Future is now?

I don’t even know if can call this weird. Whatever’s been happening to me. One moment I’m all happy and looking forward to life and the other I really don’t know where it’s heading to or what I should expect. It’s been a long year. Yeah. Take it from the time I moved to Chennai. Actually long before that. But for now, let’s rewind only till we can remember.

Whew! What a year. Hell a lot of stuff happened in the past few months. From new hopes, new beginnings, new people, old stories, old feelings to a mix of everything. It’s been quite a ride. And as I come to close to completing one year, everything, one by one is becoming history. Making way for something new to unfold.

Change is imminent for sure! The days to come are gonna be so crucial, I can’t even explain. Life’s gonna change. Lives are gonna change. Times will change. I may change. For the good or worse, nobody knows!

It’s there right in front of me and I can see life taking a new turn. I’m counting days. And I think I can see very clearly what future awaits me with. It’s with fear that I’m treading the path towards a new tomorrow. It’s with anxiety that I wake up every morning.

There’s a plan for sure. For all that’s happening. And everything seems to be moving as per “the” plan. Set by whom? Dunno. But have to say, he/ she is great at his/her job! What it leaves me with, time can only say. Whether it works for me, fate will have to answer.

For now, I’m counting days. Trying to count my blessings. Crossing my fingers. Biting each and every nail. (Nothing left anymore) And trying to walk up straight with the really heavy load in my heart. Hoping, wishing, and waiting for things to be fine.

Weight Laws!

I badly want to lose weight. But not so badly that I’ll wake up at 6 am to go gymming. Or not so badly that I can give up on good food. But I have to lose weight like badly! Ok, now don’t give me that look. I’ve got enough of those and even more from people who'e heard my fundas about the whole thing.

The very first time I consciously got into a weight loss programme was four years back. I remember walking into a gym and watching people work out like there was an invasion expected and people who were fat would be beheaded. So much involvement, so much dedication.

I looked at them and then at myself. And in a day I was there too. Working out equally hard! Believe it or not, I would wake up early morning and drag myself to the gym and work out for 2 straight long hours! I was so proud of myself. I loved it when people looked at me the same way I looked at some others a few weeks back!

It went on for nearly 6 months. At the end of which, I was beginning to get used to people's comments. “You’ve lost weight”, “Hey what have you been doing?” And I would just shrug and say, “Nothing. I just workout a lil bit.” Yeah right! And once I was done with all the praises and feeling good, I was soon back to my old self. Over confidence I guess – that "Oh It just takes a few visits to the gym to get rid of that!" feeling. The few visits however never happened.

I tried hard to keep my eyes open and get myself on the treadmill. But the josh was no longer there! I felt too heavy in my head (Pun intended, Of course) to keep it going.

The following weeks and months saw various new ways to lose weight take shape! The GM diet, skipping, crunches (the max I did were 15?). Finally one worked! The no rice and a lot of veggies diet!

Man! Did it work wonders! I slept as much as I wished! Ate all the food I liked. And still managed to shrink. All I did was replace my lunch with veggies and give up on rice completely (2-3 spoons not counted)!

I remember the looks I got when I told people the way my diet worked! Comments like, “That’s not how it works”, “You’ll only fall sick.” Or just a mere shake of the head (Mallu style) meaning ya right, came in abundance!

The winner was, “Nothing’s going to happen. Wait and watch! You’ll remain the way you are!” I found myself searching for a vase then!

I know it’s hard to believe that you get to eat what you like and still lose weight. The lunch was all that I gave up. And that too not completely. I did gorge on rotis sometimes. Soups and fruit juices kept me going.

But the best part of all this was I could look forward to dinner! That was when I would pamper my taste buds by treating it to some yummy stuff I could bite into! And when it worked, it was once again compliment time! Oh, how I loved it when I shared the secret with those “wise” ones!

