, you’re left to feel dense, idiotic and unpardonable.

Letter to God.

I tossed and I turned and then, like jack in the box, sprung up to action. It was decided. I had made up my mind. I was going to write a letter. To God.

Sounded weird to me too. But what the heck. If he’s too busy to listen to you or just too confused like Bruce in Bruce almighty, then as well find the next best bet. A letter. Written in my own curvy handwriting, signed by who else but me. He ought not to miss that one, I thought. Think about it. One day, you pass by your rusted old post box and ask yourself, hmm..so lets’ see what’s going on in there after all! You open it and voila! You find a letter. A handwritten, stamped, licked and pasted letter. What do you do? Option A: Say, oh jolly! There’s a letter in there. Shut the box and walk on or Option B: Say, oh jolly! There’s a letter in there. Take it out, eyebrows still raised, mouth still half open, walk to your door, get in, sit down and read it. Eyebrows and mouth still the same. Option 1 if you’re just too cold. Option 2 if you’re normal.

God’s a nice guy. He’s probably a lot more than normal. But he’s really nice. Really. Ya perhaps a little too busy these days listening to the news and shaking his head. Regretting Adam. And then Eve. And then the apple. And all of that. But he’s sure to walk by that letter box some day. And find my letter in there.

So I begin. Dear God. Will fish curry do for lunch? That was amma preparing her menu for the day. And making sure it had what I liked, in it. Moms can be weird, right? Anyways, I reply with a ho-hum and move on to my letter. Dear God, I’m sad and alone. Dad calling. My phone sings and beeps and vibrates altogether and I have no choice but answer.

Ya acha.

Hello molu. Your phone bill’s been pending for a while and so I paid it.

Thanks cha. Bye. Will pay you later.

Dear God, I continue, I’m sad and alone and have nothing in life to look forward to. I hate my life. Are you listening?

Phones should be banned. They just don’t leave you alone. Ugh! This time it’s Juhi. Must be some stupid Sardar joke of hers. I read her message. Babe! Pondi this weekend, the whole gang’s there. You game right?

I chose not to reply. I’m depressed and have work to finish.

Back to the letter. I find myself at loss of words. I’m stuck and I can’t seem to write anymore. But I’m depressed. I’m sad. Alone. I have so much to cry about. So much to complain about. Life’s so unfair. God needs to know that. I close my book, irritated, get on to my bed, and lie there thinking. Not before long, I’m asleep. Amma walks in, finds me sleeping and pulls over a blanket on me.

I guess God’s been talking and I haven’t been listening.

PS: I love you

Don’t take the rains for granted.

Watch her close. Touch a drop.

Smile at her. Blow a kiss.

Just because it rains, it doesn’t always pour.

She sings for you. She does a step.

And when she’s tired, she takes a break.

Never take the rain for granted.

She sends her people before she arrives.

Only so that you can give her your time.

And not just walk with your face turned.

Or lock yourself within your doors.

Go to her. Hug her for a while.

Tell her what she means to you. Only if you really do.

And then when she’s gone, you wouldn’t cry.

Coz you know she’ll be back soon. Some day.

PS: I love you.

There's Hope.

Hope is when you stare at the sun and imagine a drop of rain.

Hope is when you kiss a rose, with your eyes closed.

Hope is when you smile alone and say it’s fine.

Hope is when a love story makes you cry.

Hope is when you look in the mirror and say thank you.

Hope is when you part ways and look back one last time.

Hope is when you believe in coincidences.

Hope is when you search for a meaning.

Hope is when you look for answers.

Hope is when conversations don’t end.

Hope is when he calls you for nothing.

Hope is when there’s a long silence.

Hope is when you don’t want to give up.

Hope is when you want to move on.

Hope is when you write for him to read.

Hope is when you check your mail a thousand times.

Hope is when you find meaning in a forward he sent.

Hope is when you read between the lines.

Hope is when you think.

Hope is when you dream.

Hope is what makes you live.

When sari met panjo!

Not all people you meet form an integral part of your life. Especially when you meet hundreds of them and you’re the kinds who’d befriend them all. Some just stay. In a corner of your heart, but accessible whenever you need them.

Panjo aka Anjo Jose Kandathil, is one such friend I’ve made. Someone whom I couldn’t help noticing on my first day of work at Mudra Cochin. You’d know why, if you’ve seen him. His characteristic hairstyle, amongst others, makes him stand out from the rest. This guy went on to become my closest friend in Mudra Cochin. And one of the very few reasons I’m still here.

“Life’s good right?” That’s where it all started. On a Sunday afternoon, a window pops up on my laptop screen with these words written on it. I couldn’t help but smile and type back, “Oh yes, it is!” There. That’s all it took. What started as a gtalk conversation is today my daily dose of cheer and positive energy.

Surprising, that I’m writing this today, given the fact that our level of interaction during the first few days was nothing more than ‘hey, is the work done?’ He was just another client servicing guy any creative person would secretly detest. Briefs, deadlines, pressure. Nothing better described this breed. And he was one of them. Little did I know that this guy would end up being the one I’d discuss all my ideas with and have me ponder over his criticism. Hate to say this, but this guy makes sense. Most of the time.

And by that I don’t mean work alone. To him, no problem’s too big. And so to me, he was agony unc. I could talk to him for hours together, to finally hear a “ashey! athrey ulla?” or a “athinipentha”! And if he says this, be sure of a solution. If nothing else, he’d make sure he brings a smile on your face. Coz every conversation ends with, “you happy no?” Now, what more could you ask for?

How we became this close, nobody knows. Neither do I. All I know is that this guy’s today, a friend, a girlfriend, (how I love bitching to him) an uncle, a dad and sometimes even a grandfather to me! Try asking him questions that surround life and it’s weird ways, hows and whats, whys and why nots, Panjo has an answer for them all. I’ve got an answer every time I needed one.

He’s a find. A very rare one. Today, on his birthday I’d like to tell him this:

“Panjo, have lunch on time. Don’t make me call you for two hours every day and finally eat at 4 in the evening!

If somebody calls you, return the call. Don’t just say you were busy and forget about it.

When somebody calls out to you, respond. If you decide to meet someone at 4, meet them at 4.

If you think you’ll take half an hour, don’t tell them you’ll be there in ten minutes.

I’m not sure how many of those you’re going to remember, but these, you better.

You’re irreplaceable.

You’re my most favourite friend.

You have the sweetest way of saying “im sorry”

Switch to creative. U belong there!

Your films are going to have halls full!

You better be the way you are. Adorable!

Happy bday Panjo! You deserve nothing but the best.

Hugs!