Getting worked up

So, like always, here I am sitting and brooding. Well, probably there is a reason after all. Or perhaps not. But who cares? As long as I am, I am. Whether there’s reason or not. Ok, so moving ahead, all that matters now is, finding a way out of this state of mine. Only to come back very soon of course.

These are one of those times, when I feel I’m lost and don’t know where to go. Happens mostly when I don’t know whether what I’m doing is right or wrong. Exactly the way I feel at the moment. I’m totally confused as to what to do. What to think. And what to say.

I don’t say there’s no mistake of mine in what happened today. But I also wouldn’t want to think, that I have a major role to play in whatever happened. That’s where I loose track. All I have to say is, I too wish to become something in life. Now I don’t know if there’s a particular way to do it. But I don’t think I’m doing absolutely nothing about it either.

Ok, now before the confused me starts speaking more, let me think clear. I wish I could get a name for myself in this world. And I feel, I can. And I think that, I’m doing what I can. Probably different from how many others would, but at least I am.

But no matter what I do, all I end up feeling is that I’m at the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Probably it was by mistake that I ended up doing what I am. So, that means that no matter how hard I try, I can’t. Because I’m not supposed to.

And when someone asked me why I felt that way, All I could say was I see no reason why I should continue doing what I am. Probably I just feel, I’m doing all that I can. Perhaps I’m not, and it’s just complacence that’s speaking. But I would definitely not like to believe so.

Often the fear that I can’t do well, stops me from doing well. The feeling that I don’t know where I am going lets me be happy with whatever little I do. And I end up telling myself, that’ll do. Which I don’t do very often. When I do a work, I ( quite surprisingly ) don’t like to be let to myself. Would rather prefer, someone showing some interest in what I plan to do. And when I don’t see that happening, I lose all interest. Right or wrong? I don’t know.

I want to be given work, not because there’s no one else to do it. Not because, I’ll be learning. But because Im considered capable of doing it. I don’t think Im asking for too much. Yeah perhaps a little early. Perhaps I really need to learn. Perhaps I really can’t complain. But I can’t stop being concerned either.

I know it’ll take time. But I also wonder whether it ever will. I wonder when I will know whether it will. I still wonder.