Then soon, Chennai happened. Away from home, left with no choice. I either had to cook my own food or eat what I got. Make a wild guess what I chose! I began eating anything and everything I got my hands on. With a heavy heart and (most often a heavy stomach) I saw them come back! All the fat that I got rid of with the rice was making its presence felt once again.

And now, as I write this, I wonder what I should have for dinner. The no rice diet has struck and eyebrows are raised again. But it doesn’t look like I’ll stick by it this time. For once, I’ll let the wise ones be. So much for the two divine creations called food and sleep!

Who am I?

I’m 26. And I’m an independent woman. Or at least, I’d like to think so. Most women today would like to consider themselves independent at this age. Why women alone? Let’s talk about youth. Aren’t the youth today already free birds, say, at the age of 20? How many of you, below twenty, reading this would like to be told by Mummy what’s to be worn to college today? Some? A few? None?

Well, let me admit I’ve never felt the need to be independent until late. In fact, on the contrary, I always thought I was an independent kid. I was made to believe so. Coz my parents have been working right from when I was perhaps in Kindergarten. And it was no big deal then, or now. I was proud of the fact that my mommy’s working! Unlike other mommies. My sister and I were taught to unlock the door, once back from school, leave our shoes in its place, open the fridge, heat up whatever is there and wait like good girls for one of them to get back.

And while my sister would be busy reading something, I’d climb on to the gate skimpily clothed, LOL. (Hey now we’re talking bout a 5-year old here, mind you) and have my eyes fixed where the road takes a turn. Waiting for my mom to get back. Her eyes fill every time she recollects this.

And that went on. They are still working and we're proud about it. But after a while, when my life reached a juncture and I had to make decisions alone, lead a life of my own, I found myself in a dilemma. Unlike many, who’d wait for an opportunity to break-free and lead their own lives, I found it quite difficult. Now, that’s something I never anticipated.

I’ve reached a stage, where, I can do nothing that would in some way offend my parents. Consciously or unconsciously. I feel the threads are still very strong. Ironically, I do have the freedom to go out with friends, come home reasonably late, stay over at a friend’s and all that. But all this, knowing the limits that have been set for me.

Or take another instance. I decide to dedicate an entire holiday reading a book. I can bet on a fortune that I’d fail to do so. The very thought that I’m not alone and I need to spend time with the others in my house would stop me from doing so. Ok, you think I don’t make sense. All I’m trying to say is that there’s a thread that connects me with a whole lot of people. One that pulls me back every time I begin to wander alone. One that tells me, there are lives connected to you. There are people who’re part of you.

And it’s not just in family. I seem to be leading somebody else’s life all the time. At times I feel it’s better that ways. Coz if given a chance to live my own life, I’d make nothing of it. Today, if you find me reading a book, that’s not me. If you see me watching a movie that won at the Oscars for best editing, that’s not me. If you see me plan my day systematically, hell that’s not me! But I do all of these. However, it’s not what I’d do in “my” life!

Know what I’d do? Sleep. Eat. Chat. Roam around. Watch TV. Talk on phone. And definitely, dream! And that’s when I wonder. When my life’s in real so unproductive, isn’t it better I lead the one someone else asks me to? Of course not forced upon me. I draw inspirations. It feels good when I know I'm doing something constructive. When people whom I look up to make me part of their discussions. Like I’m one among them. Like I’m important. LOL.

And I do so, because I know that otherwise my life aint something you would like to follow. I do nothing that can inspire. That makes you look up to me. But I look up to so many. And I try to do what they do. Like I’m answerable to them.

Aint that good? Or do I just live my life the way I want to. Doing what I feel like? Who knows I may just end up doing something that surprises me myself. And I’d proudly say it’s what I wanted to do and what I love to do. And then I can stop being somebody else?

Still confused.

To forgive, or not to forgive!

Scorpions, they say are those who never forgive an enemy and never forget a kindness. Of the latter, I’m sure. But of the former, umm..! I really haven’t had many such experiences where I’ve had to hate somebody. Oh yea, for a moment or a day, I’ve had the urge to kill people. Am sure most of us have. But beyond that, it’s never gone to the extent of hatred.

Now if you mean just not forgetting a bad action, it could be true. Because, I still remember my sister eating the last chocolate I had saved for a week. My class teacher’s sarcastic remark on how well I did in the exam. And Chutki’s comment on my oily hair. If that’s called not forgiving, then am a witch. I remember very clearly each and every instance where I was hurt. By something. Or someone.

As I entered adolescence, the number of occasions where I was so hurt that I almost hated myself, started increasing. Right from the remark from my peers on how short I was. To the false assurance that a secret was just forgotten to share and not intentional. Eveything stayed right there in my mind. Not to treat those who said it with contempt. But only to think about it and feel bad later on.

Quite unusually, I would act very normal to the person who hurt me without giving them the slightest hint of how much they hurt me. It continues to be that way. I forgive. But never forget. At times I wonder why I forgive so soon. So easily. There were instances where I’ve wished to go back in time and screw someone’s happiness for hurting me. And that feeling entered me in the past few years, and is getting stronger with time.

Perhaps because I’ve been taken too much for granted of late. Because I never fight back. Or question back. I always take the blame on my head and forgive the one who’s actually at fault. I keep telling myself, that it is a result of plain misunderstanding. Moreover, I believe that words or actions that have caused pain cannot be taken back. And so what’s the point in talking about what’s happened.

The fear of losing a friend also prompts me from not taking the issue forward. Because I know, that bringing up the topic may lead from discussion to debate. And I, at such junctures, prefer keeping conversations short. So I keep my distance. Try not to talk too often. Because when I do, I can’t help but act normal and forget everything. And honestly, I don’t want to. I’m just forced to.

I really hope, one day I can turn back at all those who’ve hurt me and give them a piece of my mind. If there’s anyone who wants to join me in the mission, welcome! Until then, I’ll carry on being a partial Scorpion. Dreaming of a metamorphosis that’ll help me develop ito a full-fledged one. One, that stings!

Controlled Luck!

Fingers crossed.

How true is it, that if you really want to fulfill your personal desire, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen? Coz, if it’s so, then there’s something that I desire for, at the moment. Something that I’ve been strongly wishing for, for the past 3 years. Something that’s been my strongest desire in my life until now. And I want to know, if the whole world is conspiring at all.

This philosophy, which I came across in the Alchemist (one of the many books, which I havent managed to complete so far), has got me thinking. And at times, it makes me believe in it. The way my life’s moving and things are happening, I have no choice but to believe in it. I’ve tried all that I can, to give up on my wish. My desire. Knowing I’m asking for too much. Forcing myself to believe that it ain’t gonna work. But something or the other happens, and voila! Am back to square one. Just not able to let my dream go. Yearning for it to happen.

I have no choice but to believe, that the world does seem to be conspiring. Because, why else would I find myself in a dilemma, every time I let it go? And then on cloud 9, every time it’s back with me? Why does all this force me to believe that it means something. That probably it’s meant to be. And how I love to believe it does! Coz I strongly feel so!

There’s nothing about it that tells me to think twice. Or to move on. But almost everyting about it asks me to just hang on. Hold on for a while. Like everything’s soon gonna fall in place. Everything’s happening for the good. Something keeps telling me not to stop trying. The further I try moving away from my desire, the more I’m being pulled back to it. And that’s when I decide to give in. And to let the best happen. Coz I know, that what I wish for, is true. And hope, that when I wish from the bottom of your heart, the whole universe will conspire to help make it happen.

Fingers crossed.

Freedom of Expression!

The other day, I had one of my usual tiffs with amma. The reason, again, like always, wasn’t so serious. And on the same day, a very close friend of mine appreciated the maturity I showed towards handling a similar, but different situation. Where I could have lost my patience, over reacted and messed things up. But somehow I didn’t.

As I indulged in the sugar-coated words my friend showered on me, I didn’t really relish it as much as I would have normally. And I presumed, it was coz of the episode with amma. Somewhere, I wasn’t able to relate to the reasons that led to both the situations. On one hand, when I took no time to express my edginess by throwing tantrums, on the other I was as calm as a cloud. Or at least, I tried to be.

That’s it.

I tried to be calm. I made an effort to control my feelings. I forced a smile on my face. And so, succeeded in retiring unhurt. And I kinda felt good about it. But not even the thought of trying, passed my mind while with amma. So who am I after all? Or rather, which of these is the real me?

I’d definitely like to believe I was myself when with my friend. But like I said, it was all an attempt. To be nice. Well ya, it is good if you try to be good. It’s good for the society. It’s good for the country. But what’s the point if you can’t be the same when you’re with your own people?

I don’t mean I’m a rebel who tries to prove everything wrong when with my folks or picks up a fight with them for every small reason. But when you try balancing situations, I definitely ain’t as good as I am when out. Natural?

A forwarded email the other day talked about this. About how we need to think about it and blah! The mail was supposed to light up that dark corner of your mind, where these thoughts lay hidden. Yea, right! All it did was strengthen my doubts further. I mean, looks like everyone around the world’s thinking about it. And just continues doing so.

I tried a simple test. It was based on the kind of relationship I shared with the people involved in either situations. And what I found wasn’t really convincing. But satisfactory.

Probably, (the word’s used intentionally) it’s all about taking your own people for granted. In other words, I wouldn’t bother what amma thought about me if I reacted that way. That is, even if she did think badly, I didn’t mind. Coz she knows me better than anyone else, and so, if she thought I was short tempered, she also knew I would cool down soon. She knows I wouldn’t hurt her intentionally. And at the end of the day, she’s my best friend. And me, her lil angel. ;)

However, I’d probably think twice before reacting in the same manner when with strangers or not-so-close friends. Coz it’s not likely that they’d understand why I reacted that way. It might in turn, hurt their emotions. And end up in creating ill feelings between us. All said and done, I don’t think any of us would want someone to misunderstand us just like that right? And also there’s nothing wrong if you are nice to someone.

So again, does that mean that, with your close friends, you have the freedom to behave the way you wish? It’s nice that way, isn’t it? You really don’t have to think twice. Smiles come naturally. You’re sure you can’t hurt her just like that. You say, her specially designed saree looks awful on her, tell her how much she irritates you and she retorts back. Reminding you about some embarrassing moment or by commenting on your weird dress sense. Nothing makes you a bad person in her eyes or vice-versa.

If not, when you really don’t care about someone or wish not to be so nice with someone, you aren’t always your good self. You often just give them a piece of your mind. And you’re hardly even bothered whether it creates a misunderstanding or you hurt him/her. For all you know, that’s all you intend to do too. A very rare case I suppose.

Makes me think if the same applies when you’re in love with someone. Comes down to the question, is being in love with someone equal to taking him/her for granted? How easy is it to just push aside fights understanding that he/she is just being natural and accept them that way? Does it really help? Or does it just become a forced commitment? Now that’s something I still can’t understand completely.

I guess a lot of factors contribute to each of these cases. It’s not easy to define reasons and their consequences in any of the above situations. The bond or relationship you share is just one of them. Perhaps, the most easily identifiable.

A Love Story

This is the story of a boy and a girl. May sound like just another love story to you. Which it definitely is. Because like in any other love story, the boy and the girl loved each other deeply. Like every other couple, they fought deciding who loved whom more. But unlike many other destinies, theirs took them far away from each other. And yet, their love grew with every passing day. They yearned to be in each others arms. And longed for the warmth of their love.

This is a real story. This is my story. On second thoughts, how can reality be a story? And why would I want to call this a story? This is my reality. Because, this is one of the very few real things that happened in my life. Everything about it was real. The feeling of my heart skipping a beat when I first met him was real. The feeling when I smiled seeing his number flash on my cell was real. The feeling, when I realized I was in love with him, was real. The feeling when we kissed for the first time was real. My love for him was real. He was real. Then what went wrong? I still don’t know. Nobody knows.

It was decided. That he’s the guy I wanted in my life. Probably it was the passion in his voice when he spoke to me. Or perhaps the love in his eyes when he looked at me. I couldn’t stop myself from loving him all the more, every time I spoke to him. There was nothing different in him. And yet there was something special about him. He never went on his knees to propose to me. He never ever took me out on a dinner date. Never sent me those cards with all mushy stuff written all over. He never got the boy to deliver roses at my place. He did nothing that a love struck Romeo would do. But everything about him made me go crazy. I was truly, deeply and madly in love with this guy. I still am.

Amongst all the stuff he never did for me, he had some really nice ways of making me feel special. Like kissing me goodbye and apologizing a hundred times for a busy day at work, and then leaving half day complaining to his boss about a bad headache, to spend the rest of the day with me. Calling me at 12 am, on my bday and reciting a poem he wrote for me. Writing one liner mails saying he loved me like mad. And pulling me against him and saying I was his dream come true, at a “tell me your dreams” game at the Spencer’s Mall.

For me, it was life on cloud 9. I was never in love with anyone so much before. Those who know me also know of the innumerable crushes I’ve had. But with him, I knew it wasn’t just one of those. There was a certain gentleness about him that drew me closer to him. It was as if he spoke romantically, even when he told me how upset he was when I didn’t answer his call the whole day. Even in the worst of his moods, I felt like hugging him tight and leaving myself to his control.

Fights never happened. Arguments died before they were started. All of which was possible thanks to his calm, patient and mature self. Which also taught me a lot. Although unintentionally, he had shown me how to take a relationship further. I’m sure if he’s reading this, he’ll disagree. But if not for him, I would have never known what a relationship meant and how to be happy in it. Thanks for that.

And then it all happened. One after the other. We saw all our dreams disappear. He was sent to the US for a project. I cried the whole night. I was sure however, that come what may; it’s him I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. And decided, be it a year or more, I’ll wait. And like we had known, nothing changed.

We spoke every day. There was hardly a day when he went to bed without wishing me good night. The only thing that changed was the timing. The only difference that came between us. I’d be at work, while he was preparing to hit the bed. I recollect the days when I’d say I’m busy at work, so we can’t talk. He’d wait for a couple of hours, assume that I’d be free and call me again. All this when it’s nearing sunrise in his part of the world. He’d keep himself awake only so that he could talk to me before sleeping. No matter how hard a day he had. And when time permitted, we would talk for hours together. Through the night at times.

Our love flourished. I thanked my stars for getting him. I knew that he was the best thing that happened to me. I knew that I could love no one like I loved him. I was the happiest human being in the world. I loved being in love with him. It was all so pure. Everything seemed so perfect. Nothing could ever go wrong. I knew I couldn’t be happier without him. And I knew he felt the same way.

I waited for him to come back. There were places I wanted to go with him. Where it was just the two of us. I dreamt of a life together with him. I knew he’ll make me his when he’s here.

He’s here today. But seems to have left everything else behind. He says, things are different. I tried hard to see what, but saw nothing. If there was something, why am I unable to see it? He has no answer to give me. I hate to believe it’s over. Everything seems to have come to a standstill. I don’t know where to go from here. What to do next.
I still love him. And I’m sure he loves me too. And I wonder why he’s doing this. It’s not the end for me. I can’t let it end this way. I can’t stop loving him just like that.

I don’t know where my life’s headed towards. I have absolutely no clue what’s in store for me. But there’s definitely one thing I’m sure about. He’s the love of my life. And will always be so. Nothing’s going to change. I’ve always loved him. And will always do.